Conan Brothers Q&A

 

RedditUser1324 asks "WTF am I even doing? I spend all my time consuming vapid content on social media platforms while my own creative ambitions remain unrealized. What am I doing with my life?"

Dave: It's like what they feared television would become.

Arnold: Televison was always limited by the amount of content. Nobody spent hours watching I Love Lucy. Even the good shit like Seinfeld only came on once a week, and by the time it was syndicated, you'd seen every episode. There were no algorithms computing what sort of nonsense you preferred to consume. There was no way to keep a television in your pocket.

Dave: We are aware of the great attention deficit scheme, yet we still have smartphones.

Arnold: I still go on Reddit, even though it's full of bullshit. The great irony is that they're using Reddit to train AI. I hope they're using all my shitposts.

Dave: Let's try to answer the question, Arnold.

Arnold: I suggest a phone fast, along with cutting off all social media. See how long you can go.

Dave: BUT IT'S MY LIFE.

Arnold: Is it? I've noticed that vapidly browsing Reddit increases my dissatisfaction, as well as my stress levels.

Dave: How many Am I The Asshole threads can you read before you definitively conclude that you are, in fact, the asshole?

Arnold: The poster is always the asshole because they're asking Reddit to be their morale compass, which is like asking Donald Trump to be your life coach.

Dave: Try to unplug, is what we're saying.

Arnold: Sure. We follow our own advice, don't we?

...

OldLifter38 asks "How do I keep hitting the weights while approaching middle-age? My joints ache and recovery seems to take forever."

Dave: What, you thought your ass would age like fine wine?

Arnold: My right rotator cuff is holding on by a thread. The last time I did some incline presses, my shoulder ached for four days and I had trouble sleeping. I don't do incline presses anymore.

Dave: Extra recovery days. I can't do a six day schedule anymore. I'm on a five day. Also, two of my days are very light, focusing on bodybuilding.

Arnold: Make sure you're getting enough sleep. If you have kids, that can be a problem. Your body repairs itself while you sleep.

Dave: We had to cut out the maxing every day shit.

Arnold: I'm not the biggest fan of 5/3/1, but as a nearly 40 year old lifter, I understand that deload on the fourth week now.

Dave: A deload every fourth week is part of our routine. You can't train like a twenty-year old anymore.

Arnold: That's a cold, hard fact.

...

Helldiver200 asks "You bros Helldiving tonight?"

Dave: I Helldive when I can.

Arnold: It's a great multiplayer game, but my god, is it still buggy. I got kicked from my last match right before extraction.

Dave: I wish there were more mission types.

Arnold: Yeah, after thirty or so hours in the game, you've seen everything it has to offer, and you probably have the better weapons and stratagems. Orbital Laser is my favorite.

Dave: Autocannon is the best gun. Hard, heavy, and fast. Only drawback is that it takes a while to reload.

Arnold: As long as my buddies are still playing, I'll still play.

Dave: Got to get that social time.

Bad Poetry: The Internet

 

It's important to remember 

That the Internet isn't real

It's just

An endless collection

Of ones and zeros

streaming through 

Coaxial cable

and telephone lines.

You can carry the Internet

Around in your pocket

So that it keeps its tether

Around your attention span.

But you can't really hold it

Nor can you tell me

What it's really good for

Besides bombarding our minds

With advertisements

and propaganda

From corporations

That slither about

Like enormous lizards

Intent on devouring 

Everyone's soul.

In the near future

No one will be able to read;

We'll communicate in emojis

And mangled memes.

Our children will reference

Influencers 

And every bit of shared culture

Will be forced upon us 

By monsters looking to make

A profit.

Nothing is inevitable

But death.

Give me the Butlerian jihad

Before I lose another hour

On Reddit,

Where my comments will be cannibalized

By machine learning, thereby

Insuring the eventual destruction

Of the next big pyramid scheme.

Fuck off, Internet.

I can still say that now,

Can't I?

