Albums that Made Me: Exile on Main Street

 Exile on Main Street is my candidate for greatest rock 'n' roll record of all time. It is in essence a tour of American music, from the barn burning rock of "Rip this Joint" to the country crawl of "Sweet Virginia," with several stops at jute joints ("Shake Your Hips"/"Casino Boogie,") and even a few Sunday sojourns to church ("Sweet Black Angel"/"I Just Want to See His Face,"). Every attractive quality the Stones' possessed, from their loose, bar band groove, to their cynical bite is present throughout the twenty-one tracks. This is music that you can contemplate, but it's also music that you can dance to! Did you know that rock 'n' roll started out as dance music? Crazy to think about in this day in age, when "Rock" primarily means distorted guitars and angsty vocals, or lifeless indie melancholia. My favorite track is "Happy," Keith Richards' signature tune, a great ode to the carefree rock 'n' roll lifestyle. "Tumbling Dice," was the other big pop hit, and the only track to regularly get airplay on classic rock radio. It's a great showcase of Keith's "ancient art of weaving" guitar style, but the groove of that song is what really makes it memorable. Exile on Main Street is one of those albums that you can put on at any time and enjoy. I used to have a scratched burned CD that usually only played the first half or so in my PT Cruiser. It's likely still there, alongside various NIN albums and other similarly damaged bootleg music. If you play it in your car, then it's good music.  

What Are You Worried About?

You worried? Stress keeping you up at night? Can you not let go of the little banalities of life? Just let go, brother.

Sure, there's a pandemic loose. Many are unemployed. A lot of people can't pay the bills. Apparently there's going to be a meat shortage, which really worries me. Gonna lose my gainz if I don't get the appropriate amount of protein. First world problems, amirite? Is America a first world country? Does that mean anything any more?

Like, what does anything mean, brother? That's what I'm getting at when I say cease your useless anxiety. Anxiety might come in handy when you're prowling through a darkened forest. It keeps you from becoming complacent, because complacency in wild times means you have a good chance of becoming leopard food. Anxiety ain't great in the modern world, though. It doesn't help when you're confined to your house with nothing to do but binge on modern comforts. Believe it or not, I do get tired of playing video games and watching television. I think we all do. Man was made for more.

Coming back to that meat shortage, do you think it will last long?

Some of us have been in a constant state of anxiety for four years. Just thinking about the Orange Menace and how static his poll numbers are causes a tightness to grip my chest. What about another term? How great will America be in 2024? I dunno but we're going to get through this. Or we won't.

If an asteroid were hurtling toward the earth and there was nothing you could do about it (which there wouldn't be), would you be worried about it? Of course, right? I think about half the country would deny asteroids are even a thing. I don't want to deny reality, but I see their point, I guess. Stupidity is bliss. A dog is stupidly blissful right before it is hit by a car. A dog cannot contemplate its own demise. There are a lot of advantages human beings have over dogs. There are a few dogs have over humans.

It is possible that you might die of coronavirus. You can die of anything at any moment. America is a country obsessed with youth and in denial about death. We inject ourselves with botox and have plastic surgery. We tuck the old away in nursing homes. We hand off the bodies of our loved ones to strangers so that they can make their mortal remains into wax caricatures of what they were.

Perhaps this denial of death contributes to our anxieties. We know too much or not enough. I for one shall be imbibing a little bit more intoxicating beverages. I'll be letting my mind wander over hobbies or useless minutiae. I'll be washing my hands, but I'll try not to let the looming meat shortage keep me up at night. I advise we all do the same.

Metro Exodus Review

The Caspian sun.

Metro Exodus is the third entry in the Metro series developed by Ukrainian developer 4A Games. These titles are set in a post-apocalpytic Moscow crawling with mutants and strange factions. As protagonist Arytom, you're not a superhero, nor are you engaging in the standard FPS power fantasy. Bullets are scarce; much of the surface air is toxic, so you have to budget your filters for your gas mask, which can be damaged. You are equipped with a hand pump flashlight that even on maximum charge provides little light in the pitch-black metro. These games are loaded with atmosphere; even some of the standard tropes of the genre are fresher due to the incredible artistry and graphical fidelity of Exodus. Instead of lingering in the metro, this time Arytom and his gang of special ops soldiers find themselves on a bullet train speeding through the dilapidated countryside, having just discovered that life continues past the nuclear wastes of Moscow. This is a solo journey, however; your buddies are there just for a little flavor. And that's fine. Exodus isn't quite an open world game, but you are given more freedom than ever before. You start your journey in the swamps of the Volga, surrounded by religious zealots who worship a giant, mutant catfish. From there you continue to the Caspian deserts, where you battle sand-colored mutants and raiders lifted from Mad Max. The forested Taiga was my favorite biome, with its Slavic forests and homicidal bear. The final sequence is in Novosibirsk, called the Dead City, an incredibly creepy bombed out waste populated by ghosts and blind, psychic gorillas. Sounds pretty wild, eh? There is also a section in Novosibirsk where you have to paddle a boat through an underground canal infested with twenty foot long leaches which had me squirming in my seat.

