Hanging with the Goon

It looks liek teh crop is gonna be bad wit teh bad wether, folks.

Well peoples, us apple farmers gots some bad news bout teh apple business: bloom is bout to start in March! All of teh warm weather gots teh buds movin liek there Michael Jackson and theres a dance floor full of youngins gyrating about. Speaking of which, I herd taht Milo Younoppolis isn't allowed to speak fer teh President anymore on Bretfart 'cause he might be a diddler, wich we all should've guessed, I guess. Sometimes, when Hernando ain't wit me, on teh weigh to teh farmers markets I listen to NPR and get all teh liberal news from teh ghost of Dianie Reem.I know teh President says it is fake news but he has a fake brain taht is full of worms or so says teh afourmentioed ghost of Dianie Reem. Waht I wanna know is waht is this country comin' to? Used to be we argued bout gas milage and weather or not teh GMO apples are going to give you supracancer or whatever. It is most unfortunate taht teh libtard and conservative branchs of our country are so divided. HOws can wes stand togeter when der is so much hate? I blaem it on teh Cu Cucks Clan, of which Uncle Thom is a member. As a general rule, if Uncle THom is part of somethin', then it ain't no goode. Thom says taht Steven Bannon is teh new Grand Wizard in Chief an he's buttbuddies wit teh President, so tahts why everythin' sucks, or so I am told. I dont know. I just do what I'm told.

I hasn't talked too much bout teh family as of late. Unfortunately, SLack is back in jail fer sellin' a midget too much heron. I guess its worse if its a little person or a child; don't know how taht works, to be honest. They sent 'em to county, which is convienent cuz Willy is tehre too, just a cell block down from 'em. Now I can see both of my kinsmen in one convienent trip! They were tryin to get me to hide drugs in me arsehole, but I told 'em thaht teh GOon is on teh straight an narrow and tehy weren't gonna get me involved in thair hair-brained schemes. Now tehy wont talk to me unless I get up some females fere cogenital visits. I put an aid out on facebooks, but no ones responded, wich is a shame. Some time life only deals you aces, an other times it deals you poo-poo. Ol' Sam talks bout self-reliance and how teh federal government is supporting Welfare Queens and Transexual Transvestites from Transulvania. He gives me teh evil eye whenever I talk bout teh misfortunes of me family. I tell 'em it aint thair fault cuz tehy was born under a bad sign an me maw was under teh impression at teh time taht abortion was illegal, wich it aint, at least not yet. Sam responds taht I am soundin' more an more liek a libtard apologist. Who knows? Maybe I am becomin' a hippe hipster. Maybe it wont be so bad.

I found this photo in Uncle Thom's collection. Taht sure is an ugly woman.

Weightlifting: 600 lbs Challenge: 510 lbs Deadlift

I probably need to tweak my form a bit; you can see me stall right off the floor. I usually don't pull the slack out of the bar. Felt a little dizzy beforehand, which is why I take a knee right after the lift. Drank too much coffee and got a bit too pumped up. Bodyweight staying stable around 195 lbs.

I'm just a Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaire

You realize that I'm just a temporarily embarrassed millionaire, right? This house you see, with the peeling siding and the crumbling foundation, it's not my permanent residence. I'll live in a big mansion one day, complete with a gilded interior and a personal manservant named Gerald. I'll drive a Camaro and crap in a gold toilet with one of those jets that shoots water up your ass. My wife will get a tit upgrade and we'll change our last names to Von Maur or something similarly fancy. Maybe we'll have our own private jet. Maybe not. I don't know if that's realistic.

Why should I care about public schools when Junior is going to be rubbing shoulders with the other rich kids at the Academy for Future Leaders of America or whatever they call it? Why should I give a shit about health care when I'll be jumping in a giant pile of gold like Scrooge McDuck every morning for my daily constitutional? You see, there are winners and losers in life. I'm a winner. At least, I'll be one eventually.

