Tuesday, January 31, 2017

The Trump Administration and LOTR

Hey, did you hear that we have a new administration in the White House? From what we've seen already, it seems like Trump and his ilk may be a manifestation of pure evil. Pointless Venture would like to draw parallels between members of the Trump administration and the forces of darkness, so that nerds will know just exactly how evil each respective member is. You're welcome.

Steve Bannon = Grima Wormtongue

Steve Bannon is the slimy weasel whispering malevolence in Trump's ear. A career neo-nazi (excuse me, I mean member of the alt-right) and round the clock alcoholic, Bannon will likely have Donald's ear until his plunging popularity forces a lesser role, like Bootlicker in Chief or Food Taster of the Supreme Leader. Or maybe he'll just take over and stop being the power behind the scenes, I dunno. Perhaps we'll all get lucky, and he'll die of liver cancer or whatever sickness was eating Emperor Palpatine's face, because this dude probably has it.

Kellyann Conway = Shelob

Kellyann is the frazzled old bimbo that Trump sends out to devour the truth just like a giant spider. It is rumored that just like Shelob, she once inhabited a mountain pass and feasted on many a wayward traveler. Definitely has a weakness for hobbit flesh, as well as getting called out as a fucking liar.

Sean Spicer = Mouth of Sauron

Like Kellyann, Sean becomes rather indignant whenever anyone gives him a legitimate question. He is not poisonous, however, as far as we know. Thrown to the media to serve as the Supreme Leader's mouthpiece, he will almost certainly die of a stress-induced heart attack after getting really pissed off about having to answer for the Donald's indiscretions for the one-millionth time. He also apparently eats a lot of gum, so maybe that's why he's so angry. Either that, or he's just fucking retarded (this is Trump's America; I don't have to be PC).

Paul Ryan = Saruman

Professional shitweasel Paul Ryan thinks he has Trump under his thumb, just like Saruman thought he had Sauron fooled. As long as Paul gets to pass his budget, all is well in the Republic. Every night Paul Ryan falls asleep to lengthy passages from Atlas Shrugged followed by carefully selected excerpts from the Bible, namely the passages that don't mention having sympathy for the poor or having to give up one's wealth in order to enter the kingdom of heaven (Paul's version is heavy abridged). Unfortunately for Paul, and fortunately for everyone else, he's probably going to get stabbed by one of Bannon's Nazi goons the minute he offers up any resistance to the Donald. P.S. Paul, lift some fucking weights, you pussy. Your legs look like bamboo stalks, and judging by your arms, I have to doubt the veracity of that 25 lbs notation on your dumbbell. Somebody give this man some HGH and a squat rack so he can kill himself trying to squat two plates.

No comments:

Post a Comment