Tuesday, January 28, 2020

The Heart of the Thief: The Wizards Left Behind


 Previous Chapter: The Shimmering Isles

The Wizards Left Behind
The necromancer stared out the tower window and observed the world below him. The remnants of the Beaune army fled across the vineyards in full retreat; a red and gold banner depicting a three-headed lion chased them from the field as the forces of Rheineland congealed. The battle had been long and the fighting intense. The quiet coup d’état that was supposed to have occurred had failed after the assassination of General Merovech by Silas Amaro. It was assumed that the Beaune nobility had supported Merovech, but whether they were aware of his connection to Earl Rudolf of Rheineland, who was his cousin, was not known. None of those in power were able to make sense of what had happened with the Capetians. The fighting prowess of the Medjay warriors was legendary, yet no one could believe that a small contingent of the mutants had slaughtered an entire garrison of Beaune soldiers. When it had become clear that the castle was overrun, the Rheineland troops stationed around the fortress had attacked with siege weapons. A stone hurled by a trebuchet killed most of the Medjay warriors, but the killers of their leadership were unaccounted for, though Rhea Callimachus of Vaalbara was suspected. No one had asked Dazbog to explain the sequence of events. His captors had assumed him to be a senile wizard, discombobulated during the conflict, and so they had bound his hands with adamant shackles and thrown him in the tower to rot. He was fine with being forgotten. The echo of steps on stone told him that he was not.
    The door to his chambers flew open and a big man with a long mustache stomped in, dragging a short-haired woman in chains. He threw the woman in the corner and towered over Dazbog, his face contorted with anger. His hair was black and slicked back, and he wore the sort of scowl that told the necromancer that he was looking for a scapegoat. With a snarl, he seized the sole chair and sat down, eyes boring into the old wizard. They sat in silence for some time.
    “Do you know who that woman is?” he asked.
    Dazbog looked the woman over and shook his head.
    “She’s a wizard like you. Correct me if I am wrong, but I was under the impression that you all knew each other. There’s the Conventum, is there not?”
    “I have no license to practice magic,” replied Dazbog. “Therefore, I have limited contact with my peers.”
    “You have no license? Well, that is very interesting. Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself, if you are going to be so forthcoming. What is your name? Who did you arrive with? What was your purpose in coming to Beaune?”
    “My name is Dazbog. I am a conjurer of petty tricks. I came with a troupe to ply my trade and entertain the Count.”
    “Petty tricks, eh?” sneered the man. “What can you do, make fire dance?”
    “Yes. I mold it into shapes and illustrate scenes from history. My art is failing, however, with my health. The humidity of this land is not good for my lungs.”
    “You know nothing about any Capetians?”
    “I have never been to Massalia, my lord. I once traveled through Valice, but I didn’t make it through Galvania. The Baron’s men turned us back.”
    “They thought you unsavory fellows, I bet.” The man scratched his chin and looked thoughtfully at the woman in the corner. He turned back to Dazbog and shook his head.
    “Let me tell you a little about my problems, Dazbog. I am Gustaf Kohler, an intelligence officer in the service of Earl Rudolf. My job was not supposed to be this difficult. I detest difficult situations, don’t you? I was supposed to be sampling the fine vintages of Beaune with General Merovech this afternoon while the Rheineland army marched peacefully back across the border. It was all a show, you understand? The whole conflict. We just needed an excuse to depose that grotesque simpleton and replace him with someone more interested in diplomacy. Now, there are many ways one can go about deposing a ruler. The best way is to make it look as though his own country got rid of him. The worst way is to occupy his castle when it happens to be overflowing with the dead bodies of his men. That looks bad, and that’s why the Beaune army attacked us when they returned from the front. Thankfully, we defeated them, but we suffered losses, and now we’re occupiers instead of allies. The politicians will sort this out eventually, yet I must have some coherent narrative to tell