Who Will Stop Heel President?

Between belittling a Gold Star widow and trying to pass a tax plan that will destroy the economy, President Trump has more heel heat than anybody in America. Who will stop the orange menace? Here are some likely candidates:

The Shield. One of the greatest factions in WWE history has just recently reunited. Unfortunately, Roman Reigns is down with bacterial meningitis, so that leaves only Dean and Seth at the moment. Though they are undoubtedly skilled, there's no way that 2/3s of the Shield can defeat the Justice Department as well as Paul Ryan's queefs. Until Roman's back in action, they better wait to challenge Trump's Authority-backed government.

The New Day. Who better to challenge Jeff Session's racist Justice Department than a beloved trio of sassy black men? I tell you, I can't think of a better spectacle than the New Day performing a unicorn stampede on that little troll's face. However, Trump's threatened to bring back a cyborg Hulk Hogan if the New Day throw their unicorn hats into the arena. Cybog Hulk Hogan is like 3 times as racist as normal Hulk Hogan, and I'm not sure even the Power of Positivity can defeat that much racism.

AJ Styles. The new face that runs the place can hang in the ring with anyone. Look out, Pence, you're going to feel the pain of the Calf Crusher! Despite being a face, I'm not sure how motivated AJ would be to tackle the Trump administration, given that he might be a flat-earther, and those people aren't know for their reasoning abilities. Besides, you have to beat Jinder before you lock Agent Orange in a Styles-Clash.

Jon Cena. If there's anyone who can hang with a trash-talking President, then it's the true face of America, Jon Cena. During his long WWE career, the original face that runs the place has gone over nearly everybody without much challenge. Though he's in the twilight of his career, Big Jon can still bring it. He is on a break to film a movie, though, so maybe when he gets back we'll see Trump's spine shatter from the force of an AA.

Charlotte. Whoo! Ric Flair and Trump have a few things in common, namely a flair for tall tales and divorce. I see a feud in the mix! Maybe the Queen can turn heel (sort of?) and take out Ivanka, leading to a mixed match where the first family tap out to duel Figure-Eight Leglocks. Oh who are we kidding? Trump will probably make an allusion to menstruation and how it attracts bears as a reason not to get his ass kicked.

Stone Cold. Picture this: Vince reignites his battle of the billionaires feud with the President, citing Trump's treatment of Linda (who has just resigned her position as head of the Small Business Administration due to some scandal which probably has a basis in reality). Stone Cold agrees to be the referee. The winner has to resign their position (win-win!). Trump wins after paying off Shane to attack his father before the match starts. However, Stone Cold stuns Trump out of nowhere and accidentally paralyses the Commander in Chief, leading to the ascendancy of Mike Pence as President and the transformation of the United States into the Republic of Gilead. So... yeah, there's no easy way out of this, America. Not even wrestling can save us.

Weightlifting: Training the Lower Body without Squats or Deadlifts

Due to the back injury I wrote about earlier (which seems to involve my sacroiliac joint), I've had to lay off of heavy squats and deadlifts for the time being. To prevent becoming the thing in the above picture, I've had to find alternative methods for training my legs. Since I train at home, the leg press isn't an option. Here's what I'm doing instead:

Split Squats

Also called Bulgarian split squats for some stupid reason (I believe a member of the Bulgarian weightlifting team was messing with people and attributed his success at the Olympic lifts to this exercise, which is ridiculous), this exercise can be quite challenging if you've never done unilateral training before. You'll find your dominant leg handles squatting easily, while your other leg will have a bit more trouble. I avoid loading my back by using a pair of dumbbell like the above picture. To compensate for the lack of heavy weights, I do higher reps, usually 4 sets of 10.

Lunges
Lunges are a basic movement that everybody has probably done at some time or another. Shorter steps will increase tension on your quadriceps, while longer strides will stress your glutes more. Higher reps are recommended. Can be hard on your knees, though still easier than leg extensions.


Leg Curls

Leg curls stress the hamstrings, unlike leg extensions, which target the quads. I usually don't go over sixty pounds with these, at least at this point. 4 sets of 8-12 reps, like everything else.


Leg Extensions
Leg extensions get a bad rep because they put a lot of sheer force on the knee joint. For that reason, you shouldn't do them with heavy weights. I usually use about fifty pounds per leg, just aiming for a pump.

Calf Raises
Never really did these, and my calves are a paltry fifteen inches, so I decided to start working on them out of vanity, which is the best motivator. Doing these for 4 sets of 20, three times a week.

Other than these, I usually do some side leg raises for my hips. Hopefully, the above routine will help me retain muscle mass while I wait on my back to heal.  

Your IBS Is Your Fault

Hey, you. Guy with three hot dogs in his mouth. I got a message for you. Your irritable bowel syndrome is your fault.

No one's making you cram two eggo waffles, a plate of chicken alfredo, and a bucket of animal crackers in your pie hole. Nobody forced you at gunpoint to sprinkle tabasco sauce all over the jalapeno scrambled eggs you ate for breakfast. That McDonald's value meal you just devoured? Pretty sure that wonderful amalgamation of soy fillers, trans fats, and carbonated soda didn't crawl down your gullet on its own accord. Naw, man. You put that stuff in you.