 The City of the Dead.

This isn't a game like Doom or Half-Life that feels good to play. Moving is awkward for Arytom, since he's a soldier weighed down by a heavy pack. Guns are modifiable but have realistic recoil. Even on normal difficulty, Arytom goes down after a couple of bullets. There's quite a few instances where control is taken away from the player, which I normally hate, but it's not abused too often. Sometimes you'll have a QTE if a monster jumps on you. There's some general wonkiness. The game crashed several times. I even had my computer power down automatically, which I initially blamed on Metro, but I've had a few stability issues that are either power supply or cooling related, so I don't think Exodus will blow up your PC. It's a great single player shooter, one of the best I've played in a while. You can check it out on Epic Games store or Microsoft Game Pass.

More screenshots for your viewing pleasure:

Conan Brothers Q&A

PandemicBlues asks "How is quarantine going for you guys? Or are you part of the population that thinks the Coronavirus is a hoax?"

Dave: I believe in science.

Arnold: Bro science, in particular.

Dave: Bro science has its merits in real science. It's group knowledge passed down from people who have experimented. Sure, it might not followed the scientific method point for point, but it's not nonsense.

Arnold: You gotta eat protein twenty minutes after you workout or your gains go poof.

Dave: You have to supinate your hand for maximum biceps contraction.

Arnold: If you don't wear the same leopard print thong in the gym every single day, you can't squat for shit.

Dave: To answer the question, our quarantine is going swell. We don't really leave the house much anyways. Our basement is our laboratory, so the gyms being closed doesn't affect us. We have porn. Arnold has a blowup doll that is almost as much of a real person as he is.

Arnold: We also always wear bandanas over our faces in public, so yeah, nothing's changed. Shit is a bit surreal, though, ain't it? Not a lot of people in the street. Masks on about ten percent of the public. Toilet paper shortages.

Dave: I can't believe we're still having trouble getting TP.

Arnold: At some point, you gotta have enough, right? Oh wait, I just realized something.

Dave: What?

Arnold: Assholes can never have enough toilet paper.

...

GamerBob asks "What are you guys playing? The whole world is gaming right now."

Arnold: Metro Exodus, when it's not crashing our computer.

Dave: We just built a new system, and the other night it powered off by itself while playing Metro. I thought for sure that the power supply or motherboard had burned out, but it booted right back up. This fucking game, man. If it wasn't so good, I'd uninstall it before it actually caused the computer to explode.

Arnold: We got a three month subscription to X Box Game Pass from AMD when we built our new PC. It has a pretty good selection, probably worth the 10 bucks they ask if you play a lot of games.

Metro is gorgeous. Well, not the actual metro, but when they let you outside.

Dave: I've been playing Rise of the Tomb Raider, but the plot is so cliche, and it's such a standard third person action game that I'm thinking of ditching it.

Arnold: Was it the Gears of War influence that turned Lara Croft into a homicidal maniac? I remember playing the original Tomb Raider, and I think you fight maybe three humans all game. Most of the time, Lara gunned down endangered species and mutants.

Dave: The big, blockbuster single player/open world game is like its own genre. Think Assassin's Creed, Tomb Raider, maybe even Witcher 3 and Jedi: Fallen Order. They're all sorta RPGs, though not to the extent of say, Divinity 2. The controls will be the same. Your character can platform. You might have to make a few choices. There will be blood.

Arnold: We're not complaining. I like most of those games. It does seem as though they're all designed from the same document.

Dave: It's called "accessibility." Present the familiar in a slightly different package and watch as it sells.

Arnold: Then how come my fantasy novel never took off?

Dave: You didn't sleep with enough people in the business, and now you'll never get another chance to be close to another living person.

Arnold: Thanks a lot, coronavirus. I think it's appropriately named. Corona is a shit beer.

