You all like sticks? I sure do.
Howdy partners, its been a good adn long time since teh Goon laid his eyes on teh interwebs and told folks about this sorry mess called Life. Last time I spokee to ya'lls, I was thinkin' bout heading down to Mexico to rescue Hernando from Vanilla Ice and his crew, but taht got called off cuz I was busted fer drunk drivin' wit out me pants or shoes on. Sense I also had one pound of Cokecain in my truck, theys was gonna put teh ol' Goon away fer a very long time. Luckily, I am three-quarters cousins wit Attorney Gerneral Jeff Sessions, an after I wrote him a long letter about how drugs an teh liberal media have ravaged our family, he let me off teh hook by arranging to have teh door to me cell be left unlocked, inablin teh Goon to escape. Now I'm on teh run, just like Hernando was, though I don't think Vanilla Ice is after me, far as I know. Don't tell anybody, but I'm hidin' in teh ochard, eatin' worms and rotten apple skins an' waiting till teh coast is clear an I can start my ol' time life agains. Sam discovered me one day pissin' on an apple tree, an he putt me back to work picking up prunings. Now if none of yas have ever pruned an apple tree, its mighty hard work, lemmee tell ya. You have to shape it like a South-eastern Indiana lady, that is, like a pear that's about to explode out its bottom-side. I done F'ed-up too many trees last year so Sam don't let me prune none. Pickin' up sticks is my business now. It is my life.
When I close my eyes at night, I sees sticks. When I look at my fingers real good, I sees sticks. When I eat dinner, I sees sticks (sometimes I eat sticks, so that's why taht is). I counted teh stick piles in teh orchard one day an I counted four-hundred and twenty-seven an three-quarters. What are we gonna do wit all them sticks? Well, we're gonna bury them. Some, we're gonna burn. Others, we're gonna haul to teh dump. Even more we will feed to teh chipper. Any thats left I'm a gonna build a house out of to live in full-time. I has had enough of trailer livin. I has embraced teh outdoors.
That there above is me me prototype. Do ya think I can cajoule any perty ladies to come an touch my pillow snake in the humble confines of this dwelling? I think, if teh Goon makes a point to brush his teeth and comb teh worms outta his hair that he has as good a chance as anybody. Tilll next time, God bless.