the politicians, otherwise they’ll think I’m useless, and it’ll be my body that’s strung up from the rafters. I don’t quite buy your old conjurer act. That woman over here is named Hypatia Almagest, and she was Oudinot’s mage. She wasn’t included in the scheme to overthrow the old bugger; in fact, she was scheduled for termination and somehow missed her appointment. I can’t quite get anything out of her using conventional methods, and I don’t want to wait until the Earl’s wizard gets here because I can’t stand the bastard. He’s old and smells like a goat. Frankly, Dazbog, you resemble him in both appearance and odor. That’s how I know you’re full of shit. You think an intelligence officer can’t pick up on your Capetian accent? Most of the inhabitants of this castle were slaughtered, but not all of them. Some of the servants survived, and they tell tales of mortally-wounded men crawling around on all fours, devouring all in their path, howling and speaking in demonic voices. Sounds like a crock of shit, honestly, but something funny went on here. How did a contingent of Medjay warriors end up in Beaune? Why did they kill everyone, including Merovech? And why did they take with them a necromancer such as yourself?”
    Dazbog gave the man a yellow-toothed smile. He stood up and brushed off his burlap robe and gazed out the window. This was the moment. The confession. The admission of sin. The beginning of the end.
    “They came here because they were following thieves. The Heart of Rankar was stolen by a sorceress named Cassilda and a fellow who calls himself the Thief. The Capetian Secret Service chief, Silas Amaro, took his lieutenant, the mercenary Jekkar Firenze, and a troop of Medjay warriors on a quest to retrieve the priceless relic, which is an heirloom of the Duke’s house. I was drafted into their service, and I aided as much as I could. The violence in the castle was a misunderstanding. Amaro had been driven nearly mad—the man was a sociopath, you’re familiar with the type, I’m sure—and I believe he simply lost his temper and killed the General. As to what occurred between Amaro and the sorceress, I cannot say. I was wearied from my labors and stayed in the tower.”
    “So you were just an innocent bystander, I’m to understand? Who told the Capetians your quarry was in Beaune?”
    “She would know better than I, my lord,” said Dazbog.
    Kohler looked at Hypatia with spite and then spat on the floor.
    “How can I repeat such a ridiculous tale? I have a good ear for the truth, old man, and I can tell that some of what you say is not complete hogwash. But it sounds like a faerie story. Why would the Capetians traipse halfway across Ur with an armed commando, disrespecting the sovereign borders of several nations, to recover an heirloom? Why wouldn’t Amaro send a simple assassin to do his bidding? Why did he come himself?”
    “If you want, we can ask him. Just bring his corpse up here.”
    Kohler looked amused. He stood up and loomed over Hypatia, waiting for her to meet his eyes.
    “What of his claims, witch? Shall we raise the dead?”
    She didn’t reply, and Kohler appeared satisfied. He was the type of man who enjoyed breaking people and utterly dominating their will.
    “I will send for my instruments. Hypatia here has had but a taste, and we’ll see how your story changes after my tools have touched your flesh. I will leave you for but a moment. Please behave. I do not like when my charges mistreat each other.”
    He shut the door behind him and locked it. Hypatia waited until she heard his heavy steps descending before she spoke to Dazbog.
    “Here,” she said, spitting a hairpin onto the floor between them. “Pick it up and try to unlock my chains.”
    Dazbog said nothing but looked at her without emotion.
    “Don’t you want to escape? Unlock me, and I’ll unlock you, and we’ll clean this castle of the bastards.”