New Music: Pandemic Blues

I put this song together last night, using Reason Essentials almost entirely. The guitar is recorded straight into the preamp sans amp. The vocals were the only tracks miked, and then I ran them through Reason's Scream 4 distortion pedal and added reverb. Making music these days is crazy, ain't it? There's no need for a drummer, a piano player, a 1000 dollar organ. Of course, I'd love to have all of those things. Anyways, this is my contribution to the time we are living in. May it run its course.

Bad Poetry: The Loop

The Loop

You wake up

Drink your coffee

Turn on the computer

Click on the same web sites

Check the weather

Check the time

Feed the children

Feed yourself

Feed the dogs

Get dressed

Get them dressed

Pile into the car

Drive to work

Labor under the sun

Eat lunch

Lift weights

Labor under the sun

Take the children home

Drink coffee

Wait for the wife

Eat dinner

Watch a movie

Put the children to bed

Play video games

Read

Go to sleep.

Rinse and repeat.

Such is the life of the constantly quarantined.

We gotta shake it up some time

Lest we go insane.

I'm Starting to Wonder if the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party Has My Best Interests at Heart

I've been standing in line for hours in Milwaukee to vote for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party candidate for the State Supreme Court, and I'm starting to have second thoughts. This was one of only five polling places open in a city that normally has 180. My absentee ballot never arrived, so despite the wait and the obvious danger of waiting in line with a bunch of people during a pandemic, I ventured out to support my party. After all, the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party is against abortion, and as a man I consider it vital for me to voice my opinion regarding women's reproductive rights. The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party also fully supports gun rights, and as a man who would one day like to own a bazooka, I have to get out and vote. Unfortunately, I have a lung disorder that make me especially vulnerable to the coronavirus, but hey, live and let live. Sure the Democrat Governor wanted to delay the election, but that's a suppression of our voting rights, so I'm glad the Supreme Court of the United States ruled in favor of the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party. Of course, nobody wants to man the polls because of the coronavirus, so I may not actually get to vote. Maybe my absentee ballot will get here today; if it does, I better mail it quick because it has to be postmarked by the seventh or my vote will not be counted. That doesn't sound very democratic to me. But you know what? We live in a Federal Republic. I don't see the word "Democracy," do you?

All politicians are corrupt, after all. The Democrats want to take away the bazooka I wanted to buy, and they'd force me to get an abortion if I was a woman. Let me tell you something, liberals: nobody is taking my imaginary guns or my imaginary babies away, not over my dead body. If I have to pick between two evils, then I'm picking the evil that values guns and pregnant women, which do not go together, lemmie tell you.

Of course, there's always the danger that I might get my face eaten by my elected representative. Leopards do eat faces. It's right there in the name. Statistically, it won't be my face, but it might be someone I know. Maybe even a family member. To tell the truth, I'm a little uncomfortable thinking about a leopard eating the face of a loved one. I'm going to stop thinking about it.

Unfortunately I'm rather emotionally connected to the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party. I identify with them; they have the same beliefs as I do, and I often see myself as one of them. It's not crazy, you know. A man could pretend to be a leopard. I could put a cat suit on and growl and sharpen my nails like claws. I wouldn't even eat people's faces! Although I could, I guess. Liberal faces.

Now that I think about it a little more, the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party sure does like to hurt people. Guns hurt people. Forcing women to have babies is kind of cruel, I guess. Making people stand in line to vote during a pandemic sucks. Eating people's faces is gross and probably incredibly painful.

Naw, fuck it. Reflection is for the nerds. Long live the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party! Uh, wait, what is that? Is that a goddamn leopard? Oh my god, he just ate that guy's face off! Fuck this, I'm outta here!

Black Mesa Impressions

Xen is ridiculously beautiful.

Black Mesa is a total remake/conversion of Half-Life to the Source engine by Crowbar Collective, an independent game studio formed in 2004 by a bunch of amateurs. It's quite amazing what they've accomplished, for Black Mesa is almost up there with Valve's own entries in the Half-Life series, and it's arguably the best way to experience the original Half-Life. Valve let Crowbar Collective release Black Mesa on Steam for the low price of 19 bucks, which is a hell of a deal, in my humble opinion. I played the demo years back, and I was fairly impressed, but after having played the released version, I'm floored at how well they've adapted Half Life. A few sections are changed (On a Rail is shortened, and most of the big battles between the Xen aliens and the HECU Marines are expanded), but on the whole, this is Half-Life, only with increased graphical fidelity. Of course, that higher fidelity is accomplished using a graphical engine released in 2004, but Source has never looked better. The environments might lack the detail of a modern game, but the superb effects and artistry on display more than make up for the potato-faced human character models. You'll flee in terror from the Gargantua in Power Up, dodge Marine fire from the new and improved MP5 (which has a much extended range compared to the sputtering original), and shoot rockets at that damn helicopter in Surface Tension. All of Half-Life's memorable moments are here and as good as you remember them. There are a few difficulty spikes that are frustrating, however, particularly the Lobby battle, which features waves of Marines who shoot with deadly accuracy, and the aforementioned helicopter has auto aim. But this difficulty is inherited from the original; having played a lot of retro shooters lately, I assure you that first person shooters were a lot harder back in the day. The Black Mesa section of Black Mesa is almost perfect. Then we have Xen.

