Thursday, January 19, 2017

John Kruck's Second Guide to Becoming an Eating Champion: Advanced Training


Well folks, they paid me a king's ransom in hot dogs to come back to this blog and give everybody advanced tips on becoming a really good eater. Stuffing food down your gullet is like any sport: it requires patience, dedication, laxatives, and a whole lot of performance-enhancing drugs. Far as I know, they don't test for PEDs when entering eating competitions, so you need to get a leg up on the competition and get jacked. Haha, just kidding--forget Kobayashi and his painted-on abs, you need to get fat as fuck as soon as possible. A life-long commitment to being a walking barrel on two legs is what really separates the dilettantes from the hardcore. The only drugs you need are cream cheese, a case of butter, and as many pudding pies as you can fit in your refrigerator. Let's go over an advanced routine for the elite eater.

Breakfast is how you start your day. I like to wake up to the smell of bacon cooking, so I have my live-in maid Esmeralda cook bacon from 6:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m., unless I happen to wake up before that, which is about as likely as Donald Trump seeing himself in the mirror and not a half-Reptilian, half-human hybrid. My house is full of bacon smoke and I can hardly breath, yet it is the greatest thing I have ever experienced. Bacon is the perfect advanced eater food because it is chock-full of fat and grease, both of which reside at the bottom of our new food pyramid. But bacon is the just the start. Behold:


The above pile of food should only take an advanced eater about five minutes to polish off. I like to take a nap after a good meal, but it should be a cat nap, so only about two to three hours at the most. Then it is time for lunch.

I consider myself something of a forager; that is, I eat whatever is around me. If I'm at the ballpark, I eat hot dogs or urinal cakes; if I'm in Mexico, I eat drugs and small dogs. This dietary flexibility is crucial for the advanced man (or she-beast). Regardless of where I am, sausage is one of the pillars of my lunchtime feasting. The best type of sausage is whatever type of sausage I can get my mitts on. Feast your eyes on this pile I polished off today:

Looks like a stack of dinguses. Don't let that be a turn-off.

Money is certainly an issue when it comes to advanced eating. Thankfully for me, I'm a rich former baseball player, so I can spend 80 percent of my budget on food and eatable inanimate objects. If you are not so blessed, I you may have to consider a life of crime. Unfortunately, the rotund physique that comes with eating one-hundred pounds of sausage a day does not lend itself to a life of petty crime. God invented credit cards for a reason, folks.

Dinner is the meal that you cap everything off with. It's the finale, the Revenge of the Sith, if you will, and like the prequel trilogy, don't expect it to digest well. One of my favorite strategies is to stuff a bunch of junk into a cup and time myself as I dig in. You should be looking for creative ways to increase your food intake. Keeping things fresh is how you become champion, at least in your own mind.


I don't really have any other tips. I feel like this guide went a little long, but what can I do besides list all the garbage I put away every day? Becoming a gluttonous monster is a life choice, and only you can figure out the right path to that goal. Go with God. Kruck out.

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