Doom Eternal: The Ancient Gods Part 2 Review

 

Ancient Gods Part 2 is a disappointment. It's certainly not bad, and the difficulty curve is a little gentler than Ancient Gods Part 1, but as a finale to Doom Eternal, it's too short, with a frustrating final boss. Now, I've beaten Eternal on Nightmare, including all of the Slayer Gates, as well as Ancient Gods Part 1 on Ultra Violence. The fucking Dark Lord, however, is just too much for me, at least after about two hours, so I finally lowered the difficulty to Hurt Me Plenty and managed to take him out. He's basically a Marauder, which isn't too bad, but he also has five health bars, and every time he damages you, he heals. Oh yeah, he also spawns monsters constantly during the later stages of the fight. The only time you can damage the Dark Lord is when his eyes flash green, which happens much less often than you would think. One wrong move, and several minutes of gameplay, in which you patiently baited the son of a bitch to attack, goes down the drain. It's a slog, much more so than the Icon of Sin, Khan Makyr, or even Samur. I'm not a fan of games that have contempt for your time, and as much as I love Doom Eternal, I think Hugo Martin and crew have made a few misstep in their handling of the franchise. They've doubled-down on the difficulty, on making the game tactical and fast, but in the process they've abandoned the tonal constancy of Doom 2016 and embraced a Saturday morning cartoon vibe that's about as captivating as, well, a Saturday morning cartoon. The Dark Lord is a big muscly dude that looks exactly like the Slayer, only he's in a mech suit stolen from Warhammer 40k. You kill him, all the demons disappear, and you get put back into a box by the alien robot angels. The end. I dunno, it's very unsatisfying. I didn't give a flying shit about the story in Doom Eternal, but I expected something epic, like maybe a fight in a mech suit against a titan demon, for example, or a really far-out trip through hell, but Immora, the game's final stage, is just a generic dark fantasy sci-fi city. Hell, Doom 3 did a lot of things poorly, but its trip to hell was better than what we get in Ancient Gods Part 2.

I think one of the reasons that I love Eternal's gameplay is that it's influenced by Quake 3 and Unreal Tournament, with its focus on speed, weapon switching, and movement gymnastics. It's an engrossing combination, and nothing beats blowing the turret off an arachnotron's back, pivoting to blood punch a hell knight into oblivion, and then flying through the air to light a mancubus on fire before blowing it to pieces with the supershotgun and ballista. That said, everything else in Eternal--the cartoony monkey bars, the abandonment of the environment as a realistic place, the green bobbing extra lives, the shit generic fantasy story--isn't great. I think that's why there's a real divergence in opinion regarding Eternal between the hardcore base and the casual gamer. The casual prefers the more grounded and less artificial experience of Doom 2016, whereas the git good gamer loves the brutality of Eternal's demanding gameplay. I can relate to both, and I doubt that Ancient Gods Part 2 will satisfy anyone.

The Greatest Visitor Comments in Pointless Venture's History

 

My audience, presumably.

Pointless Venture doesn't have much of an audience. We get about 500 to 1000 visits a month, and most of those are people accidentally stumbling upon the site while looking for dinosaur porn or tips on how to get your Stacy back from a Tyrone. Still, we get some good comments from those stragglers, and I'd thought I'd rank them because why the fuck not?

Numero Uno: "Came across this in 2020. Hope you got covid and died, pointless blogger." From Mike, in reference to this post I wrote ripping conservative dickhead and former Red Sox's pitcher Curt Schilling. Jesus, Mike, it seems I really hit a nerve. When I said that Curt Schilling believes that using only 10 percent of his brain will get him into an exclusive heaven club where he can molest angels and eat cheese coneys with his bare feet, did I offend you? Well if I did, then fuck you! Seriously though, this made me laugh. Joke's on you Mike: I have not yet gotten Covid and died. Crossing my fingers, though.

Numero Dos: "I love you Johnny! I loved you as a player and I love you as a commentator. You’re the best!" From Shira Sand, in reference to this article about former Philly outfielder John Kruk's advanced tips on competitive eating. I like to think that Shira really believed that John Kruk wrote for Pointless Venture, and that one of his advanced eating tips is to "stuff a bunch of junk into a cup and time myself as I dig in." If it sounds true, it's gotta be, right? Keep on believing, Shira. John will knock off Kobayashi one of these days.

