A Brief Conversation with a Home Warranty Scammer

 

The Esteemed Critic Reviews The Odyssey

 

Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey is a brilliant reinterpretation of the ancient story. Matt Damon's Odysseus is a man haunted by his deeds in the Trojan war, whose guilt complicates his decade-long efforts to return home. Nolan's signature muted color palate and disjointed narrative feature heavily here, but it works, as we learn the story from Odysseus as he is weened off the lotus flowers that he has devoured ever since washing up on the sea nymph Calypso's shores, crewless and desperate not to remember. Zeus's hospitality--the ancient law to treat others under your roof as you would treat one of the gods--is constantly referenced. Through tricking the Trojans into thinking Athena has left them a gift, Odysseus ended the Trojan war by opening the gates of the city after exiting through the famous horse. "Ten years of rage poured into the city in one night," he confesses. One of the great twists of the movie involves the appearance of Athena (Zendaya), who periodically appears to Odysseus to represent his conscience. The whole gritty realism trend in media was started by Nolan--his version of Batman strips the character of much of the overtly fantastical--but he doesn't not necessarily do this with the Odyssey. The cyclops, giant warriors, a trip to Hades--these all appear. But the focus of the story is not on building a mythical universe. Rather, it's all about how the powerful destroy civilization by breaking down the basic hospitality that holds us together. Nolan is angry about the modern world (as am I), where the previously unthinkable seems to happen everyday. Odysseus is forced into the Trojan war by Agamemnon who towers over the rest of the Greeks in his intimidating armor. However, when Odysseus meets his king in Hades, Agamemnon tells him not to go home and expect a welcome, as he was slain by his wife for sacrificing their daughter for favorable winds for the journey to Troy. Stripped of his armor in the flashback, Agamemnon is soft, his hair billowing down to his shoulders in luscious curls. He is killed in his bed by a tiny woman, revealing his entire stature to be an illusion. This is why Nolan's Odyssey is dangerous to fascists. It's not the casting of Elliot Page as one of Odysseus's soldiers, or Lupita Nyong'o's portrayal of Helen of Troy (though it does reveal their bigotry) that really endangers them. It's the fear that the powerful will be revealed as fakes like Agamemnon. It's the idea that shame and empathy can mar the feats of a legendary warrior like Odysseus. Elon Musk has threatened to make a non-woke "historically accurate" version of the Odyssey using AI, proving once and for all that he is an absolute moron (Where are you going to find a historically accurate cyclops, Elon?). That he thinks he can surpass Nolan's artistic achievement using his plagiarizing, destructive technology shows that he is a true villain, an man who thinks the rules of civilization do not constrain him. He is Robert Pattinson's Antinous, a coward plotting to steal Odysseus's kingdom while he is away. In the Odyssey, there is a reckoning, and despite atoning for his mistakes, Odysseus goes into exile, leaving his kingdom to the next generation. Such is the way of life, no? The Odyssey is the best film of Christopher Nolan's career, a must-see movie that's about as moving as a blockbuster film can be. 

Weightlifting: A Nearly 41 Year Old Man Chooses to Do the Bulgarian Method for Powerlifting

 

The Bulgarian Method was a brutal live or die weightlifting method developed by Ivan Abadjiev that led to his country competing with the Soviet Union in the 70's despite being unknown for weightlifting beforehand. The program features daily maxes on the Olympic lifts, with multiple sessions per day, all under the watchful eye of a coach while aided by a copious amounts of drugs. Powerlifter Greg Nuckols adapted the daily maxing and frequent training sessions for his own purposes, and published a manual detailing the program. I believe he published it seven years ago; I haven't heard much since about it. The lifting world is powered by Youtube bro-influencers shitting out information that's about as useful to a veteran lifter as whatever a hobo on the street will tell you about... well, anything. Anyway, in the past, I have done very well with high-intensity, high-frequency training. My most successful training block the past couple of years featured constant rep maxes and training frequencies of at least five days a week. Unfortunately, the deadlift maxing basically killed me, and I had to step away from that sort of thing for a couple of years, during which I've just been churning my gears, doing bodybuilding work. It's not satisfying training; I've always lifted for strength rather than appearance, and now, as a nearly 41 year old man, I've noticed the onset of middle age. My recovery is prolonged; I can no longer drink alcohol hardly; I'm getting lines around my eyes. I would like one final challenge, however, before I ride off into the sunset as a broken old man, and so, I'm trying Nuckols' Bulgarian strategy. Two weeks in, it's surprisingly do-able. As for how sustainable it will be, and how much success I'll have, we'll have to see. Here's what I'm doing.