Sure, I'm barely getting paid more than minimum wage right not, but the jobs will come rushing back, especially now that Trump is in the White House. The automobile factories are leaving Mexico and coming to America, along with the coal mines and the steel industry and the textile mills and stuff. That vanished economy will return just as soon as taxes are cut and tariffs enacted. America's gotten a bad deal from the rest of the world. The times, they are a changing. We're making things great again.

Hopefully the Donald won't cut my government benefits, not that I'll need them. Yes, my family can only afford health insurance because of Obamacare, but surely the White House will fight for the needs of real, white, hard working Americans. The wife's currently on disability because of her chronic back pain, yet after we're millionaires, we'll be able to afford the surgery that she needs and she'll lose all that weight and get super-hot again like she was when she was sixteen. I just ask that the Republicans, who I always vote for, wait until we're filthy rich like the rest of them before they gut all of my welfare. Not that we need it, though. We're Americans. We believe in self-reliance and the prosperity gospel. God will surely take care of us. We believe in Him.

It doesn't matter if you're black, Hispanic, gay, transsexual, a woman, dike, or Muslim, because if you work hard, you'll eventually become a millionaire like me (future me, I mean). In fact, if you're any one of those things, you'll have a built-in advantage thanks to the Democrats and the PC police. Thank god for Trump, because finally a straight, white, heterosexual male will be able to get ahead in this world. My millions are waiting. When I find them, I'll see you suckers later.

Weightlifting: The Killer Deadlift Routine

Ed Coan, the greatest deadlifter of all time.

In my quest for a 600 lbs deadlift, I believe I have stumbled upon a fool-proof routine guaranteed to put 100 lbs on your deadlift, provided you're not already pulling over 600 lbs. It's a monthly routine designed around incremental progression--you only try to add 10 lbs to your max every month. Keep in mind, that's 120 lbs in a year, which is more progress than I've made since I started lifting. Here we go:

 

Assuming a 500 lbs max

 

Week one: Shock week. I wrote about this workout a little while ago, but here it is again, using percentages, which I never use.

 

Using 67 % of your 1 rep max, perform ten repetitions. So 335 lbs in this case. Rest 30 seconds, then perform another five reps. Continue until you have performed 30 total repetitions with 335 lbs. This is likely a harder workout than you've ever performed with the deadlift, even with the relatively light weight. It'll improve your conditioning and add muscular mass to your frame, as well as acting as a deload when you start the cycle again. Next month, add 10 lbs.

Week two: Moderately heavy deadlift. We're going to be using at least 80 percent of our one rep max for fifteen repetitions. I don't like doing heavy reps with the deadlift because I don't use straps and my hands get beaten up. So I rest 30 seconds in between heavy singles. Start with 82 percent of your one rep max (410 lbs) and perform 5 singles. Add ten pounds (420) and do 5 more singles. Add ten more pounds (430), perform a single, then continuing adding five pounds until you've done four more singles (so 435, 440, 445, 450). Rest around one minute in between sets. I try to do this workout without a lifting belt for added challenge.

Week three: Heavy deadlift. We're going to reduce the volume to 10 reps with 80 percent, but we're pulling doubles now, not singles. You can add a belt if you wish. Start with 410 for 2, then 430 for 2, then add 10 lbs (440 for 2). Add ten lbs for the remaining two sets (450 for 2, 460 for 2). Try to keep your rest time in between sets down.

Week four: One rep max attempt. Now it's showtime. Warm up gradually. 135 lbs for 5, 225 for 3, 315 for 2, 405. Pull about fifty or six pounds less than your max attempt (450 lbs). Then pull a new max (510 lbs).

Don't forget your assistance work. Every week, do heavy barbell rows (I usually do triples, pyramiding up in weight). Also do rack pulls at the end of the week (only 5 singles, but make sure they are heavy) and one arm cleans (I clean my 100 lbs dumbbell for 12 reps as a workout finisher). I also do a lot of light power cleans when I do my pressing workouts, as well as squats twice a week. Everything I just mentioned will help improve your deadlift. But if you stick to the above program, I don't see how you can't make substantial gains utilizing that much volume. Make sure to eat plenty and to sleep at least seven hours a night. Don't go crazy with the drinking either.