Numero Tres: "Nate, I agree with most of what you said here, but I wanted to point out a flaw in your analysis of your second point. The problem with Luke's turn isn't his "moment" of weakness, it's his determination that Ben Solo was irredeemable prior to that. The farm boy that gave DARTH VADER three movies worth of credit and was willing to die for it at the hands of Palpatine decided that Ben Solo, his nephew, was irredeemably turned so much so that he was stalking through his room at night watching him sleep with a lightsaber drawn. That is what is problematic about Luke's turn. It was hardly a "moment of weakness". Otherwise, most of the other complaints I've seen center around the contrivance that Holdo didn't inform anyone about her plan. Specifically not Poe. Had she done so, she prevents the entire conflict -- specifically the 100% unnecessary Prequel-esque casino scenes (which, even in a decent movie, accounted for its low points). Those two criticisms: Luke's predetermination of Ben Solo's wickedness and the plot contrivance that Holdo keeps the escape plan a big secret, I think, are worthy criticisms of an otherwise great film. My son (he's 8) literally gasped when Kylo killed Snoke. That's who this movie was for... not the theorycrafters. Good work, buddy. I hope you're well." From Unknown, commenting on my defense of the Last Jedi. This is the kind of comment we like to see here at Pointless Venture. You hear that, Ad Bot? If you're not hoping that I die from a deadly disease, then at least have the decency to critique my posts and wish me well. Thank you, Unknown. You're a decent internet person.

Numero Quatro: "Nice article dude. But everyone knows lifting legs is a waste of time. Your best gains come from doing low weight / high rep bicep curls 1 week before Spring Break." From Kalif, responding to my post on Squatting Every Day: Fifty Days In. Kalif is totally right here. High rep biceps curls are the shit for keeping your elbows healthy, as well as impressing the girls/boys on spring break, which is the only reason I lift weights.

Numero Cinco: "oh god. all speeches are now limited to either a thumbs up or thumbs down, with thumbs up being mandatory." From Unknown, posting on my guide to writing a best man speech. Well, Unknown, you've given yourself away, at least in this instance. I did a good job on that speech! Sure, your brother in law stole my thunder with his silly song, but it was a good wedding. Someday you may speak to me again.

Numero Seis: "BEST ADULT DATING SITE HORNY EBONY FEMALES HORNY COUGARS HORNY AMATEUR FEMALES GIRLS HOOKUP GAY HOOKUP SITE VIEW GIRL CAMS" From seanjames172, commenting on an entry in the Select Farmers Only series. Need I say more? That's everything I like in one easy link!

Resident Evil 3 Remake Review

 

As someone who has never played a Resident Evil game, Resident Evil 3 is pretty good. It's short (Steam says I've played it for 7.6 hours) but there ain't no fluff, and that lack of filler is a rare thing nowadays, considering every big budget game promises well over twenty hours just to complete the campaign. I'm not one of those gamers who enjoys ticking off every single check point on the map; sure, I did it for the Witcher 3, but very few games are able to maintain the Witcher's level of quality after sixty plus hours (Cyberpunk 2077 apparently failed in that regard). So if a survival zombie action game thrills me while only taking about a week or two to play (I game about 40 minutes to an hour five days a week roughly), that's great. That being said, I think RE 3 would have benefited from some expanded sections. The opening stage in downtown Raccoon city begs for more areas to explore. Still, the relative brevity of RE 3 improves its schlocky narrative (it's good schlock, though) because it really feels like Jill Valentine and Carlos (your two player characters) are in a race against time. There's no fiddling around collecting cosmetic items or beating frivolous challenges; this is a story-driven action game, with a big game zombie called Nemesis frequently poking his hideous head into your business like a classic horror villain who just refuses to die. I do think he loses some of his effectiveness after he mutates into a bestial fleshy xenomorph, but he's a constant presence, although you'll always know when he's about to drop, due to the level design opening up and filler enemies clearing out (with the one exception of the downtown stage). An impressive amount of terrible creatures are out to eat Jill (and Carlos), including nasty rape spiders that ram parasites down Jill's throat (gee, I wonder where they cribbed that trope?) and pale naked zombies that resemble the monster from Pan's Labyrinth. Jill, a former Raccoon City cop who's on the run from Nemesis, looks almost lifelike; indeed, it's more than a little disturbing to watch her get thrown and beaten by the aforementioned beasties. We're approaching real-life fidelity in games, and certain questions are raised when your abused protagonist actually resembles a living human being and not a bunch of pixels. So is RE 3 torture porn? I don't think so, but Carlos, a hunky special ops soldier with ridiculous hair, never gets a mutant proboscis shoved down his throat. All that being said, RE 3's mix of bullet scrounging, awkward controls (both Jill and Carlos move like they're drunk), and light puzzle solving makes a tense, tight action game that I recommend, if you can get it for about twenty or thirty bucks. Apparently, this is a much condensed remake, and several sections were cut from the original game, but if you care about that, then you probably know already whether or not this game is for you.