Daily Maxes, all the time. In Nuckols' program, you squat and bench at least four times a week, working up to a daily max. A daily max is a heavy weight that you can hit any day of the week without psychological stress--it should be 80 to 90 percent of your true one rep max. For the squat, I've started out with 275 lbs, which I've blown past every single day so far. Yesterday, which was my third day squatting in a row, I hit 325 lbs for a smooth single. These daily maxes should increase, but every training session will not be as smooth as butter. If you hit your daily max and it feels like shit, you're supposed to take some weight off the bar and do some doubles or triples. That's the program in a nutshell. Heavy weights every session, but low daily volume. For the deadlift, you're supposed to do five to ten reps between 60 and 70 percent of your max once or twice a week. Assistance work is optional. I've been doing curls, rows, and pullups, but nothing else.

The demands of my job are brutal right now. The heat is constant, the humidity thick, and my traps are often riddled with muscle knots. I'll often do my training while washing apples. It's quick, it's low-rep, and I'm excited to do it. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, despite squatting 325 lbs yesterday. My pecs, which were really sore early in the week, have already recovered. Perhaps I'm uniquely suited for this type of training, or maybe it's just the placebo effect of trying something new. In any case, I think I'll start posting a training log at the end of the week detailing my accomplishments. I'd like to squat 400 lbs and bench press 300 lbs again. We'll see if I can do it.  

 

The Esteemed Critic Reviews: Poor Things; High-Fidelity; The Death of Stalin

 

Poor Things: Poor Things is a feminist Frankenstein tale directed by Yorgos Lanthimos, starring Emma Stone as a woman reanimated with the brain of her unborn child inside her skull. Described by one Redditor as "If Tim Burton made a Wes Anderson film," Poor Things is animated by Stone's brilliant performance, which successfully straddles the line between daft and sophisticated. "Never go full retard," intoned Tony Stark in blackface, and while that's true most of the time, I think Poor Things makes its own logic. Mark Ruffalo also deserves praise for his foppish dandy who tries and fails to tame Stone's Bella. There's a lot of "vigorous jumping" as Bella refers to sex, and a lot of it is more grotesque than titillating, so be warned. Just an altogether brilliant movie that's like little else out there. Ten fucking stars.

High-Fidelity: I dunno about that John Cusack guy. His character in High-Fidelity is a hipster record store owner interviewing past girl friends about where it all went wrong. He reminds me greatly of Ted Mosby, the star of How I Met Your Mother, and I fucking hate Ted Mosby. The record store hipster was not a beloved creature in the nineties, and I wonder if he's gone the way of the Yeti or his North American cousin, the Sasquatch. If so, good riddance. Gate-keeping music "fans" suck. Anyways, Cusack's character is always pining for what he might have instead of appreciating what he has, and his realization of this fact is supposed to be the climax of our film. Like, why is this guy landing girls anyway? He's running a shitty record store, he has no sense of humor, and he's a perennial cheater. You know how Woody Allen was always writing himself into his films as a sex-obsessed nerd who nevertheless gets the good-looking woman despite being an obvious pervert and looking like Woody Allen? Yeah, that shit sucks. Five and a half stars out of a hypothetical ten, and Jack Black is worth most of those stars.

The Death of Stalin: Funny and terrifying at the same time, The Death of Stalin shows how a totalitarian system devoted to one man quickly crumbles into in-fighting and violent chaos when that leader bites the dust. I wonder if anybody in Trump-world has seen this film? Steve Buscemi is great as Khrushchev. Eight out of ten mangos.

