Someone Please Teach Me How to Monetize Myself Like the Piece of Consumer Trash that I Am

 

Hey I was wondering if anybody knew how to get famous and rich on Youtube or Tiktok or any of the other avenues of personal commercialization. Obviously I need some help. The most-viewed video on my Youtube channel has 15 views. This blog has been in existence since 2013 and all it's earned me is a constant hangover and a couple of weird comments. It has been my dream, for all of fifteen minutes, to become a famous unwrapper of boxes. Do you think there is an audience willing to watch a thirty-five year old man rip apart packages of meat? I dunno. All I know is that my value as a human being is dependent on my ability to commodify my existence. If nobody wants to watch me play video games in a tight tank top, I really don't know what I'll do with my life.

You should be thinking about yourself in terms of efficiency and value. Are you wasting your time? Don't you think there's something productive you could be doing to help contribute to the endless cycle of consumption? Push your brand, bro. Elon Musk gets by on six hours of sleep a night; you can too. Of course, Elon Musk probably has a handjob by a Swedish hand model for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and you're not quite at his level yet, you lazy dweeb. You know he makes those goddamn Teslas himself, right? He's earned those billions, and just because you and I are low caste wage slaves doesn't mean we can't have a piece of the pie, that is, if we're prepared to sacrifice our souls while treating ourselves like disposable consumer trash. It's our fault that we're not best buds with luminaries like Joe Rogan, host of Fear Factor. It's our fault that we haven't ascended to the top of the capitalist pyramid.

You know, I have a goddamn video camera. Surely I am capable of something that will inexplicably hold the interest of billions. Maybe I'll haul tractor tires around my farm or squat in a hole with a dildo on my head for ten hours. All of it will be recorded for posterity, and all of it will be hosted by our benevolent overlord, Google. Don't be evil, bro! Remember when that was Google's motto? I can't recall if that was before or after they worked with the Chinese government to integrate their products with the Great Firewall. Watch out; my blog is next. Haha, nobody gives a shit. Google is happy to give me free internet hosting in exchange for my data. Google is providing us all with a wonderful way to commodify ourselves. It's all about the benjamins, peeps. Christ, this is why I have no audience.

Maybe I'll bring back the Pointless Podcast, the podcast that was the antithesis of podcasts, if that can exist. Somehow, there's got to be a way to milk all of my artistic ability for top dollar. Or maybe it all doesn't matter. Perhaps I can have value as a human being without constantly selling myself or facing a camera like a goddamn animal in a zoo.

Who am I fucking kidding? This is late-stage capitalism, friend. The shitty dystopia is here. God bless America. 

Pointless Venture's Best and Worst of 2020

 

Man, what a doozy of a year, amirite? And it ain't over, folks; there's still a whole month left. Nevertheless, we must persevere, and in the spirit of optimism, here is my definitive list of all the best things media related that I consumed in 2020. Sorry, Cyberpunk 2077. There's no way I'm finishing you in December if you're anything like the Witcher 3.

Game of the Year: Doom Eternal

A ridiculous gorefest and one hell of a first person shooter, Doom Eternal was the game I spent the most time with in 2020. I liked it so much that I beat it on Nightmare, and that's no easy feat, lemme tell you. Although I preferred the tonal approach of Doom 2016, Eternal has awesome level design, great battles, and a complex combat system that keeps you on the edge of your seat.

Honorable Mentions: Metro Exodus, Black Mesa.

Best Wrestling Match: Jon Moxley versus Kenny Omega for the AEW Heavyweight Championship.

 

Despite the fact that these two didn't have the best charisma (Moxley's a brawler, Kenny's a high-flying hotshot), they put on a hell of a fight last night, Omega spamming V-Triggers and Moxley countering with Paradigm Shifts. The finish was a little weird (there's always gotta be blood in an AEW championship match, but can a mic bust somebody's head open?) yet I'm pumped to see Kenny's hotshot heel reign. Dynamite is the only show I watch religiously, other than the Mandalorian. Thanks for saving my wrestling fandom, AEW.

Best TPM song: Pandemic Blues

 

The only song I wrote this year was a melancholy piano powered ode to sadness. Can't believe this shit is still going on. Christ save us.

Social development of the year: Dungeons and Dragons.

 

I became a Dungeons and Dragons player this year, a fact which I would've considered hilarious ten years ago, but you know what? Twenty-five year old Goon was not as nice a person as thirty-five year old Goon. Anyways, playing D'n'D with a small group of friends every week has kept me going during the pandemic, and it's fun as hell, especially if you're playing as a drunken half-orc who never met a bushel of apples he couldn't punch his way through.

Best book:  Black Leopard Red Wolf by Marlon James

 

A gay African fantasy seemingly inspired by Game of Thrones, Quentin Tarantino, and mythology. Violent, disgusting, and absolutely dripping with poetic language (Fuck the Gods!) Black Leopard Red Wolf is unlike any epic fantasy you've ever read. Don't be scared, pick this book up.

Honorable Mention: Borne by Jeff Vandermeer.

Pointless Venture's Worst Person/Event/Apocalyptic Force of 2020: Donald Trump

Jesus, take this man away from us.

Crazy to remember that 2020 started with Trump being Impeached in the House for asking the government of Ukraine to investigate Hunter Biden. At least Nixon had the decency to keep his corruption on American soil. Then came the Coronavirus, which has killed over a quarter of a million Americans and counting. All of that blood is on Trump's hands. He politicized the virus, and he's the reason half of the country won't wear masks or treat a pandemic seriously. He's the sole reason we're still dealing with this shit. Finally, the election came, and Trump bowed out as graciously as everyone imagined he would. By pushing completely baseless accusations of fraud and refusing to concede, the God Emperor of the Republican Party has succeeded in turning half of the country into authoritarian conspiracy theorists completely disconnected from reality. Donald Trump has been the disaster every reasonable person thought he would be, and his shit-stained legacy will mar our nation long after he's bitten the dust. For all of the above and more, he is Pointless Venture's Worst of 2020. Congratulations. You will receive one rotten apple in the mail.