The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews

 The Critic loves his Arnold flicks.

Do you like movies, television, and video games? The Esteemed Critic does, except when he doesn't. Here are his reviews, in no particular order or date, because that would require more work than the Critic is willing to put worth.

Uncut Gems; Damsel; Ricky Stanicky

Chinatown; The Blues Brothers

The Iron Claw; Neighbors; LA Confidential; Foxy Shazam Live

No Hard Feelings; Bob Dylan Live; The Wheel of Time Season 2

Fast Times at Ridgemont High; The Wheel of Time

Heat

Conan The Barbarian

Animal House

The Hangover 

The Menu

Nope; Raimi Spider-Man Trilogy; The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Scream

Blade Runner 2049; Hail, Caesar! 

The Northman; Obi-wan 

Outer Range  

Total Recall; The Green Knight; X; The Wedding Singer

Dune 

Spectre 

The Rise of Skywalker 

The Last Jedi 

The Force Awakens 

Captain America: Civil War; Girls; Dark Souls 3

2016 Described in 5 songs 

Ghostbusters (2016) 

The Avengers: Age of Ultron

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood; Hereditary 

Jurassic World: Dominion

Fifty Shades of Grey 

Under the Skin; The Conspiracy Against the Human Race; Workaholics

Midsommar 

Jurassic World

Batman Versus Superman 

The Hateful Eight 

How I Met Your Mother 

July 4th; Saint's Row; Cultural Degeneracy 

Doom 

A Bunch of Stuff the Critic didn't Really Consume 

The Critic Plays Dark Souls 2 

 Nerd Words; Bulletstorm

The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies 

Father's Day Gifts 

Civ 6; Shadow Warrior 2; Black Mirror 

Dishonored 2 

Godzilla

The Esteemed Critic Reviews The Northman; Obi-wan

 

No, Prince Amleth wasn't involved in the January 6th insurrection.

The Northman, from Robert Eggers, who also did The Witch, is a mostly successful attempt by an arthouse director to do a big-budget action movie. Of course, The Northman is a little too weird and brutal to be a modern day Braveheart; one of its best scenes features a man and a boy lapping up a hallucinogenic stew like wolves while a balding Willem Dafoe eggs them on. There are bizarre visions of Valkyries and Valhalla; a man gets his nose sliced off and children are locked in a building which is then set on fire during a later raid. So yeah, the 800s were no joke. Alexander Skarsgård is a compelling viking price set on revenge for the death of his father at the hands of his uncle. He is not a modern day hero, but a epic protagonist more like Achilles, and therefore somewhat harder to relate to, at least if viewing this movie through a contemporary lens. Like Hamlet without the introspection, Skarsgard's Amleth will stop at nothing to kill his uncle, culminating in an awesome battle surrounded by magma at the gates of Hel. It's a damn shame movies like this hardly ever get made anymore; The Northman cost 90 million dollars to make, and flopped at the box office. I guess the masses love their Marvel movies and recognizable franchises too much. Unfortunately, this results in a Critic who avoids the theater, despite loving the experience of watching a film on the big screen. Regardless of my bitching about the modern cinema, go see The Northman, preferably after indulging in mushrooms while wearing a wolf skin cape for the most authentic experience.

Come at me, bro.

Obi-wan Kenobi is the latest Star Wars series in the endless procession of Star Wars content. Anyone looking for something creative should look elsewhere, since the muddled reception of The Last Jedi killed the prospect of Disney ever letting a talented director get anywhere near Star Wars with carte blanche. Obi-wan is cheap-looking and poorly choreographed, resembling almost a fan film with some expensive CGI. Episode 4 is completely recycled from the Fallen Order video game, which is insane, considering Disney's everything is canon approach. Still, the cheapness is enduring, and Ewan McGregor is given a chance to do something with his character, as opposed to his facelessness in the prequel trilogy. Basically, Obi-wan follows the same arc as Luke did in the Last Jedi, except instead of a cop-out battle that pissed off fan boys, we are rewarded with a ridiculously overwrought Darth Vader fight that borders on the excessiveness of Revenge of the Sith. Of course there was no need for an Obi-wan show, yet it surely isn't the most awful Star Wars I've ever viewed, which counts for something, and my six year old did enjoy it. And that's about all I have to say about Obi-wan. It's purely filler entertainment, content meant to be viewed and never reflected upon again. If that sounds good to you, then check it out on Disney+.