 

 

A scuzzy garage-rocker with lyrics referencing some ho-down in the post-apocalyptic wastes. I think this shit's catchy! It's catchy, right?

Weightlifting: A New Hypertrophy Routine

Here's a five day hypertrophy routine focused on the powerlifts. This should challenge you without totally tanking your energy levels. In other words, this is a program designed by a thirty-eight year old man with recovery in mind. Without any further ado:

Sunday: Heavy squat, light pull. 

High bar squat, no belt. 4 sets of 3 with around 70 percent of your one rep max. Week two will having you keeping the weight the same, but doing 4 sets of 4. Week three will have you increase the reps again for 4 sets of 5. On week four, you'll do one set of as many reps as possible with the weight. You'll also do only 2 sets per body part for your assistance work instead of the normal 4. Then for week five you'll add 5 to 10 lbs and start the cycle over again.

Good mornings: 3 sets of 10. Add weight when you feel like it.

Calf raises: 2 to 3 sets of 12. Add weight whenever.

Knee raises: 2 to 3 sets of 12.

Barbell rows. 2 sets of 12. Add weight when you can, but start light and keep these easy.

Biceps: 4 sets of whatever biceps exercise you want. Barbell curls, dumbbell curls, incline curls, band curls are all great.

Monday. Heavy push. Bench presses with 70 percent of your 1 rep max for the same 4 sets of 3 progression as utilized during your squat day. For assistance work, just do 2 sets on week four.

Dumbbell incline presses or dumbbell flies: 2 sets of 10 to 12. Keep it easy.

Shoulders: 2 sets of lateral raises, 2 sets of upright rows. Keep it light, just get a pump.

Triceps: 2 sets of pressdowns, 2 sets of extensions. Just doing the work, not setting PRs.

Tuesday: Rest.

Wednesday: Light squat. Do a set of 10 with about 40 percent, then a set of 8 with around 45 to 50, then finally a set of 6 with around 50 to 55 percent. Add a rep to every set every week until the fourth week, where you'll do two sets of 10 with only 135 lbs. This is an easy squat day. You're doing the hard work on Sunday. This is just about practicing the movement and getting a little extra volume.

Dumbbell stiff-legged deadlift. Just grab a heavy dumbbell or two and do 2 sets of 10 to 12. This is meant to be light bodybuilding.

Crunches: 2 sets of 15.

Calf raises: 2 sets of 12.

Thursday. Light Bench Press. Same progression as the light squat.

Same assistance work as on the heavy bench press day.

Friday. Heavy pull day. Do deadlifts with the same progression as on the heavy squat and push days.

Chins: 4 sets of 8 to 10 reps.

Dumbbell rows: 3 sets of 6 to 12 reps.

Biceps: 4 sets of whatever curling movements you want to do.

Saturday. Rest.

I feel that this is a perfect program that covers all the bases. You get your heavy strength work in on the powerlifts while building muscle through bodybuilding movements. The AMRP weeks also function as a deload while giving you a chance to hit PRs. Every few months you could switch up main lifts--switch to close-grip bench press, sumo deadlift, or low-bar squat. Chose your own adventure! 

New Music: Walking on the Moon

 

I wrote this weird song on acoustic guitar, then fiddled around with the arrangement, going for a sixties psychedelic rock sound, a la the Pretty Things or early Pink Floyd. The intro implies a D major/D Mixolydian key, but most of the song is built around a back and forth chord progression between F#7 and G that accumulates tension before "resolving" on an E minor/E diminished chord. The chorus switches to a chromatically descending progression that goes Bflat/Bflat6-A7/A7m6-Aflat-add 2nd/G/G minor. This part was actually inspired by the strange chord progression of Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun, even if it doesn't sound like it. I'm proud of this song, with its strange chords and retro sound. Hopefully, others like it as well.

