Thursday, January 5, 2017

New Year's Resolutions


Only assholes make new year's resolutions. Here are some of mine.

1. Deadlift 600 lbs like the long-armed gorilla I am.

2. Eat something besides cheesecake.

3.  Cut my coffee consumption down to 3 pots a day.

4. Grow back my beautiful, long, blonde mane.

5. Raise my beastboy the right way, so that he loves 'merica and kicking ass.

6. Strict press 225 lbs.

7. Figure out what French Surrealism is.

8. Learn German so I can better understand the current political climate (hah!).

9. Finish my awesome fantasy novel The Heart of the Thief.

10. Self-publish my feminist-pulp horror/thriller Apophenia.

11. Figure out the meaning of life so I can tweet it in 140 characters or less.

12. Replace one of my dogs with an animal that isn't a son of a bitch.

13. Cut off all access to technology, except for blogger, facebook, gmail, Steam, and firefox.

14. Release an album of music under the Theme Park Mistress name.

15. Stop my addiction to internet news.

16. Slow down and enjoy the quiet things, e.g., the voices that come out of the ether.

17. Figure out what my boy means when he makes all those fart sounds with his face.

18. Become a master guitar player, one so good that I can melt Yngwie Malmsteen's visage with a flurry of super-hot licks.

19. Stop pooping my pants so much.


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