The great Herman Goerner, probably one of the strongest men to ever have lived.

Let's Wage War on Stupidity

2016 saw stupidity's victory over rational thought. A coddled billionaire with a first-grader's vocabulary and a laundry list worth of evil on his resume defeated a far more qualified opponent using demagoguery, alternative facts, and good old fashioned American racism, not to mention our outdated Electoral system. Just a couple weeks into his term, his Presidency has been disgraced by bigotry, nepotism, and an assault on the very foundations of our democratic society. So what does the future hold for America? Do you see a boot stamping on a human face? Because there's something killing us besides diabetes and 24 hour entertainment. It's the mass prevalence of idiocy among your fellow citizens.

We have always had a little leeway with free speech. You're entitled to your opinion, no matter how irrational it may be. If you want to believe that the whole of geology is a lie, and dinosaurs never existed, well, that's like your prerogative, man. There is a difference, however, between having opinions and waging active war on the truth. This is where we are with the Republican Party in 2017. It is not the party of Barry Goldwater. It's the party of Breitbart News. It's not the party of conservative values. It's the party of white privilege, millionaires, and systemic corruption. It's not even the party of Richard Nixon. It's the party of drooling internet trolls and hate speech.

It's the party of Donald Trump, and everything he represents.

The question is "how much do you care?" When facts become subjective, is there no response by people who care about the actual truth? If we care about the future, what can we do?

The answer is: stop tolerating stupidity.

If someone tells you that global warming is a Chinese conspiracy, let them know they're an idiot. If they act indignant (and they will), tell them that they are part of the problem. If they want to know the truth (they probably won't), then let them know it. Now I'm not saying that you, me, and anyone else listening suddenly become the sole arbiters of the truth. What I'm saying is that we can't afford to tolerate stupidity. We won't survive it. Civil rights won't survive it. The environment won't survive it. The human race won't survive it. Science and rationality are all we have in this world. It's what dragged humanity up from the ashes of ignorance. It is what separates us from the animals. It's what took us from the earth and into the vastness of space. It's the only hope for the future. And what good are science and rationality without observation based data? No one owns the truth. The truth exists independent of you or I. It doesn't matter what Donald Trump says. You know he's an idiot. I know he's a liar. We all know that what he stands for is an embrace of double-speak and double-think.

It is your duty to the future to combat the liars and their lies. That might mean calling your Congressman to voice your opinion. That might mean donating to the ACLU or the Union of Concerned Scientists. That might mean taking part in a rally or contributing to a protest in some capacity.

The next time someone tells you that Evolution is just a theory, tell them they're just a moron. You're probably not going to convert them with rational thought, but it's your job to make sure their braying is lost in a chorus of voices shouting them down. You can't resist without doing something. This is the only way we're going to get through the next four years.

Weightlifting: Emphasizing the "Dead" in Deadlift

Lamar Gant, who deadlifted 661 lbs at 132 lbs, with scoliosis.

At the start of my deadlifting cycle, I have a day where I try to cram as much volume in as possible. The first time I did this, I took 315 lbs, did a set of ten, rested, then did four sets of five with the same weight. Yesterday, I took 335 and did the same thing, only I completed all thirty reps just under eight minutes. By the end of the workout, I was panting and feeling like I'd just run 800 meters as hard as I could. The point of this workout is to condition your body with a shock-blast of volume, which will bust you out of a rut and put slabs of meat on your ass, back, and legs. Every month, add ten pounds. My first set, which is a set of ten, I use conventional form and a hook grip. After that, I switch it up, switching between conventional and sumo using a mixed grip. I don't recommend straps because I think they make you a pussy. Below is the workout laid out so it's easier to understand.

Deadlift 335 for ten reps. Rest thirty seconds.

Deadlift 335 for five reps. Rest thirty seconds.

Sumo deadlift 335 for five reps. Try to rest only thirty seconds.

Deadlift 335 for five reps. Rest just about a minute.

 

Deadlift 335 for five reps, sumo style. Slump onto the floor like a dead man.

 

Do this only once a month. You could try it with the squat and it would probably be equally as brutal.