The Esteemed Critic Reviews Uncut Gems; Damsel; Ricky Stanicky

 

Uncut Gems--A thriller with no release, excepting the inevitable conclusion. Adam Sandler plays a diamond hustler named Howard Ratner whose gambling debt spirals out of control. The film begins with a short sequence showing the mining of a black opal and then detours to the inside of Howard's colon as he lies unconscious during a colonoscopy. See, the film wants you to know that Howard is an asshole, which becomes more and more obvious as we follow him around New York as he wheels and deals, using collateral that doesn't belong to him to attempt to pay off his brother in-law, a loan shark. Howard eventually obtains the black opal seen in the prologue, which garners the interest of basketball star Kevin Garnett. Garnett's possession of the opal seems to improve his play; Howard makes a big bet at the end of the movie after finally selling the opal to him. The psychology of the gambler is one of the movie's major themes. Howard can't help but gamble, despite the ever increasing hole he's digging. This is also one of the most Jewish movies I've ever seen. Howard works with other Jews, his family is very Jewish, and he actually obtains the opal from Ethiopian Jews. Howard himself is a stereotype--the Jewish diamond merchant obsessed with scoring big--but this is an American story, and Howard's quest for glory while oblivion nips at his heels fits in nicely into the Trump era (the movie was released in 2019). Anxiety builds in the viewer as the movie escalates, and while it can be off-putting (I thought about turning the movie off several times during the first sixty minutes) it mirrors the gambler's search for that elusive high. You'll get it along with Howard if you can stick around till the end. A challenging film, but a great one. Props to Sandler for doing something other than a moron comedy.

Damsel--a Netflix movie (like Uncut Gems) that has one good idea that nearly carries what is otherwise a B-flick. Millie Bobbie Brown plays a princess who agrees to marry a prince to save her kingdom, only to be sacrificed to a dragon. The first part of the movie is actually pretty good. Brown's character has to race from tunnel to tunnel while trying to outsmart the giant fire-breathing dragon that knows the labyrinth better than the princess ever could. Shohreh Aghdashloo voices the dragon, and she does an excellent job making the monster sound creepy. Unfortunately, the movie gets schlockier the longer it goes on, and as Brown survives more and more implausible scenarios, any surprise or tension the film had vanishes. Still, I enjoyed Damsel and think it's a good watch for a Saturday night. It almost feels like an updated version of Dragonslayer.   

Ricky Stanicky--One half of the Farrelly brothers is responsible for Ricky Stanicky, a comedy starring Zack Efron and John Cena about a trio of guys who have to find someone to play their imaginary friend who has served as their scapegoat into adulthood. Cena shines in this, particularly in an early scene in a strip joint where he sings perverted pop-songs rewritten to be about masturbation. Cena is the only one to stand out in what is otherwise an okay comedy with a few chuckles. There are no Dumber and Dumber-level scenes, and Efron doesn't distinguish himself, which is a shame, because he was pretty funny in Neighbors. Like Damsel, it might be worth a weekend watch. Just don't expect Something About Mary.

New Music: Firefly

 

A twelve-year old song that I wrote in Cincinnati. I don't believe it was ever played live, which is a shame, since it's a nice little acoustic ballad. For this arrangement, I just went with my new Fender acoustic, my cheap Jaguar bass run through my Epiphone Blues Custom, and a simple drum loop made in Reason. Sort of weird, but poetic lyrics give the tune some of my special "character." I like this song. I hope someone else does too.

Bad Poetry: A Bunch of Shit Poems

Morning

Coffee

Computer

Kids on couch

TV blaring

Are we awake 

Or will the process

Ever begin?

...

Spring Break

The boys still get up

At 6:30,

Harrison sneaking downstairs

To peruse his electronics.

Theo still asks every morn

If he is going to school today.

This cycle repeats

 

Ad infinitum

 

And sometimes I wonder

 

If I am going crazy.

 

What's another day in the bucket?

 

Ask me when I'm old

 

And I'll tell you.

 

...

Orchard Work

 

Cold

 

Windy

 

Bending over

 

For sticks

 

Turning tricks

 

For what?

 

You gotta be

 

A self-starter

 

Otherwise

 

None of this shit

 

Gets done. 