Microsoft and Sony Are Trying to Kill the Console Business

 

Microsoft and Sony don't want your business. Playstation is ending the production of disks for new games starting in 2028. Microsoft is laying off 20 percent of X Box, including half of id Software, the guys behind Doom. Sony is no longer porting their popular single player games to PC. Due to the incredibly slow pace of development for most Sony Studios, that's not as big a flex as they think it is. The AI bubble has inflated hardware costs so that a PS5 and an X Box Series X cost 600 dollars, up one-hundred bucks since their launch five years ago, with more increases likely as data centers gobble up RAM and SSDs. The next gen machines, which are rumored to be delayed, will likely cost one-thousand dollars if the AI bubble doesn't pop.

Let's add it all up. 1000 dollars consoles with no new games, less studios, and no physical media. Considering the dearth of disposable income and the worsening economic outlook, who is going to buy this shit? If a console is going to cost over 1000 bucks, why not just switch to PC, where you have more options, from the hardware in your machine to what store you buy your games from. Unlike Playstation and X Box, a PC is a continuous platform. You don't have to depend on Sony or Microsoft to port your old games over or worry about them deciding that you don't own them anymore at a whim.

I've always been primarily a PC gamer, but I understand the value of consoles. In my basement, we have an N64. My kids play it all the time, and I just recently bought Mario Kart 64 on ebay for 20 bucks. Decades on, it's a useful machine, simply designed and easy to use. It would be great if the geniuses at Sony and Microsoft realized that there are customers out there that they should appeal to rather than their shareholders. What happened to good ol' fashioned capitalism where you deliver a quality product at a decent price? All I know is that at this point, I see no reason to purchase whatever overpriced machine either company delivers in the future. 

Is Mitch McConnell Fucking Dead Yet?

 

Mitch McConnell, former Senate Majority Leader and chief architect of the current hellscape that is our politics, is apparently lingering in between a state of death and life. No one has seen the son of a bitch for over three weeks since his hospitalization, and despite the words of his aides, crazy-ass Laura Loomer claims Mitch is "brain-dead" and on his death bed. If the grim reaper has finally come to take the turtle to the underworld, why lie about his status? Do his aides think they can pull a Weekend At Bernie's with McConnell's corpse? Even in death the motherfucker is blocking seats.

Mitch McConnell has been in the Senate since I was born in 1985. During his tenure, Kentucky has remained near the bottom of states in every major indicator of quality of life. His chief legacy is stealing a Supreme Court Seat from Obama, one that Neil Gorsuch, who doesn't believe in birthright citizenship, filled. Oh yeah, and he didn't vote to impeach Trump after January 6th, even though he was quoted saying that Trump was responsible for that day. Very interesting to note also that since Mitch has been in the hospital, his wife Elaine Chao fucked off to China, declining to abandon her trip even though her husband is likely dead or dying.

Politicians lingering in office far past the date when they should have retired is unfortunately too common in America. Biden was obviously in bad shape during the end of his term, and whatever passes for Trump's brain is currently turning completely into mush. McConnell's evil deeds will outlive his physical form, with the consequences spanning generations. I must ask the voters of Kentucky what the fuck they were thinking by continuing to elect Mitch McConnell for forty years, but then again, I've long ago lost faith in the voters. We can only hope that this traitor to democracy can finally descend into hell where he belongs. Stuff that shit down the drain, is what I'm saying. Let's not let McConnell's corpse clog anything any further.   

Shit I Never Thought I'd See

 

Crocs: Remember how everyone wore crocs in Idiocracy because the producers thought they were too hideous to ever to become popular? Well, that fucking movie turned out to be a documentary, and now you're more likely to see someone wearing a pair of crocs than a real pair of shoes, especially in my neck of the woods. Crocs look like what they would make Cosmo Kramer wear in the shower after the authorities dragged him to the loony bin. They are ugly, lazy, full of holes, and made of plastic, just like the American soul. They don't require socks or bending over. No one has ever wanted to see someone wear a pair of crocs. I don't know if they are comfortable or not because I would never put them on my fucking feet. Maybe when they drag me into solitary confinement they'll slip a pair on my hooves as a final fuck you. Crocs are the ultimate expression of how America has given up on everything from democracy to basic aesthetics. They are dumb-dumb shoes. Don't be a dumb-dumb. Don't wear crocs.