Xen wasn't as bad as people remember. It was weird and different, and there were too many jumping puzzles, but it made narrative sense, and it felt like a fitting conclusion to Gordon's strange journey. My opinion is a minority opinion, however, with Valve seeming to agree with the majority that the Xen section sucked, considering they've never returned to the border world in any of their subsequent games. In contrast to the Black Mesa section of their remake, Crowbar Collective decided to drastically remake Xen, redesigning its four chapters and greatly expanding them. Technically, it's a brilliant accomplishment; Xen looks gorgeous, more Avatar than the drab H.R. Giger influenced direction of the original. However, much of it feels like padding. I'm halfway through the Xen chapters, and I'm about ready to be done with them. There are way too many puzzles, and although none of them are particularly difficult, they aren't particularly fun, either. The Gonarch battle, which is suitably epic, drags on and on, and there are sections where you have to wander through endless caves and flood caverns to reach another area where you'll spend more time running from a giant spider testicle that you can't kill until you reach the proper stage. Quality trumps quantity every time. I'll see what the last few hours have to offer, but I'm basically playing because I've invested 14 hours in Black Mesa, and I'd like to see it through. Regardless if Xen lets me down, Black Mesa is well worth the 19 bucks you'll pay on Steam. Go for it if you want to play one of the best shooters ever made.

Here's the big momma herself.

My New PC

 Look at it glow!

I've been rocking an Intel i5 2500k based pc since 2012. While playing Black Mesa, a very good conversion of Half Life to the Source engine, I noticed that the graphical options defaulted to potato. At that point, I finally committed to building a new system. I used Rock Paper Shotgun's excellent hardware coverage to build a high end system capable of lasting several years, although I don't know if it'll last the seven that my old i5 did. 

For the case I picked a Fractal Design ATX with a tapered glass window so all my expensive components are viewable tucked away beneath my desk. This is a pretty sweet case, complete with dust filters and a bay for your power supply, and all the other niceties modern cases come with. I don't think I'll be making a streaming channel on Youtube, but if I did, my PC looks cool enough.

I went with an AMD Ryzen 7 3700x 8 core processor because that's what Rock Paper Shotgun recommended for a high end AMD processor. AMD has always been just a little bit behind Intel in performance, but much more affordable when it comes to price. Also, Ryzen processors are all AM4 architecture, which means it's a lot simpler figuring out what motherboard to purchase, whereas Intel is a bit more complicated. When you only build a computer every five years or so, simpler is better. I'm an English major, for chrissakes.

For the motherboard, I picked an MSI x570 Gaming Edge, mostly because it has built in Wi-Fi and it was under 200 bucks. Memory was two 8 Gig sticks of DDR4 Corsair Vengeance 3200. I also went with a Corsair cx650 power supply, since 650 watts is enough for a single GPU system.

I initially chose a GeForce GTX1660 ti (there should be a law abolishing the ridiculous numerical schemes utilized by graphics card manufacturers), but since I went with a MSI Optix 1440p monitor, I upgraded to an AMD RX 5700 XT, which is a better 1440p card. So far, it runs Metro Exodus excellently on Ultra, which is the hardest thing I have to throw at it, but goddamn is it a noisy bugger. Graphics cards are also the size of a bar of gold now. I spent 400 bucks on the motherfucker, which is the most I've ever spent on a graphics card, but hey, who doesn't have money to burn during a pandemic that is almost certainly going to lead to a second great depression? Better to have something to pawn! Also, the MSI version of the 5700xt came with Resident Evil 3 and Monster Hunter: World, two games that I wouldn't have purchased otherwise, yet a great deal regardless. Newegg also gave me a three month subscription to Xbox Game Pass, which has a decent selection of games, such as Metro Exodus and Ori and the Will of the Wisps.

Lastly, I should mention my Razer RZ03 Chroma keyboard. It beats the hell outta the twenty plus year old Compaq Presario keyboard I was using. This one's spacebar works! Also, it has all these pretty lights. Who doesn't like pretty lights?

The full setup.