 

Conan Brothers Q&A

NearSightedJabroni asks "How are you guys getting by? Inflation is out of control, gas prices are skyrocketing, and the government is doing nothing!

Dave: Yeah, this isn't the best time to invest in crypto.

Arnold: Tell me you cashed out.

Dave: Hold! You hold until they pry the imaginary money out of your cold, dead fingers!

Arnold: Meat prices have increased substantially, which is a concern for any red-blooded weightlifter, however, I've been trying to cut back on my animal consumption for the good of the planet. I've noticed that other healthy food like fruits and vegetables haven't become less affordable, so that's good. It's the Doritos and Oreos that are breaking the bank.

Dave: Are you saying that inflation might force Americans to eat healthier?

Arnold: Maybe? Fuck I don't know. Demand has to crater for everything to return to normal. Unfortunately, there's so much pent-up demand from the pandemic that the supply chain is still taking years to recover. I feel that this is a simple fact that most Americans seem oblivious of.

Dave: Naw, there's a gas price lever in the White House and Biden has it to the max, just because he hates us.

Arnold: He's certainly been pretty unlucky politically. People blame the guy in power when things go to hell.

Dave: Considering the fascist turn the Republican party has pulled, you don't have me very optimistic for the future.

Arnold: I'm sure it'll be all sunshine and lollipops.

...

LazyDave asks "Is the Juggernaut AI app worth it?"

Dave: Well, fellow Dave, that depends.

Arnold: Can you write out a block periodization plan, accounting for good and bad days, while also fleshing out your training with plenty of hypertrophy movements? Because that's all the "AI" is doing. However, I like the app quite a bit, even if it's expensive at 35 dollars a month. I don't have to keep a spread sheet. If I'm having a tough time with the volume, I can work at the lower end of the suggested weight range. It does take a lot of the thinking out of training, which is welcome. Done pretty good so far on it. Deadlifted 425 for 4, benched 255 for 5, squatted 325 for 5. First tied a PR, second was five pounds off of one, third was 35 pounds off. I'm not super hyped about my squat right now.

Dave: If you want to save money, just download a block periodization sheet.

Arnold: The huge library of accessory lifts with accompanying videos is a great reference that needs mentioning.

Dave: I have Arnold's Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding under my bed if I ever need to look up an exercise.

Arnold: Fair point.

VideoIdiot asks "Have you guys played the Outer Wilds?"

Dave: I played the Outer Worlds and it was lazy Obsidian.

Arnold: No, the Outer Wilds, Dave. Completely different game set in space.

Dave: That would make it similar, not completely different.

Arnold: Superficially. Outer Wilds is an indie game about space exploration, not an RPG. It's somewhat similar to Subnautica, in that it's a nonviolent game that's constantly introducing the player to amazing worlds.

Dave: First time falling through the black hole in the center of Brittle Hollow is pretty cool. Or having a tornado in Giant's Deep fling your ass into space and then back again.

Arnold: Through alien sorcery, you have 22 minutes to explore the solar system before the sun supernovas and everything is reset except for your ship's log.

Dave: I want to contrast Outer Wilds' imaginative planets with what we just saw of Starfield at the X Box presentation.

Arnold: Bethesda showed us a rocky moonscape that could've came from Fallout. Pretty underwhelming.

Dave: Bethesda is the most known quantity in gaming. They've been making the same game since Oblivion. Anyone expecting the creativity of Outer Wilds is delusional.

Arnold: Anyway, play Outer Wilds. It's great.