 

Deserted Streets: I think this is more of a small town thing, but I'm always struck by the complete lack of people when I walk around my neighborhood. Where are all the kids on bikes? Why is nobody working on their yard or hanging out on their porch? Where are the crowds of teenagers listening to music and drinking stolen beer? I think they're inside, messing around on their phones. It's amazing the extent to which smart phones have disrupted society. I never thought kids would stop hanging out because Tik-Tok videos are more interesting than real friends, but what the fuck do I know?

 

The Mass Popularity of Video Games: When I was a kid, you didn't talk about video games, lest you be accused of being a nerd. Sure, a lot of people played video games, but it was something shameful, like looking at pornography, and you sure as hell didn't advertise it, and no adults I knew played video games. Nowadays, nine times out of ten if I have a conversation with a thirty to forty year old dude, there's a good chance that they're a fellow gamer, and the subject will be brought up as casually as if you were asking what sports you follow. The stigma of spending hours by yourself in front of a tv or computer screen has all but disappeared. And while I absolutely love video games, I'm unsure whether this is a healthy development for society.

Influencers: I never thought that people would voluntarily watch strangers on the internet filming themselves speaking. Of course by now it should be clear that my understanding of human psychology was maybe not as complete as I thought it was in the past. The whole idea of an influencer is more or less incompatible with the cultural zeitgeist of the nineteen nineties. You'd be considered completely uncool for making nerdy little videos, and any ads would be evidence of your selling out. Society also used to want to know if someone was an actual expert before listening to them prattle on. But the real insidiousness of influencers and content creators is that people consider these strangers their friends because they have replaced the flesh and blood people in their lives. This is a subtle, subconcious switch, but I guarantee it has happened, if the complete collapse of people hanging out is any indication.

Trump as President: This is the three-hundred pound elephant in the room (yes, Trump is probably that fat). A decade on since Trump first became President, I still can't quite come to grips with that fact. There is more evidence out there that Donald Trump is possibly the worst person to ever be President than there is for the fundamental force of gravity, and yet every day brings some fresh horror. I understand that my fellow Americans are dumb and racist, but by god, how can they not see that this man is a grifter loser who couldn't care less about them and the country? He's a pedophile, a traitor, a rapist, a malfeasant, and an idiot. The crazy thing is that all of this evidence is out in the open and plain to see. But here we are, living through Trump's second term, sitting by idly as he uses his powers to destroy our country. Life is stranger than fiction. Give me Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Camacho!     

New Music: It Came Like Thunder

 

A guitar instrumental built around a pentatonic riff that hits hard when it needs to before backing off to do the same thing over and over again. You know. Like a jabroni. Part of my Music For Video Games series.

Video Game Reviews: Forza Horizon 6; MOUSE: PI for Hire

 

Forza Horizon 6 is a great open-world driving game. It's not a hardcore racing sim, although you can fine-tune your car and jack up the difficulty if you wish. What it excels at is low-key chilling. You get exotic cars like candy, and now the engine features ray-traced global illumination and reflections, so that Aston Martin Vulcan gleams in the sun like a fiery chariot of the gods. Japan is the setting, and while Tokyo could have been bigger, the map is as beautiful and fun to explore as ever. There are idyllic country farms to cruise past, highways to blister across, and snowy mountains to climb. You can hunt down regional mascots or try to earn three stars by hitting 200 mphs through speed traps. All sorts of races are available, from cross-country epics to winding street races to rally mudpits. My favorite cars so far are my Nissan GT-R and my orange Lamborghini Hurcan. Could the campaign be more linear? Perhaps. Is the driving AI full of cheaters on any difficulty past Above-Average? I think so. Still, these are minor knocks. If you have any interest in a fun driving game that'll occasionally make you think you're really in Japan (those graphics are good), then check out Forza Horizon 6.

