Friday, March 29, 2019

The Consummate Politician Wants You to Apologize


Ah, folks, it's not that time again. It's your turn to apologize, not mine. Apologizes are overrated nowadays. The way partisanship works, no one ever has to apologize besides Democrats. The GOP can do no wrong. The man at the top can do no wrong. The President is the most blameless individual ever to walk on this earth since Jesus Christ. Instead of accepting the wisdom of the Electoral College, the Democrats have wasted two years and countless millions of dollars investigating a man who has never done a wrong thing in his life. Haha, gimme a minute, it's hard for me to say that with a straight face. Got to keep practicing, you know. The media will never really challenge me on statements like that. Got to hear both sides, remember? It doesn't matter how dumb one side is. Fair and balanced is the biggest coup we ever engineered.

So yeah, people, where's the apology? Media, I'm looking at you. You haven't been entirely team players. Sure, you get distracted by Twitter or racist remarks while we're appointing federal judges without any Democratic input, but who gives a shit about that? Lemme tell you a secret: ol' Mitch is trying to stack the deck against ya'll. Kind of hard to pass major pieces of liberal legislation when there's a conservative firewall in the federal court system, eh? Don't matter if our base is smaller than yours. We're not playing by the same rules.

Take all those Democrats running for President. You think any of them can afford to slip up? Hell no. They're gonna be compared to the President, and their base will hold them accountable. They still need to apologize. Lemme tell ya a good story. Yesterday I used a racial slur at a McDonalds after involuntarily launching into a ten minute diatribe on poor people and how they smell. Somebody caught the whole thing on video and posted it on the internet. A couple years ago, my political career might have been over. Instead, what we do is we seed doubt over everything. You couldn't see everything in the video, I said. I was being harassed by a poor person and a person of color, therefore I was blameless in revealing my prejudices. The video was doctored anyway. Eventually, I had the goddamn media actually apologizing to me! Can you believe it? This is a new era we are living in, an era free of sin. You can't pin anything on anyone anymore. Go ahead, investigate. Go ahead, reporters, dig and dig. We have the wisdom of Obi-wan Kenobi. The truth depends on a certain point of view.

So apologize, folks. We're waiting.

Friday, March 22, 2019

What I Mean When I Talk about Dragon Energy


I'm here to talk to you all about Dragon Energy.

Dragon Energy is the essence that holds the universe together. Dragon Energy is found in a can as well as a bag of cocaine. When I talk about Dragon Energy, I'm referring to the ability to speak for several hours without making a damn bit of sense.

We are surrounded by Dragon Energy all the time, but only some of us can tap into this power. In that way, some of us are Jedi. My Dragon Energy gives me the ability to see through walls and around corners. Dragon Energy lets me pretend that Kim still looks like a real flesh and blood human being. Dragon Energy allows me to translate the Rosetta Stone and see lizard people on the moon with my eyes.

If you listen to the Joe Rogan podcast, you may have Dragon Energy. If you've ever had a compulsion and been unable to stop it, Dragon Energy is in your veins. If most of the things that come out of your mouth sound stupid, then the haters that are listening to you don't have the Dragon Energy.

Most of the problems of the world stem from folks not being able to tap into Dragon Energy. I aim to remedy this, and bringing Dragon Energy to the world is my life's work. Listening to all of my albums will get you halfway there. You have to bring the other half. Some of the burden is on you, my friend.

Some days I can't find my way out of the basement, and that's when I know my Dragon Energy is low. I hear this happens to my brother in Dragon Energy, President Donald Trump, as well. Basement construction is intense and labyrinthine. A normal human male was not meant to find his way out of a basement by himself.

Thank God I am not a normal human male. I am the soul of Dragon Energy incarnate. There should be someone bottling my urine while I take a piss so that my Dragon Energy doesn't go to waste.

If I sound crazy, then that's on you. You need to raise your Dragon Energy up to my level. When that happens, most things will start to make sense.

Monday, March 18, 2019

Treat Yourself, Fool


It's time to treat yourself, fool. That bad decision that you're considering? You deserve to make a bad decision every once in awhile. So what if you try to pay the mortgage with a credit card? You needed a treat. Only consumption can make you feel better.

Treat yourself to a five-thousand dollar gaming computer. Treat yourself to a thirty-thousand dollar car. Treat yourself to an entire box of chocolate donuts. Inhibitions are for people who never treat themselves. Online shopping is the only time you feel truly human. Nothing but outrageous purchases can get your dopamine receptors humming.

Recovering alcoholic? Treat yourself to a couple bottles of gin. Overweight and dieting? You can hear the call of ten candy bars. Treat yourself is just another term for binging. Throw your brain out the window and treat yourself. Just do it, you fool.

