Sunday, April 12, 2015

John Kruc's Guide to Becoming an Eating Champion


This is former Phillies slugger and current chili dog eating champion John Kruk here to show you all how to put away hotdogs likes a Taiwanese boy-girl puts away man-meat. Maybe some day you'll get to sit in the ESPN booth with me and Curt Shilling and talk about how Mr. Bloody Sox can't pleasure his wife, hah. I know I'd sure as hell like to discuss hotdogs with Kobayashi but he currently has a restraining order against me. Competitive eating is the oldest sport and here are some tips I've learned the hard way, that is, by eating tons and tons of hotdogs over the years.

Number one would be to eat as much as you can every day, and this is the creed I've lived by, folks, my entire life. I never would've managed a career batting average of .300 had I not consumed four Philly cheese steaks minimum daily every day of my major league career. They're good for you! Don't listen to your doctor, they're all quacks who want to take the fun out of life. So what if I only live to be fifty-two. Life is nothing but pain and suffering. You might as well eat while you can.

Eat like this:

Breakfast: Two pop tarts, a bowl of cereal, three eggs, four pieces of bacon, a yogurt, maybe a case of donuts or two.

First lunch: Four Philly cheese steaks, two cans of Coke, maybe a small baby or three.

Second lunch: Garbage out of the dumpster (hah), a bag of sugar, a chocolate pie, a can of lard, any small animals you can get your hands around.

Supper: Jose Altuve (little bastard's fast), a case of beer, squirrel guts, a thousand communion wafers, a chuck of bread, a ham hock, a bunch of wieners.

Dinner: Poop (hah), another case of beer, cookies, your wife, maybe some peanuts or cracker jacks.

Bedtime snack: Ten chili dogs, somebody's butthole, Wendy's chili

Tip number two would be don't give a rat's ass what you look like. One time, this lady came up to me while I was putting away hotdogs and said "Aren't you supposed to be an athlete?" I said "No, bitch, I'm a baseball player," and then I puked in her face. My wife hasn't had sex with me for ten years because I can't see my penis. Whatever. I just eat and eat.

Tip number three would be to go fuck yourself.

Prince Fielder is the current baseball eating champion, and he destroys toilets like Godzilla.

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