Thursday, January 12, 2017

Opinions for Free


Opinions for free! That's what you want, isn't it? Wouldn't you like to hear my opinion about the newest Star Wars movie? What about the President-Elect of the United States? Wouldn't you know that I have opinions on hot pants, Elvis Costello, Big Bird, stinky feet, and Elf on a Shelf? That's all I am, really. I am the sum of all my opinions.

Let's dissect the differences between the comic book Avengers' costumes and those of their movie counterparts'. Let's get into a scientific debate about convergent evolution. You say the dinosaurs roamed the earth during the time of man? Well, you're a dumb ass and let me tell you why! Let's talk about the best baseball player of time. Are steroids bad? You tell me! Then I'll tell you and we can argue about it.

Did you know that you're shitting wrong? You should aim your ass up in the air and pray that it doesn't come back down. Believe you me. I read it on the internet. I'm something of an expert in shit physics, I'll have you know. I'm the goddamn Isaac Newton of intestinal discharge and its thermodynamic properties. You want to spend two hours debating the minutia of dietary variation and how it can affect the arc of your poo poo? Come at me, bro. I got the time.

You have a stupid theory? I know the place. The earth's flat, didn't you know? Global warming isn't real. Donald Trump is a human being. Wait, wait, I take it back. Not the last thing I said, but the aforementioned sentence "I am the sum of all my opinions." What I really am is a nonsensical soup of emotion. You prick my finger and I cry. You tell me that I'm full of shit, well buddy, that's just like, your opinion, man. I don't believe anything, to be honest. My caldron of emotion is just waiting to bubble forth. I can't hear what you say, because you've said that I am wrong, and that's just the same as punching me in the face. You know what the greatest human fallacy is? Believing we are anything but the Id. It's the grand human conspiracy. Everyone's part of it.

That's my opinion, anyway. I don't give a shit about yours.


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