The Esteemed Critic Reviews Outer Range

 

Outer Range is the most Lynchian show that I've ever seen that wasn't made by David Lynch. It involves many of his stylistic hallmarks: awkward juxtapositioning of the fantastical with the banal; smaltzy corn mixed with brutality; folksy setting that's filled with eccentrics. How it all makes you feel is more important than whether or not the plot is comprehensible or whether you get the answers you're looking for. Josh Brolin plays a very Josh Brolin character in Royal Abbot, a ranch owner in rural Wyoming who discovers an abyss in his west pasture. Royal is a man of secrets who takes matters into his own hands; in short, a typical Western protagonist. The most compelling character is Autumn, a young hippie drifter who convinces Royal to let her squat on his land, a decision he quickly comes to regret. Played by Imogen Poots, she's a fantastic mix of the charismatic and the insane, and she makes you believe everything you see her character do. Really, the cast is fantastic, with Lily Taylor, Tom Pelphrey, and Will Patton all putting in memorable performances. There are twists and turns aplenty, and while some are predictable, others deliver the appropriate jolt of adrenaline. Really, I got invested in this show, and some episodes got my heart rate going, which is why I found it interesting that the internet reception seems mixed. Come on people, stop watching Marvel bullshit and search out Eraserhead or Mulholland Drive! Admittedly, some of the Lynchian influence was distracting rather than properly weird. Watching Noah Reid's Billy Tillerson belt out a sensitive ballad in Garth Brooks regalia during his brother's funeral received the appropriate chuckle, whereas watching the same character and Autumn make out like strange lizard people did not. And really, people, where was the fucking Mastodon that was alluded to? Don't disappoint a critic like that. The finale leaves many threads hanging while still resolving enough that I felt satisfied. Royal is a man whose secrets and bravado destroyed his family, and only at the very end does he understand this. Part of me yearns for a season two while the other half thinks that one very good season of television is enough. The Critic gives Outer Range four ding dongs to your five. Watch it on Prime if you like weird Westerns and surrealist corn.

Video Game Review: Assassin's Creed Odyssey, 30 hours in

 

Even four years after its release, AC:Odyssey is still a beautiful game.

AC: Odyssey is a beautiful grind. Its meticulously realized Greek world is simply fun to explore, even if the map is crowded with thousands of question marks that pull and tug on your attention span. Ubisoft has a formula, and they're sticking to it. Like any Assassin's Creed or Far Cry game, you'll have forts/outposts to take out, vantage points to climb, and a ridiculous amount of side quests to discover. Honestly, playing an Ubisoft game feels like it was designed to trigger one's ADHD. Considering that a completionist playthrough of AC: Odyssey would likely take me well over one-hundred hours, I've focused on just completing the main quest. Quests are level-gated, however, so you'll still have to do a few side quests, and they're pretty good, usually involving some task to complete before Alexios (or Cassandra) is rewarded with the info they seek about their quest to discover their family origins and stop the Cult of Kosmos. Quite hilariously, the modern day side plot involving descendants of famous assassins accessing their ancestor's memories is minimized to the point that I've only encountered one brief section in nearly thirty hours of play. The AC series has basically transformed into loose historical mercenary simulators. AC: Odyssey is even an RPG, which three different skill trees to choose (ranged, meele, assassin) and limited character role-playing through dialogue. It seems as though the Witcher 3 heavily influenced AC: Odyssey's development, although I could be wrong, since I haven't played any Assassin's Creed games since AC 2. I actually like the combat a bit better than the Witcher 3; there's a parry function that's really easy to trigger, and the melee abilities like Bull Rush and Spartan Kick are fun to utilize. Alexios is also a world-class free climber, and able to vault up any surface, allowing you to climb beautiful monuments as well as mountain sides. So gameplay consists of combat and exploration, scratching that open world Skyrim itch that every triple-A game since Bethesda's classic has been trying to satisfy. It's fun entertainment that's just a little too big to be properly satiating, since any narrative pacing is thrown out the window when there's a million quests vying for your attention. It's puzzling that so many games stretch themselves to simply preposterous lengths when most players won't see fifty percent of the content, if that. I've already completed two lengthy titles this year (God of War and Cyberpunk) as well as one twenty-hour experience (Guardians of the Galaxy), and I think that forty hours is really the maximum a single player game should shoot for. Even Red Dead Redemption 2, with its ridiculous production values and excellent story, felt bloated at 90 hours. If you can't write the next Red Dead, then you probably shouldn't try to aim for a 60 hour plus run time. Anyway, I'm likely to finish Odyssey, but I'm hesitant to play another AC game without a little more variety in the Ubisoft formula. Check out some screenshots below: