Friday, April 29, 2016

I Dream of Shaquille


I had a dream, and Shaq was in it. He could hold six beer bottles in each of his massive hands. He just showed up while we were playing basketball, materializing out of the ether. I asked him if he ever tried to hold as many things as possible in those hands.

"Yeah, cocaine," he said, which kind of made sense. He then showed us his genital herpes, and let me tell you, some things you can never unsee. They were on his thighs, not his genitals, and they were bright red and encrusted with scabby tissue.

"I keep having them lasered off but they come back," he complained. We informed Shaq that he needs to get a prescription for Valtrex.

He had written a book of poems about basketball shoes that I will never get to read because I don't live in a reality where Shaquille O'Neal writes poetry, sadly.

In this same dream, we encountered a Neo-Nazi band playing Avenged Sevenfold covers in the jungle. We got to that jungle in an airplane where one of my friends had just underwent successful male to female reassignment surgery. I had trouble finding a place for my dolly on the airplane. I don't know why I had a dolly but I remember that once we got to the jungle we watched WWE wrestlers Sasha Banks and Natalya make-out while sliding down a water slide and holding a baby.


There was another part of the dream where I helped an Asian immigrant buy fish at a market. I knew what kind of fish she was looking for, but now I've forgotten. There was also an incident in a hillbilly shack, where I was asked to crawl into a septic tank.

These are the dreams you dream when you get two hours of sleep a night.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

The Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Guide to UFOs (and Aliens)

Dude, she's totally an alien, which makes Bill so much cooler because he's banging an alien broad.

Dudes and dudettes, it's been way too long since I laid down the knowledge in regards to paranormal activity and shit. Since the aliens are running for president this year (two of the candidates hail from the Alpha Draconis system; betcha didn't know that!) I thought I'd do a guide to spotting UFOs and their extraterrestrial denizens. Hold on to your butts; you're gonna learn shit you might not want to. If it's too much to knowledge to handle, then stop right now. Gordy P. Weaver and the Hillsdale Paranormal Society will not be held responsible for any heads blown right the fuck off.

First, the best time to go UFO hunting is at night around three o'clock or so in an isolated area. I'm talking a place where it's thirty minutes bare minimum to civilization. You also have to be totally plastered; I guess aliens know when you're shit-faced, because I've seen more UFOs while intoxicated than I ever have sober. It also helps if you have a friend who's a little weird, because aliens always take the weird ones. Trent has been beamed up more times than I can count, and he sucks his thumbs and still wets the bed on occasion, but just remember, causation doesn't equal correlation and shit. Sometimes a bro is weird because he's been beamed up too many times. He didn't start out that way.

It also helps to watch an alien movie before looking for UFOs. Don't ask me why; it's like the drinking thing, don't question it, just accept the knowledge and move on. I usually chose Spaceballs because Pizza the Hut is an actual alien, not some rubber piece of poo. Other good choices are City Slickers (Billy Crystal is a sentient collection of methane from Pluto) and Top Gun (Val and Tom are Siamese Twins native to our asteroid belt). Or just watch PBS; everything on PBS is alien bullshit.

If you see a UFO, definitely try to get a pic, but make sure to make it as blurry and indecipherable as possible, because if you get an actual decent photo, the MIB will come and throw your ass in Guantanamo Bay. That's why we don't have any conclusive evidence of UFOs, even though freaking aliens are running the country. Don't believe me? Let me lay some Icke (as in David) on you.

Bernie Sanders--A member of a peace-loving race of mole-people located roughly 300 light years away.

Paul Ryan--A reformed murderbot built before the Butlerian Jihad. Ask him for a box of Cracker Jacks;  he'll go nuts.

Scott Walker--The abiogenesis of alien excrement, Governor Walker doesn't like to be reminded that he is literally a piece of shit.

There are others, but it would take all day to out them, and then I'd get in even more trouble. You gotta keep this shit on the down low, peeps.

Governor Walker in his true form.

Something else to keep in mind when you're looking for aliens is to wear a butt plug at all times. Now, I've never been abducted, but according to Trent, when they take you, they insert all manner of objects into your anus. If you value your butt like I do, keep it protected.