Screenshots:

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MOUSE: PI For Hire is a boomer-shooter (man, I hate that term) with a classic animated art style reminiscent of the Steam-Boat Willy era. It's an amazing looking game that absolutely nails what it's going for visually. Unfortunately, the gameplay doesn't quite hold up. Aiming for a noir story with goofy cartoon elements, MOUSE stumbles with its basic arsenal that just isn't that fun to use. Take a gander at this exciting line up: a pistol, a shotgun, a double-barrel shotgun, a tommy gun, and a cannon ball launcher. The only weapon of note so far after 8 hours of play is the devarnisher, which melts the skin off enemies, leaving only their bones. The feel of these weapons just isn't right--there's no satisfying gib pile after dispatching an enemy with the shotgun like in Doom--and the levels are cramped arenas that don't really stick in your memory. The story is detailed but uninteresting, and the cheese puns are over the top, to the point where I just wish they'd left the whole anthropomorphic mouse idea on the cutting table. What the game needed was more creative weaponry. It's a cartoon world, why can't I have a giant mallet or an anvil launcher? So despite its good looks, I'm not sure I'll finish MOUSE: PI For Hire.

New Music: Song of Songs

 

I've probably redid this one three or four times at this point. I think this is the definitive version of my grungy rocker. I redid most of the vocals, remixed all the tracks, and added different guitar solos. It's hard to be happy with a piece of art? Did I say art? Fuck art, man!

Weightlifting: Nearly a Year of Lifting While 40

 

Still good at pullups!

Turning forty last August was quite the milestone. At forty, your youth is in the rear view mirror and middle-age is no longer the hypothetical future; it's the here and now. I have been lifting weights since my late twenties, and obviously, the sort of training I did in the past is now no longer viable, with my broken down physique and low testosterone. Or at least, that's what some would have you believe. In actuality, I feel pretty great most of the time, and I can still lift heavy and if you care to know, my dick hasn't fallen off (not yet, anyway). Recovery is the main issue--as long as I'm smart, I'm able to continue injury free. So here's a brief bullet-point look at my training and why I do it the way that I do.

-I squat two days a week with moderate volume: High bar squat only! Reading Starting Strength as a 27 year old might have been the single most damaging thing I did in my weightlifting career. Learning to squat low-bar, which isn't a natural way to squat, damaged my hips and led to my tendency to lean to my right side while coming out of the hole. The last year or so I've spent perfecting my high bar squat, and now my quads are nice and meaty and I fear not the bottom position, nor do I dread squatting. The hip issues I've had in the past have also disappeared. Squatting light weights for high reps also pays dividends. Starting Strength was always about adding weight as fast as possible, which is stupid. Add weight slowly! Master the weight. Make it your bitch, and then add five pounds. If you can repeat that for years, you'll end up squatting 500 lbs.

-I'm learning to love the high incline bench press. The high incline bench press (I'm talking about an incline angle of about 75 degrees) is probably the king of all pressing exercises. It's closer to a overhead press than a bench press, but you're still using your pectorals, so you can handle weights heavier than you can strict press standing. The range of motion is huge compared to a flat bench press as well. I've been using the incline three times a week for all of my pressing needs. I don't know how well it transfers to the flat bench, but frankly at this point, I don't care. It certainly translates well to overhead pressing; I went from barely being able to press a 70 lbs dumbbell over my head for one rep to doing it fairly easily for five reps after spending time incline pressing. No need to flat bench or overhead press! Just replace it with the high incline two to three days a week.

-I still deadlift but I'm careful about volume. One lingering issue for me is chronic trapezius pain. I get these huge muscle knots in my traps that cause my neck and head to ache. Deadlifting for reps is one of the triggers. As much as I love repping out heavy deadlifts, I just can't handle the recovery at this point. So I deadlift once a week, usually just hitting a heavy single or set of five. For assistance, I do good mornings, which are essential.

-I fill in the blanks with select bodybuilding assistance.  The main reason I lift weights is to get stronger. I do want to look muscular, but I've never been able to embrace the ridiculousness of bodybuilding, even if I've trained like a bodybuilder recently. I still have to chase numbers in big lifts in order to be motivated to train. However, I've discovered the value of doing curls, pullups, rows, triceps movements, and even leg extensions to build and retain muscle mass. You won't get big arms without doing curls (another Starting Strength misconception). Filling out your training with at least fifty percent of it being easier bodybuilding movements ensures you retain your mobility and general fitness while keeping injury free.