New Music: A Day In The Life

 

Wrote this eons ago (older version here on Soundcloud) but was never happy with the drum loop or the overdistorted production. This time I used my strat and a cheap tubescreamer, and I'm mostly content with the tone I got (solos are still a little too piercingly trebly, but hell, that's a strat for you). Lyrically, I've always liked this song, which trades coherence for mood, an exchange that every songwriter is prepared to make. Would love to do A Day In The Life with a live band. Perhaps some other time.

Hanging with The Goon

 

Well folks, tis teh season to stick yard signs in yer yard taht display yur most promonent religion. Slack has him a Trump sign in front of teh trailer even though no one can see it, wich is why he hammered one-hundred of them on teh trees and animamals surroundin us. I mesylf can't abide teh orange menace, but teh last sort of argument you want ta have wit Slack is one about Drumpf 'cause he thinks he's taht besteest thing since donuts or confedrat asshol tattoos. Bein' teh sole Communists in taht family, I already used my Constiutional right to vote early, thou it wont matter in my state 'cuase of teh Electrocution Collage. IN fact, teh nice lady wit teh behive in her hair took my ballet an threw it in teh trash wit teh rest of teh mail, but its teh thought teh counts, hah. Lemme tell ya about teh importance of voting: it's really, really important. My intire family are Trump supporters, an tehy are about teh worst people I've ever met. Uncle Tom is a convicted woman-tenderiser; Slack is a meth0head an a hater of colors; Reuben went missin after he pooped in teh gazeebo. Yall gotta cancel culture these people out. Tehy are all into Q, taht guy from Star Trek who was always messin' wit Cap'n Picard. Well I guess he says taht Trump is savin us from teh Klingons and tehr nafarious scheme to eat all teh Vulcan childrens, which would me we wouldn't have no more computer wizzes or autistic savaunts. That sounds liek a bunch of nonsense to me. Now I no what yur sayin: that ol' Goon couln't find no diffrence between his asshole an a hole in teh ground. Keepin taht in mind, my family is even dumber tahn me. Slack once gotta his wenus stuck in a tree; Reuben dont eat mayonnase 'cause he think it poisonius; Uncle Tom cant read no better tahn a raccoon. If I leave teh trailer, I make sure I diddn't leave teh matches out, lest Slack burn teh whole wood down tryin to heat up a pot of meetloaf. When I say Meetloaf, I mean I loaf of bread stuffed wit mystery meat. I told ya tehy dont got no brains.

I guess waht Im sayin is you gotta half hope in teh world, hope in people makin' each other better an not worse. All Drumpf is for is hatin' yur neighbor while tehy die of teh coronavirus. I aint votin fer nobody who dont take no responsibility for nuffin. Every time Slack pisses all over teh toliet seat, he don't clean it up. I think tahts teh best metapoor for waht Trump's done to are country. If only I could convince ol Sam to ditch him. Hes made an apple man fer Trump, an' every night he hang a raccoon pelt on his head. Perty soon teh raccoon pelts are gonna rise up to teh sky. I don't know waht his lookin' fer, but I sure as hell hope he dont find it. So get out tehr an rock teh vote liek Pdiddy was sayin.

Batman and Robin: The Shit Hits the Fan

 

Batman is grinding his way through a bowl of grapenuts when Robin appears in the kitchen, his bags packed. His face wears a pained expression, as though he is dreading what is coming next. Nevertheless, he pulls up a chair and sits down next to Batman, his hands folded together before him.

"I'm moving out," he says

"'About time," replies Batman. His mastication sounds like the grinding of gears.

"Bruce, we've known each other a long time. You've been like a father to me. But the last four years or so, we've grown apart..."

"Liberal pussy talk," snorts Batman in disgust.

"And I really can't take it anymore. Not with a month to go. I need to be some place else."

"Why? What's happening in a month?" asks Batman, a slight smile on his unshaven face.

"Americans get one last chance to save their democracy," says Robin.

"More like Americans get one more chance to make America liberal pussy free," says Batman.

"That's the position you're going to take? Is that a real argument or just a senseless insult?" asks Robin.

"Got to watch the polls. Christ knows Antifa will be out, along with the Black Lives Matter punks. I'll be there, roosting. Any child-kidnapping, Satan-worshiping communists try to cast their vote, well, they'll be good and fucked, lemme tell you. I ain't dragging their ass to Commissioner Gordon. No one will ever find the bodies."