Cap 'n' crunch isn't made to be eaten three times a day. Diet coke was originally designed to clean coffee pots, not the lining of your stomach. That blockage in your intestinal tract was not put there by God. Just because you can eat a whole pizza doesn't mean that it's a good idea. In fact, if you've ever considered eating a whole pizza, I can assure you that good ideas come as frequently to your brain as the nightly cloud of dementia comes to the current President of the United States. Stop putting garbage into your mouth, dumb ass.

So you had a cleanse the other day. You drank spring water and ate nothing but graham crackers like some 19th century prude. You still don't know what a vegetable is, or how to cook anything other than refried beans, but your Medusa's nest of an intestine is feeling somewhat better. Your bowel movements are beginning to resemble the droppings of a large, herbivorous mammal rather than the shit-water of a man dying from dysentery. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about how good a bowl of Skyline chili would taste right now, followed by two or three chili cheese coneys. Let me tell you a secret that only folks from the Natty know: Cincinnati chili is recycled hobo shit. You can't digest it--it's already been digested. It's impossible, like a unicorn or a skunk ape. Don't try it, you can't do it. You just can't.

I once lived like you did, if you could call what I led a life. I dined on cases of Miller High Life mixed with bathwater bleach and ammonium nitrate. I ate the carcass of a dead animal, no matter what condition it was in. Once, just for the hell of it, I chewed up all the plastic in my house. What the dog ate, I ate. The stomach pains I suffered through were the stuff of legend. Sometimes it took weeks for me to poop. Other times, it just took a second. Underwear was a scarce resource. You can't wash the unwashable. You just have to throw it in the trash.

So don't tell me about your IBS, bro. Pull those hot dogs out of your mouth and get a grip before you find yourself eating gravel and tree bark. If I did it, you can do it. You can do anything.

Conan Brothers Q&A

RealAmeriKKKan asks "What do you guys think about all those loser football players kneeling during the national anthem? If they don't like it here, they can just get out!"

Dave: Been a while since we had a true moron ask a question.

Arnold: That's not true, Dave. Usually we just ignore them, but I feel that this one's query deserves an answer.

Dave: Let me ask all you hard-ass patriot motherfuckers something: What do you think black Americans owe this country?

Arnold: Oh my god, Dave, what are you saying?

Dave: I know it's impossible for a sociopath to put his or herself in another person's shoes, but all you Trump supporters out there, just try for a second. Imagine you're a black American. I know! The horror! Let's think about your history. Americans stole your ancestors from their country and enslaved them for two-hundred and fifty years. When they finally gained their freedom, they were treated as second class citizens that were often lynched, beaten, or unfairly imprisoned if they stepped out of their designated social arena. While things improved after the passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, racism and systematic discrimination continued, even though plenty of white people like to pretend that prejudice ended with Obama. "They got their black President, now I don't want to hear about racism!" these people screamed, even though the election of a black President resulted in a massive racist backlash that ultimately manifested itself in Trump. With a noted racist sitting at the head of the DOJ, and a police culture that continues to treat blacks like dead men walking, what do African-Americans owe this country? Honestly, jack shit.

Arnold: Well spoken, white man.

Dave: I find that patriotism is too often used as a shield against criticism.

Arnold: Yeah, I guess that sounds about right.

...

IntellectualHorseMan3000 asks "Do you assholes ever read anything besides muscle rags?"

Arnold: Cereal boxes. Craiglist ads for pool boys. Stuff on the internets.

Dave: Arnold thinks a book is something you use as a weapon or as toilet paper in a pinch.

Arnold: Actually, brother, I have just finished an excellent science fiction novel called Blindsight by Peter Watts. It's a first contact story set in a high tech future where baseline humans are redundant and vampires have been brought to life by the miracle of genetic engineering. The aliens are nicely alien, and the big twist of the novel has a certain Lovecraftian horror about it. The main theme of Blindsight is consciousness, and whether or not it is an advantage or a disadvantage to an intelligent species. I probably read it in a week.

Dave: So that's what you were doing in there all night. I figured you were twisting the bald headed moose or whatever.

Arnold: Well yeah, I was probably doing that too.

Dave: So do you think we qualify as conscious beings?

Arnold: You don't. Half the time you speak, I can tell it's the machinery underneath that's doing the talking.

...

GamerBait asks "So what have you losers been playing?"

Dave: Besides the skin flute?

Arnold: Enough with the masturbation euphemisms. Prey is really good, and a nice companion to Blindsight.

Dave: It's basically System Shock 3, although I've seen a lot of people comparing it to Bioshock which makes sense, I guess, since the Shock series has been defunct for a long time now.

Arnold: Talos, the space station in Prey, is probably the best fully-realized environment in gaming. It really feels like an actual place.

Dave: I feel like the horror angle is due more to the initial weakness of your character, rather than the alien design, though every time a Phantom walks by making those creepy sounds, I shit my pants.

Arnold: Yeah, and they're not even much of a challenge. I do agree, though, Prey is refreshingly difficult on normal, though not Dark Souls hard.

Dave: Nothing is Dark Souls hard. Not even the game of life itself.