Think of what might happen if you never treat yourself. You might have money to spend. You might be able to pay your bills. Your happiness may not be tied to our consumer economy. Nobody wants that. The engine of modern society burns on the oil of mindless consumption. If you aren't consuming, you are not providing fuel for America. It's your patriotic duty to treat yourself and never mind the consequences.

You think I've never treated myself? Well... shit. The last time I truly treated myself was when I was twelve years old, and I spent one-hundred dollars of my yard mowing money on a Star Wars toy set I knew I wasn't going to play with. I had buyer's remorse almost immediately. That experience messed me up inside. I never learned how to enjoy buying things.

Maybe I will treat myself. Maybe I will buy a bunch of video games I don't have time to play. Maybe I'll add another car payment. Maybe I'll...someone help me. Seems I don't know how to treat myself.

Someone help me treat myself. I want to be the fool. I have cash I'm willing to burn. Just tell me what to spend it on to make myself feel better.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Writer's Block: Even More Bad Poetry



Dinosaur

His name is Buddy

An anachronistic depiction

Of a monstrous predator

That lived 65 millions years ago.

My son has chewed off his tail

And filed his fangs with his teeth.

Thus maimed must the king of dinosaurs

Remain.

Upright. Broken.

Immortalized in plastic.

Perhaps they will put our bones together

And mount us in museums.

How will we look to alien eyes?

I lack the imagination

To offer any further speculation.

 ...

The Dog

Shut your goddamn mouth,

You old goat.

Somehow you still live

Despite all the plastic gloves you've eaten.

I promise I won't stuff you 

And sit you on the mantle

Like a piece of game.

When you die, I'll bury you

In the orchard 

Where you can finally get at the moles

Tunneling underground.

...

The River

Floating couches

go by on your swift currents.

I imagine fish struggle to breath

In your muddied depths.

When you give our refuse back to us,

We throw it right back.

We can do nothing but take from you.

I'm sorry.

Think of us as an aberration.

A momentary blight on the surface

of the earth.  

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Hanging with the Goon


Ucle Thom and his drank.

Boy folks, its been a relly long time since teh ol' Goon wrote on Teh Pointless Venture website, portal to teh unknown and key to eldrich knowledge. Since I last spoke wit you'alls, I's been married twice, been divorced three times, got put in jail, an' lost me job to a brachiasaurus named Dan. Hah! See if you can spot teh truth from teh tall fables. Its all good in teh Goon's world. I still work at teh orchard, an' old Sam's still kickin', though he's about 95 an I don't think he'll last much longer. last week I had food poisonin' somethin' awful. You don't know how much you value yur regular bowl movement until you've had about ten of them in a row. You see, this is teh slow season at teh orchard, and all teher is for me to do is clean teh rat poop off teh apples in storage. I must've gotten too much poop on me hands, cuz when I went home and fixed up some roadkill stew, I got an awful case of teh poops. Slack's system handled teh roadkill a bit better than I's because he's all rotten inside and he's basically a homeless person at tehis point in his awful life. They hired him down at teh local grocery store an he stacks soda pop cans all day, and in teh evening he hides in teh back and smokes meth like god intended. Anyways, after I got poisoned, brown mud was comin' out my backside like a mudflow during a rain storm, despite my many attempts to plug up wit paper and wads of grass. Being plugged up is about teh worst feelin' in teh world. I don't know how so many peoples do it.

I wasn't lying bout being married at least once. I met a catfish on teh internet, and she turned out to be a real person, albeit one wit hair on her face. Now don't think teh Goon to be too picky--he takes it as it is given-- but teh hair commin outta her ears was teh bigger ditrement to my attraction, but I overcame it wit a lot of alcohol and some positive thinkign. Her name was Deliliah. Liek teh flower. After our initial date at McDonalds, we went back to teh trailer and played a little bit of a viedo game Slack just stole called Anthem. In this video game, you shoot a bunch of mooks and pick up loot taht falls out of their bums. It hit a little close to home, is waht I'm sayin. After teh game, which blew up my tv, we made out for about thirty minuetes. We decided to get married soon afters. Its a beautiful feelin, bein in love. I hope it never hapens to me again.

Anyways, my beautful existence soon came to an abrupt and udder end. Me and Delieah was struttin on teh promenande when we was approached by an officer of teh law. My first instinct in such a situation is usualy to hall ass liek a grizzly bear was after my insides, but Deliealih beat me to teh punch. She ran into teh street and was ran over by a bus taht instint. I learned latter from teh cop taht she was wanted on three acounts of midget trafficing and on instanct of human cannibalisation. Alas it was not to be. When it rains on teh Goon, it pours. Lemme tell you about it sometime.

New Music: Firefly

  A twelve-year old song that I wrote in Cincinnati. I don't believe it was ever played live, which is a shame, since it's a nice li...