 

  

New Music: Spring

 

A little piece I threw together while playing with my stratocaster. Does it evoke the feel of spring? I thought it does, but hey, what do I know?

Thoughts on Phantom Liberty; Warhammer 40,000: Boltgun; and Helldivers 2

 

Phantom Liberty has some good graphics and decent gunplay.

My gaming attention has been pretty fragmented lately. I've divided my time between three titles, and here's what I think about them so far.

Cyberpunk 2077: Phantom Liberty--I enjoyed Cyberpunk enough to finally purchase the Phantom Liberty expansion. It starts off pretty hot--you break into Dogtown, an isolated part of Night City controlled by Barghest, a paramilitary group led by Kurt Hansen, after an enigmatic netrunner named Songbird begs you for help and promises a cure to V's fatal Keanu Reeves problem. Soon Airforce One crashes and you have to help the President of the New United States escape. It's all very reminiscent of Escape from New York and the graphical spectacle is impressive. The game cools its heels after rescuing the President, and V is soon embroiled in a spy caper involving Idris Elba and the game switches gears to more of a James Bond style romp. It's all pretty cool, but there are a lot of cutscenes, and despite them being beautifully rendered, you'll find yourself absorbing a lot of story rather than mowing down cyber-psychos. When you do some shooting, it's pretty fun. I used the Sandevistan to slow down time, along with cloaking from the new Relic skilltree to obliterate enemies with my shotgun, or double dashed through the air to finish off Barghest soldiers with my katana that can deflect bullets. You have quite a lot of options if you're willing to spend the points. Be prepared for a pretty long journey. I think I'm only about a third of the way through the story after about ten hours.

When I first played Cyberpunk, I did it on a RX 5700xt Radeon. With my RTX 3080, I can finally use DLSS and ray-tracing. Cyberpunk even has a path-tracing mode (actual realistic ray-tracing with multiple light bounces!) although it's barely playable on anything but a high-end card. I definitely noticed the reflections, while the shadows are a fairly minor upgrade. As for ray-traced lighting, it just looks different, if you even notice it. Path-tracing does look amazing, but I have to bump DLSS down to Balanced, which looks a bit low-res, and then I'm only averaging about 30 to 40 frames per second. Just my two-cents, but ray-tracing is a pretty minor upgrade unless you're going all in with path-tracing.

Some screens:

Warhammer 40,000: Boltgun--A boomer shooter with satisfying gunplay, somewhat confusing level design, and a strange difficulty curve that usually finds the game too easy, with some hard spikes every now and then when you run out of health and armor. I'm about a third of the way through this one, and I find it pretty comparable to Prodeus. It's best played in spurts. The pixelated look of the game is pretty cool, but there are shader compilation stutters from time to time, a given since this is an Unreal Engine game. Worth blitzing through if you're on Game Pass. I liked Dark Forces a bit more.

Helldivers 2--I'm not as apeshit about this game as the rest of the internet. That being said, it is really fun to play with your friends. A Starship Troopers simulator, Helldivers finds you assaulting various alien worlds either full of giant bugs or terminator robots, coordinating with your four man squad to complete various objectives. What Helldivers does really well is simulate the carnage of warfare. You can call in various types of airstrikes, which are required to take out the harder enemies, such as chargers or bile titans, and the various types of unlockables, including defensive deployables like Tesla towers, really give the game a different feel than other co-op titles. I would say it's a tad buggy, however. I haven't had any trouble getting into a game, but the developers had to struggle to add servers, since they underestimated how big a hit the game was going to be. Definitely check out if you have some good gaming buddies.

   

Weightlifting: Bench Press 200 lbs for 17

 

After about a month of doing a bodybuilding routine, I've realized that I lose interest in weightlifting if I'm not focusing on increasing my strength. I gained a bit of muscle in my arms and back, however, and I'm about five pounds lighter than I was before. Here's to hitting heavy PRs again, albeit with a four day routine instead of the six day routine I was doing before. Recovery is usually an issue.