Last thing, you might want to bring a weapon. Since only members of Starfleet are allowed to carry phasers, you'll have to improvise. Alien shields are vulnerable to melee weapons, so a big stick will suffice, believe it or not (believe it). I have one that I call BAaB--Big Ass Alien Basher. That's what I use for establishing first contact, if you know what I mean (hah).

That's all the tips I have for now. Remember, jabronis, wear your butt plugs and watch your six. Also, don't watch TV because that's how they spy on you and get your Netflicks password.

Friday, April 22, 2016

RIP Prince


Prince died yesterday. A unique talent, Prince was a genius songwriter and producer who could shred like Van Halen. If any single person defined what it meant to be a rock star, it was the Purple One. Better tributes will be written, so I would just like to share my favorite Prince songs.

1. Purple Rain--The power ballad to end all power ballads.

2. When Doves Cry--Weird, sexy funk with a guitar opening that put Eddie to shame.

3. Darling Nikki--The song that blew Tipper Gore's mind and caused the whole Parental Advisory sticker craze that prevented me from buying unedited cool music as a child.

4. Kiss--A masterclass in muted restraint, this song is just cool as hell.

5. When You Were Mine--An example that Prince wrote great pop/rock songs as well as funk/electro/R&B music.

6. If I Was Your Girlfriend--A gender-bending ballad that best represents Prince's edgy sexuality.

7. Little Red Corvette--Prince could make any song his own.

8. Best of You--A Foo Fighter's tune that Prince covered during his Super Bowl Halftime Show, I prefer this version to the original.


Thursday, April 21, 2016

Was Ayn Rand a Secret Ferengi?


Was author Ayn Rand a secret member of the Ferengi race? And if so, how does this change the critical reception of her oeuvre? Would conservative thinkers still cite Rand as an influence if they knew she was a member of an aggressive alien race? Let's compare Ayn Rand quotes with the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:

Ayn Rand: "So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?"

Rules of Acquisition: "Once you have their money, you never give it back."
...
Ayn Rand: "Money is the barometer of a society's virtue."

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/ayn_rand.html
So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/ayn_rand.html
So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/ayn_rand.html
So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/ayn_rand.html
So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/ayn_rand.html
So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/ayn_rand.html
Rules of Acquisition: "A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all."
 ...
Ayn Rand: "To say "I love you" one must first be able to say the "I."

Rules of Acquisition: "Never place friendship above profit."
 ...
Ayn Rand: "Run for your life from any man who tells you that money is evil. That sentence is the leper's bell of an approaching looter."

Rules of Acquisition: "Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack"
...
Ayn Rand: "Just as man can't exist without his body, so no rights can exist without the right to translate one's rights into reality, to think, to work and keep the results, which means: the right of property."

Rules of Acquisition: " A man is only worth the sum of his possessions"
...
Ayn Rand: "If you ask me to name the proudest distinction of Americans, I would choose... the fact that they were the people who created the phrase "to make money." No other language or nation had ever used these words before... Americans were the first to understand that wealth has to be created."

Rules of Acquisition: "Nothing is more important than your health... except for your money"
...
Ayn Rand: "Evil requires the sanction of the victim."

Rules of Acquisition: "Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don't hesitate to step on them."
...
Ayn Rand: "It is morally obscene to regard wealth as an anonymous, tribal product and to talk about 'redistributing' it."

Rules of Acquisition: "Treat people in your debt like family... exploit them."

 Conclusion: Definitely a Ferengi.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

How Many Muffins Is Too Many Muffins?


There is a question that has been bothering me for weeks. I can't stop thinking about it, yet I can arrive at no satisfactory answer. How many muffins is too many muffins?

One muffin should be enough in most circumstances, correct? I mean, muffins are delicious, but they are full of calories and sugar. Such things are best consumed in moderation, I reason. Yet I cannot help myself. I had a second muffin today, just like I did the day before. Now I find myself thinking about eating a third muffin, and perhaps a fourth.