Conan Brothers Q&A

 

PoliticalJunkie asks "Did the Dems do enough with the stimulus?"

Dave: What do you mean enough?

Arnold: A 2 trillion dollars stimulus package was way, way more than we were going to get if Mitch "I'm a fucking piece of shit" McConnell was majority leader. That being said, I wish they had raised the minimum wage to 15 dollars an hour. That would have impacted so many people's lives, regardless of how popular or unpopular the public viewed it.

Dave: We're at the point where one political party (the Democracts) wants to have a functional government, and the other party (the Republicans) is completely against governance, as well as democracy. Fuck, the stakes are almost too high to nitpick, am I right?

Arnold: In addition to the 1400 dollar checks, the stimulus included an increase in the child tax credit from 2000 to 3600, an increase in the Earned Income Credit for unmarried people, and additional fund to help people purchase healthcare in state that did not op into the Medicaid expansion. All that's pretty progressive, so yeah, I guess they did enough, or rather, they did as much as they could, considering that their caucus includes Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema, both of whom are better than Republicans, in that they actually vote to improve people's lives occasionally, but still suck.

Dave: Get as much done as possible, because God knows what'll happen in two years.

...

WorkoutBob asks "What are you doing in the gym nowadays?"

Dave: Making stones out of concrete.

Arnold: I'm doing a four day straight schedule, where I workout Friday (Bench, Rows, Squats), Saturday (Press, Deadlift), Sunday (Bench, Squat), and Monday (Press, Bench). Then I take three days off. I feel like I recover better this way, so that I'm ready to smash weights during the weekend.

Dave: A lot of people would say that schedule is asinine.

Arnold: Well, if you want to do some 5/3/1 variation, by all means, go ahead. That shit has never done much for me. What tends to work is whatever I personally figure out. Nobody else has my body and life, you know what I'm saying?

Dave: Nobody knows what you are saying.

...

DegenerationX asks "What are you degenerates playing on your PCs?"

Dave: Quake.

Arnold: Quake doesn't hold up quite as well as Doom. The levels are smaller, the color palette is brown, and the weapons aren't quite as satisfying. That being said, I really dig Trent Reznor's soundtrack. The whole thing is definitely a mood piece.

Dave: Also, Resident Evil 3 remake.

Arnold: Yeah, I've never played a Resident Evil game, and I'm liking this one. The controls suck, but I guess that's a series staple? I've run out of ammo a few times and been generally frightened. It's a fine old time, I guess.

Dave: You like playing a character with a rocking behind.

Arnold: Yeah, Carlos does have some nice cheeks. And the hair, man. What great hair.

Dave: You're a real funny guy.

Arnold: The funniest.

New Music: Strychnine

Thought I'd make this the year of covers, since it's kind of fun picking through my influences and finding songs that I think I can do well. This isn't a drastic departure like Gimme Gimme Gimme; I stick to the original, though I didn't put in keys or a sax like the Sonic's version. Still, it rocks pretty well. 

Albums that Made Me: Apollo Atmospheres and Soundtracks

 

Ambient music is a slithering mood, settling in like the effects of a cool alcoholic beverage. Content to run in the background, it rewards close attention but doesn't demand it. I find ambient music essential for writing, particularly the work of the father of the genre, Brian Eno. Apollo Atmospheres and Soundtracks is an alien lullaby, oddly comforting in its flow of strange sounds, captivating when you bother to consciously listen to it. The first track "Under Stars," is my favorite. A low mechanistic undertone begins the composition while sinewy bass lines and ethereal synths fade in and out like meteorites burning up in the atmosphere. "The Secret Place" also has a rumbling bass presence. Odd noises come and go like sounds traveling through the hull of a spaceship. "Matta" has what sounds like a distorted cow mooing throughout its eerie soundscape. "An Ending (Ascent)" is heavenly exultation, almost wedding music, while "Deep Blue Day" resembles a surreal acid trip to the moon, its good time vibes courtesy of Daniel Lanois' peddle steel guitar loops. I prefer the initial spacemusic to the more mellow and melodic second half, but it's hard to deny the beauty of "Always Returning." A constant in my playlist, Apollo Atmospheres is a great album, whether you're actively listening to it or not.