Monday, May 15, 2017

Hanging with the Goon

Tahts waht Im askin'.

Howdy folks, its yur favorit internet hellbilly deluxe here, teh world-famous Goon, of internet fame and general renown. Im back to tell you all a little 'bout wahts goin' on in my life, as well as to share seome of my contemplation of world events and stuff. Im plaesed to report taht teh orchard has set a full crop, an ol' Hernando and I are a gearin' up for a huge harvest. Sam is already countin' teh money in his poeckts, as though it were already thair an' burnin' a hole in 'em. Wit all teh cash I'm a gonna make, I think I'll buy a hot tub to put ourside teh trailer. I'll fill it wit crick water an throw fire in it to get it all warm so I wont have to pay money to teh electric man in teh sky. Wit my hot tub fully functionin', all teh neighborhood ladies will flock to my place an' I will be absolutely drownin' in teh puss, taht is, long as I can hide Slack somewhere so he don't abduct anyone, so maybe back in jail wud be a nice place fer him in teh futures.

Speakin of teh futures, waht is goin' on wit Supreme Leader Drumpf? Ever morn, he is up on teh tree tweeting liek a bird 'bout Fake News an' teh enemies of teh state. Teh cokecane taht tehy have in teh Opal Office must be mighty good, 'cause I can't understand nothin' he says, and not much gets past teh Goon, you know. Tehy say he fired teh FBI Director an' made 'em plege loyalty to teh Supreme Leader so taht he couldn't testify in court taht Drumpf pooped on a prostitute in MOscow while Putin an Red Skull were watchin, or somethin' to taht effect. I worry 'bout tah Supreme Leader. I think he might be playin' golf too hard, or somethin'.

Evertime I try to bring up Polik wit Sam, he always tells me to shut up an watch teh Foxy News 'cuz they always tell teh truth faeire an balanced. Tehy do has some perty ladies on teh Foxy News thoughh I herd taht BIll O'Riley tried to eat 'em all an tahts why they had to put his head in a box an' throw 'em outta his limo liek a bum on teh rocks. Its all right, Bill: teh ol' Goon has been thrown outta a movin' car or two in his day. U just pick yerself up, dust yerself off, an go rob a licour store. Tahts waht my daddy taught me anyways.

Sometiems I wunder waht good all dis modern tecnoology is good fer. People can get trapped in tehre echo boxes and all tehy hear is teh sound of thair own voices, well, taht an a dull ringin' that I can't not never unhear. Maybe we will has a J-Had an all teh robots will be destroyed like IN Dune and taht Kaswhats Hederatz will set us on teh GOlden Path liek in teh movies. Ever night tahts what I pray fer. I sure hope somebody is listen. Hopefully he is a giant Sandwurm.



Saturday, May 6, 2017

Rejected Provisions from the AHCA

Jesus Christ, he's a douchebag.

You may have heard that Republicans pushed a repeal and replace of Obamacare through the House recently called the American Health Care Act (secretly known in Republican circles as "the fuckening"). That's not good news for a lot of people, particularly if you're a woman or not a rich person. It could've been worse, though. Pointless Venture has the scoop on rejected provisions from the AHCA:

Originally, if you were a woman asking your insurer about maternal benefits, a giant fist would've materialized out of the phone and punched you in the face.

In the first version of the AHCA, anyone making 30,000 a year or less would have had to serve as the personal butler of the closest WASP, given a fifty mile radius, for three months or more in order to receive health insurance premiums under 300 dollars a month.

Anyone currently on Obamacare would've had to report to the courthouse to be branded as a communist and/or failure for life.

You would have received a tax credit for being sterilized, provided your net earnings were under 25,000 a year.

Upon denying coverage, insurers would've been required to bring up either god, guns, or abortion.

All claims could be rejected, provided the claimant was a woman/transgender/liberal/fan of the tv series Girls.

Paul Ryan would've gotten a kick back from every P90X package sold.

Ted Nugent fans would've been rewarded with a venereal disease of their choice upon every doctor's visit (they consider this a reward).

Before picking up medicine at your local pharmacy, the customer would've had to pledge loyalty to Supreme Leader Donald Trump.

Any woman seeking abortion was captured and processed by a private police force, where she would be forced to carry the child to term so that said child could serve as an indentured servant to Trump supporters making over 100,000 a year.

People could chip away at their gigantic medical debt by volunteering to build Trump's wall.

Preexisting conditions included not voting Republican, being under an 8 on the classic 1 to 10 hotness scale (females only), and spreading atheism. Essential benefits can suck it!

Before committing euthanasia, people suffering with expensive conditions would have been able to pick an heir to receive a tax credit for their suicide.

You would've gotten a tax credit for being white, male, and possessing an IQ under 90.

You would've gotten a tax credit for having insurance.

You would've gotten a tax credit for not having insurance.