What comes after that fourth muffin?A fifth muffin, perhaps? A sixth? When comes the last muffin? I am left wondering what the limit is, and whether I will ever reach it. The only way to know is to try to eat as many muffins as possible.

I must ask for someone to pay for all of these muffins I need to eat, and so I am in the process of setting up a Kickstarter to fund my grand experiment. One-hundred muffins should be a good starting place. A variety of flavors would be best, if anybody wants to just skip the Kickstarter and buy me the muffins directly. I like chocolate, blueberry, raspberry, vanilla, etc,. I am not picky when it comes to muffins. Please email me for an appropriate drop-off point. It would be best if the muffins were kept in a cool, dry container. I may need help loading the muffins into my car, so if you could stick around and aid in the loading, that would be great.

Also, I am planning on filming the whole process, so if someone with directorial experience could swing by with a decent camera, I would appreciate it. YouTube needs to know how many muffins is too many muffins. I foresee millions of page views and a sponsorship from a muffin company. By the way, does anybody know a muffin company? I would like to establish a relationship with one of the major players.

One last thing: how many muffins is too many muffins for a baby to eat? Facts to consider: baby is 11 days old and has no teeth. Thank you to everyone who wants to make my dream a reality. 

Monday, April 4, 2016

Shut Up, Marks


I really had you all going, didn't I? Ol' Vinnie Mac had everyone looking past all the injuries, the bad booking, the underwhelming storylines of RAW. It was Wrestlemania season, and that's when the company pulls out all the stops to get you, Mr. (or Miss) mark to commit to another year of poor-writing, character burials, and John Cena. You thought this year would be different, or at least, entertaining. Hell, Wrestlemania 31 was entertaining, wasn't it? And it's not like you didn't have plenty of people to root for. AJ Styles (not a homegrown product, must bury). Dean Ambrose (too small, not enough man-muscle). Sasha Banks (Black, albeit hot). Sami Zayn (you think I'd push a hipster-Canadian? You lazy millennial). Not one of them went over, did they? That's what you get for rejecting my boy, Roman.

You marks think you know better than Vincent K. McMahon. I built this goddamn company, you fools. Well, sure, I bought it off my dad, but I made it into the powerhouse it is today. Remember the Monday Nite Wars? Of course you don't, you probably weren't even born. Fifty years from now, when I am finally gone, ninety-six year-old Triple H will still be reminding the audience of how we defeated WCW. They can never forget, hah, just like I never forget. You think Rusev's buried for nothing? He was a star last year, look at him this year. All because his dumb girlfriend leaked engagement pictures to the media. That's how petty I am, and you assholes better believe it. You're not allowed to have favorites anymore. I decided how you think.

You think the past ten years with Cena were bad, wait until you get a load of how I'm going to book Roman. He's the champ, and there's already nobody for him to feud with because they've all been fed to him and one another. I'm going to bring up an NXT favorite every month and Roman is going to proceed to beat the shit out of him until he is at the very bottom of the card in between Tyler Breeze and El Torito. These kids have to pay their dues, you understand. They aren't working hard enough for me to push them.

How do you not see what I see?

Threaten all you want about canceling the WWE Network. Just keep in mind that you can't watch NXT without it. Wrestling fans always threaten to never watch again but they always come back. Hell, Cena has been winning nonstop for years and they still watch. We still make money. The fans that I want are in the seats. The others bitch on the internet.

The Rock can always come back for an appearance, mind you. Same with Stone Cold or HBK. I guarantee you Hulk has one more good run in him as soon as the public forgets about his remarks. With every appearance they remind you how good wrestling once was. They remind you of the time when this company built new stars, when there could be more than one top guy. Every year I trot them out so that you, Mr. mark, get your hopes up once more. Because that's what this business is about, you know. Hope.

Keep hoping, marks. It only puts dollars in my pocket.

Booty-O's! They make sure Vince gets money.


Friday, April 1, 2016

Weightlifting: Cross-training

DC had a trainer create Batman's training schedule, if you need proof that Batman is superhuman.

You can be good at a lot of things, but you can't be great at everything. In fitness, that means that you can't be maximally strong, muscular, and powerful while having elite endurance. The same body that can deadlift 600 lbs for multiple reps can't run a four-minute mile. This is why everyone makes fun of Crossfitters, because they act like they can have it all. You can't have it all, folks. You can eat your cake, but it's going to make you fat.

Still, if you've been training for strength and muscularity for several years like I have, you may have let things slide in other areas. My cardiovascular endurance probably isn't great, for example. My ability to express strength quickly, i.e., power, probably isn't where it should be for someone who can squat over 400 lbs and deadlift 480. So I decided to come up with a little routine that still focuses primarily on strength and hypertrophy while also making one more powerful and building endurance. This would be a good offseason sports routine.  The weights I have listed are based on my current numbers. Let's give it a look.

Monday: Strength and hypertrophy

Back squats 135*5, 225*5, 275*5, 315*3, 365, 385, 225*10.
The above is a pyramid progression based on a 415 one rep max. You accumulate volume until you hit a heavy single around 85 percent. If you're still feeling good, you add weight and go for another single. A backoff set of ten at around 55 percent ends your squats. Though I've used percentages in my explanation, I don't really use them when I workout. I suggest doing your sets of five with gradually increasing weights that don't feel very heavy. You can over-think this shit, is what I'm saying. The above workout has 30 reps of squats. That's good volume, plus you are lifting over 90 percent of your max for a single. Next week, try to get closer to your max. Try for 395 instead of 385, and so on and so forth. Eventually you should surpass your max, and at that point you can decided whether or not you need a deload.

Dips six sets of 10. Perform dips in between your squat sets. This maximizes workout density while giving you something to do while you wait for your lower body to recover. Dips are just the best. They work your pectorals, front deltoids, and triceps as well as the muscles of your back and abdominals, which act as stabilizers, and they don't pin your scapulae and mess up your shoulders like the bench press. You can increase reps or add weight, but I consider this to be a light upper body day.

Tuesday: Power and conditioning

Cleans: 135*5, 155*3, 165*3, 175*3, 185*3, 195*3. Don't let your form break down on cleans, so keep the weights conservative. Pull the weight just enough to so that you can get under it; most people over-pull, and that's why you see so many ugly cleans. Cleans are a great power exercise, and you should try to put up 1.5 times your body weight eventually.

One-arm dumbbell clean: 100 lbs for 3 sets of 3. Unilateral work is important to prevent muscular imbalances. DB cleans are challenging and fun. Just don't mess up your shoulders with these by losing the weight.

One-arm dumbbell snatch: 60 lbs for 2 sets of 5. Another exercise that builds power and that should be performed with very little rest in between repetitions and sets.

Wednesday: Light conditioning

Go for a light run or do hill sprints. For the run, just do a couple miles at a slower pace. For the sprints, bust your ass but don't run much more than fifteen or twenty minutes. This is a recovery workout, since you're giving your body a break from heavy lifting.

Thursday: Strength and hypertrophy

Snatch-grip deadlifts: 135*5, 225*5, 315*5, 365*3. You can do regular deadlifts if you have short arms. With my ape-like limbs, wide grip deadlifts force me to pull for a longer distance and better work my posterior chain and back.

Pullups: Six sets, max reps.

You can throw in a few heavy barbell curls if you're worried about your guns.

Friday: Light conditioning

Just like on Wednesday, go for a light run or do hill sprints.

Saturday: Strength, hypertrophy, power

Front squat: 135*5,185*5, 225*3, 245*3, 275*2. Front squats force you to keep your torso erect, keeping the load on your quadriceps. They also stress the upper back, leading to big-ass traps, which everyone should have. Like everything else, work toward increasing your top set every week.

Push press or behind the neck push press: 135*3, 155*3, 185*3, 205, 215, 225. I prefer the latter, but it is an advanced exercise that can lead to injury if you mess it up. Presses from the front are safer, yet I find that I can handle more weight on behind the neck presses. This is an explosive exercise that damn-near works every muscle in your body.

Sunday: Off.

So that's it. If you don't have the time, just do the first three workouts Monday, Wednesday, and Friday but add a little more volume.