Alternative Facts

If 2016 was about upending societal norms, 2017 is about formulating new ones. With the Supreme Leader's establishment of so-called "alternative facts," we here at Pointless Venture would like to list some other candidates for Presidential consideration. Hold on to your butts, folks: this shit is about to get real (from a certain point of view).

Potential alt-fact #1) The dinosaurs never existed. Invented by the Chinese to destabilize our Christian nation, dinosaurs are incompatible with modern science, according to 55 percent of the people claiming to be scientists. Anyone who says otherwise is either a commie or an atheist, which are the same thing, if we're being honest.

Potential alt-fact #2) Jesus was white and definitely not Jewish. Did you know that the Jews killed Jesus? If Jesus was a Jew, then why would the Jews murder him? I also heard that Jews eat children and love money more than all things. Basically, they're Ferengi, is what I'm saying. Are you telling me that Jesus was a Ferengi? Blasphemy!

Potential alt-fact #3) America has always been best buddies with Russia. Cold War? That sounds like something L. Ron Hubbard made up! Let me lay down some history for you! The U.S.S.R. helped us defeat the Nazis during World War 2. Does that sound like something bad guys would do? Plus Vladimir Putin is like a man's man and totally nothing like a Bond villain. I know for certain that he doesn't own any white Persians, at least.

Potential alt-fact #4) Two wrongs make a right. Bill Clinton had illicit affairs, so that takes the Supreme Leader off the hook for grabbing pussies. Also there were emails and stuff, which negates most, if not all, of the racist/misogynist/xenophobic/evil shit he said.

Potential alt-fact #5) America is united in its quest to make America Great Again. Everyone voted for Trump. It was a historic election. The biggest of all time. His inauguration made Hitler's look downright embarrassing. There are no dissidents. All those women that were protesting were out of work and fat. Everyone thinks the Supreme Leader's Cabinet picks are terrific. If he says something, then it is true. He's the Supreme Leader, after all.

Potential alt-fact #6) Global warming is a hoax. Listen, I heard that Chinese scientists built a giant mirror up in space to reflect the sun's heat back at America so that we would regulate carbon emissions and stunt our economy. Rising temperatures are caused by that big-ass mirror. That's fake heat, is what I'm saying. It's not real, and neither is global warming. Even if global warming were real (and it isn't) who wouldn't want to live in a desert? Las Vegas is the desert and it's fucking awesome. Let's all live in Vegas.

Potential alt-fact #7) The Republican Party is the party of conservative values and not total, irredeemable evil. Abortion, the gays, guns, and God. Throw some white supremacy in there and call it the alt-right and we have all the ingredients to rally up the base while middle-class wages stagnate, corporate profits surge, people go without health insurance, and women lose the right to control their own bodies. Also, don't forget the deregulation that's sure to destabilize the economy, as well as the abolition of EPA policies designed to keep our planet habitable. Other than the first sentence, all that stuff I just mentioned is liberal propaganda. If you don't love your country and this President, then get the fuck out.

Potential alt-fact #8) "War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength." Look, I found this book called 1984 and it's a really cool guide to running a country. It's got a lot of great advice and stellar quotes. I think the Supreme Leader should have someone read an abridged version to him.