Hey look, two assholes.
Good ol' fashioned conservative values are something we constantly hear Republican politicians harping about. If something is bad, then it surely doesn't adhere to the principles of conservatism, which were handed down from God to Ronald Regan at the summit of Mount Rushmore. Accepted as gospel truth by a good portion of the electorate (by good portion, I mean the handful of people who vote in this country), I thought I'd turn a critical eye toward sacred dogma, because it's 4:30 in the morning, and I'm pissed that I'm awake.
Principle # 1: A smaller government is always a better government. I don't think there's any truth to this, and it doesn't make sense if you give it more than a second of thought. America is the third most populous nation on earth; over 326 million people live here. That seems like a whole lot of people to govern! It seems reasonable that you'd need a considerable federal government to deal with a population of that size. Well, maybe they mean that the federal government is too powerful, and more power should be returned to the states. Crazily, it appears that our ancestors fought a long and bloody civil war over that very subject, and the consensus of that war was that federal power supersedes that of the states. In any case, a large state government is required because a lot of people live in the states. There are 39 million people in California, the largest state by population, and 585 thousand in Wyoming, the smallest. That's still a lot of people in Wyoming, though, isn't it? Still, they probably shouldn't get any electoral votes. They're responsible for Dick Cheney, after all. Remember that guy? He was like an evil George Costanza, and he was still better than any of the maliciously useless member of the Trump administration, which is looking more and more like a mentally-challenged version of the Legion of Doom.
Principle # 2: Free-market capitalism is the solution to every problem, ever. Sure, if you are the majority owner of a powerful corporation, then yes, less regulation will probably be good for your business. If you're a small entrepreneur, well, maybe not, because with less regulation, that powerful corporation we were just talking about could easily drive you out of business. If you're a wage slave like most of the population, then free-market capitalism probably isn't helping you out much. Corporate profits have soared over the last decade, while wage growth remains stagnant. You see brain-addled politicians like Rand Paul cling to this tenet like the hem of Marilyn Monroe's dress even in circumstances when it's blatantly obvious that capitalism is failing us, such as our health care system. "Obamacare is socialism! If we let it, the Market will find a way!" screams Paul, even though we allow hospitals to charge patients ridiculous prices which then get passed on to insurance companies, who in turn pass the expense back to the consumer. That's free-market capitalism at work, folks, and that's why your insurance premiums are sky-high and yet you still have to pay a fortune every time you visit the doctor. Really, every time Rand Paul opens his mouth I hope he'll just projectile vomit over anyone he's speaking to, since his words are basically repulsive nonsense at this point. Fuck you, Kentucky! You're also responsible for Mitch McConnell, a failed human-turtle hybrid so riddled with hypocrisy, it's a goddamn miracle he hasn't dropped dead from lying out of his asshole.
Hey, there's old Mitch. What a fucking bitch.
Principle # 3: Christian values are American values, and when we abandon them, we lose our souls. I don't really think Republicans believe this one; they're just pandering to evangelicals, which are a decent portion of their base. I mean, would the party of family values really nominate Donald Trump as their Presidential Candidate? Donald Trump thinks a family is something you evict and then sue until it goes away or dies. He's been married three times, and he had to buy his third wife in some Eastern European country, and it's fucking obvious that he's a shitty husband and she wants to kill him. Getting back to the subject, Christian values are all over the place. You've got denominations that think women shouldn't speak and that homosexuals are an abomination, and then you have Pope Francis, who thinks Trump is a dumb ass and that maybe the Catholic church should like, lighten up a bit or something, man. This country was founded on religious freedom, and the hallowed founders, who've been mythologized by conservatives to the point where they sit on the right hand of God himself next to Christ, insured that America was a secular nation with a clear definition between church and state. So the next time some so-called Christian starts moaning about whatever moral crisis we're apparently suffering through, tell them to shut their ignorant pie-hole and stop shitting all over the Constitution, which currently allows queers, unwed mothers, and atheists just as the founders intended (hah, yeah probably not, but fuck those guys, right?).
Principle # 4: Let the people have all of the gunz! The gun lobby is one of the most powerful in Washington, despite the fact that only 36 percent of Americans own guns. Republicans think that you should have a gun on you when you go to the movie theater, when you attend school, and when you're taking communion at church. Secretary of Education Betsy Devos thinks that we should have armed guards in public schools to shoot bears, for Jesus's sake. Guns are as American as apple pie, type two diabetes, and big, bouncing fake titties. What are the consequences of letting people have all the gunz without requiring any training or reasonable level of vetting? Why, gun violence levels that are 25 percent higher than the average of any other developed country. Every time there's a school shooting, you should call your Republican representative and thank them for not taking all the gunz away. Sure, little kids had to die, but isn't your AR-15 more important? Remember those Christian family values!
I'm part of teh gunz lobby.
Principle # 5: Our god-level military is the only thing keeping us safe in a dangerous world. The United States spends more on defense than the next eight countries combined. Yet Trump thinks our military is weak and wants to jack-up spending by 54 billion. This supports my theory that conservatives are fucking terrified of their own shadow. A lot of people will say "Well, we are a superpower, why shouldn't we spend a ridiculous amount on our military?" I dunno. Look around you, buddy: can you think of any other area where that money might be better spent? I dunno, maybe health care? Public infrastructure? Education? What are our priorities as a country? To be big, dumb, sick, and well-protected? Shit, I answered my own question.
So yeah, I think I'm done here. I'm about to fall asleep in my chair. Hopefully I don't dream of Ronald Regan.