I'm the devil and I'll do what I want.
The Christmas season is almost upon us, so in the spirit of holiday cheer, I thought I'd examine why all of us, including you, are going to hell. Let us begin.
1. You're going to hell because in middle school, you made fun of the mentally-handicapped kid who pulled his pants all the way down to pee in the urinal.
2. Hell is your destiny because you were pretty shitty to your first girl friend back in high school and made her cry, like, a lot.
3. Hell, not Heaven, is your final destination because you attended a Limp Bizkit show in the flesh and Stained was their opener, which bumps you down another circle, you demon.
4. Eternal damnation is your fate because you've never been very consistent about lifting the toilet seat before you take a piss. Thanks, ladies.
5. You will never know the glorious embrace of Jesus because you often give your toddler a cell phone to keep him busy, thus condemning him to a life of technological servitude.
6. You're going to hell, boy, because the last time you were in church, you couldn't help but think about boobies.
7. God has forsaken you because you have never repented for all the times you stayed up late to masturbate to Real Sex on HBO, you pervert.
8. Jesus took away your get out of hell free card because you once parked in a handicapped parking space.
9. If you're a Chicago Cubs fan, you are going to hell.
10. If you voted for Donald Trump, you committed a mortal sin and shall never know the pleasures of eternal life, you stupid hillbilly.
11. Remember that one time you got really drunk in a McDonald's parking lot and tried to pull up a bush, and a cop drove past and told you to mind your fucking P's and Q's? Yeah, you're going to hell for that.
12. Are you a Morman? Jew? Muslim? Protestant? Catholic? Straight to hell for you.
13. Have you never watched all seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation? You're banished to the third level of hell, where you'll be accompanied by William Shatner and LeVar Burton. Levar's cool, so it's not all bad, though Shatner never stops talking.
14. Skipping leg day? Jesus don't want no upper body only bros. Have fun in hell's Planet Fitness.
15. Recall all the times you downloaded music illegally through Napster, and later, BitTorrent? You're going to hell for that.
16. Ever pooped your pants? Going to hell.
17. Forgotten someone's birthday? Straight to hell.
18. Listened to a Garth Brooks' record? Hell.
19. Not showered before bed? Hell.
20. Ever missed Jesus's message of love and acceptance because you were too concerned about the sanctity of marriage/lesbian parents/black people/uppity women/ancient religious dogma/the decline of the nuclear family? Oh you? You're going to Heaven. Just kidding, there is no heaven. I'll save a spot in hell for you. Merry Christmas!