"I'm not really sure if you're serious or not. Tell me your not serious," pleads Robin.

"Oh I'm serious. I got contacts in Metropolis as well. They're planning a little something special for ol' illegal alien Clark Kent. Let's just say Superman will be forced to go back to his shit-hole country instead of infesting the US of A with his commie bullshit."

"His planet literally doesn't exist anymore, Bruce. You know that. You expect him to go back to a broken collection of rocks?"

"You can't let any of them in, not a single fucking one!" screams Batman, pounding his fist on the table. The bowl of grapenuts overturns and spills its rock-hard contents all over the floor.

"What the fuck happened to democracy?" asks Robin, getting up from the table.

"Democracy? This is a federal republic, not ancient Athens! This country was founded by white Christian men, and by god, that's how it's going to stay! We don't need any Kryptonians, no fucking Martian Manhunters, no goddamn illegals from under the sea that fuck dolphins and fish-people! I'm going to take a big fist-full of Jesus and shove it so far down their throats that when they take a shit, it'll be a perfect reproduction of Donald Trump's face!"

"What? You want Aquaman's poop to look like Trump? That's even bizarre for you, Bruce. Isn't that kind of disrespectful of the President?"

"Take your book-reading, soy-latte-sipping, manscaped pussy-queefing ass out of my mansion, you piece of shit!"

Robin ducks as the box of grapenuts flies past his face. He doesn't know what the next year will bring. He's not sure if he'll ever see Batman again. As he goes out the door, he is filled with an incredible sense of sadness. The MAGA sign in the front yard of Wayne Manor taunts him like one of the Joker's grotesque poisonous balloons, and he has to fight an urge to rend it into pieces. He knows he can't change Batman. He hopes Batman will change himself.

Conan Brothers Q&A

 

ElectionLarry asks "Holy shit, Trump has coronavirus! How does this affect things?"

Dave: Who the fuck knows.

Arnold: I guess there is some justice in the world. The President has spent months pretending that the coronavirus doesn't exist, and now he has it.

Dave: His supporters won't care.

Arnold: I'm starting to believe more in a Biden blow-out. He's had a seven point national lead for sometime, and he's leading in all the swing states. Sure, Trump's base of morons are loud (as morons tend to be) but this might be the final nail in the coffin.

Dave: If you're a QAnon supporter, you're too stupid to change your mind.

Arnold: True. The Right has lost its mind. Then again, are there sixty million true-blue crazies out there still? A lot of people voted for Trump in 2016 as a protest against the system. Are they going to show up?

Dave: Nobody knows. What if he dies from the coronavirus? What if he infected Biden during the debates?

Arnold: Christ, the conspiracy theorists will say the deep state poisoned Trump. The right-wing media will run with it, because they are composed of liars and manipulators. I can imagine with horror the pure chaos that will ensue.

Dave: Really, 2021 can't get here fast enough. I'm so tired of thinking about Trump and the shit-show he's reigned over the last four years.

Arnold: There's no guarantee it'll be over in 2021. That uncertainty is the worst feeling, living with the knowledge that this horrible human being may somehow drag our country down with him.

Dave: I like scrounging through wastelands in video games, not real life.

...

JoeBlow asks "You guys ever train for Strongman?"

Dave: Yes.

Arnold: Strongman is about picking up really heavy shit. The deadlift and the overhead press should form the backbone of your training in the weight room. I'm thinking about ordering some Atlas stone molds. A log for pressing would also be nice, since I'm told that log pressing is different and not exactly like pressing a barbell overhead.

Dave: This article from EliteFTS  lays out a good three day press/pull/push program for strongman.

...

GamerDude asks "What are you guys playing?"

Dave: Dragon Age: Inquisition. Sort of.

Arnold: I can't get into the combat. Also, there's no healing spells.

Dave: A nightmare playthrough of Doom Eternal is good fun.

Arnold: Yeah, I'm still amazed how quickly I changed my opinion on that game. The added complexity to the combat gives it more replay value, as does the increased size of the levels.

Dave: Game of the year, so far.

Arnold: I can't foresee anything else coming out that I'll enjoy as much.