    “There is nowhere to run to, woman,” said the old wizard. “The burden of our sentience will soon be lifted. You and I will cease to comprehend pain. Guided by the mighty wind that I summoned, the Northron’s zeppelin should have reached the Shimmering Isles by now. The Land of the Dead is a harsh place, but their company is strong, and vengeance burns in the sorceress’s heart. She will claim the Heart of Rankar as her own and take its power into her. In doing so, the last living piece of God will finally be extinguished, and we will be free as our egos fade like light glowing from dying embers. No more sentient generations will be born to feel pain. What a gift I will have given the human race! It is unfortunate that my triumph will be a hollow one. You are the only one who has any presentiment of what will happen, and I can tell by the expression on your face that you do not understand. It is fine, Hypatia! I feel love for you, a love that I have not felt since I read the dark books and lost all hope. If only we could preserve love! But I am a misbegotten creature, a mistake of nature, a freak twisted and tied into unbreakable knots. The good must be killed with the bad. Understand, child, that it is not worth it to be. How could any of us ever be happy knowing that somewhere there is a child who has known nothing but a balled-up fist and the sour acid of hunger pangs? Pain is all that child will ever know, and that child will die without ever feeling a positive emotion. Somewhere out there a woman is being raped and throttled. A boy will die after being torn apart by wolves. A heretic is burning in one corner while a mob stones a leper in another. All of us know that we will die, and we must bear the pain of knowing that every person we have ever loved will die. What a nightmare existence we lead, Hypatia. What sorrow we experience because of our sentience. Do you know what I have done? I bent the will of Silas Amaro and his assassin. I used them to clear a path for Cassilda and her thief. She would never have obtained the Heart without him, and together they will end the eternal torment of the human race. Rejoice, my dear, and fear no torturer’s knives. There is no need to escape.”
    Hypatia picked up the hairpin and fumbled with the lock of her chains. Dazbog turned away and looked out the window. Perhaps his optimism was misplaced. Perhaps they would die in the Land of the Dead. No, it will not happen. He had picked the sorceress, fed her the proper texts, engineered her mind without her knowing. She was powerful and driven. The Thief was also skilled. The odds were on his side.
    The lock clicked just as heavy steps echoed on the stairway. Hypatia shook off the shackles and closed her eyes, trying to summon as much energy as possible. Her face was bruised and battered, and blood was encrusted under her nose.
    “I don’t know if you’re mad, old man, but I’ll do you a courtesy. Perhaps you’ll do me one as well.”
    She flicked her fingers and the chains fell from Dazbog’s hands. The door burst open, and Kohler stood there with a pleasant smile plastered across his face, as though he were about to enjoy a beloved hobby. The smile quickly changed to a grimace as a pair of chains flew from the floor and wrapped around the spy’s neck. He fell to his knees and clutched at the chains, spittle flying from his lips. Hypatia took his knife from his belt and walked through the door, looking once at Dazbog before vanishing down the stairs.
    “Such terrible suffering,” said Dazbog to Kohler, as his eyes bulged, and his face turned blue. “It is a telekinetic spell she has used on you, and I am not particularly skilled in that area. You do have my sympathies, Kohler. You are simply a product of your environment and forces beyond control. If they have made you into a sadist, it is not your fault.”
    Kohler stopped struggling. His tongue lolled out of his mouth, and his eyes became dull and witless. Dazbog waited a few more moments and then leaned back against the stone. He was very tired, and very old, and what powers he possessed wavered with his feeble strength. Still, he felt he owed the woman something. She was vivacious, full of a perverse desire for life, and though he despised such eagerness, he could not help but admire it in another.
    “I will help you, Hypatia Almagest,” muttered the old wizard as his eyes closed and he slipped into a trance.
    On the floor, the body of Kohler twitched.

Next Chapter: Into the Forest

Sunday, January 26, 2020

The Esteemed Critic Reviews Midsommar

Spoiler!

Peons, it has been quite some time since I've graced Pointless Venture with my literary genius. Alas, I have been busy standing in the unemployment line, waiting on government handouts with the other sad folk. The life of a literary critic is not all guns and roses, as they say, although certain aspects of my existence certainly seem to resemble an Axl Rose drug trip, or so I'm led to believe (I have sources). Anyways, enough about my personal tribulations. Let's get to my purpose for being.

Midsommar is the best horror movie I've seen since The Witch. Our protagonist is Dani, a grieving college student who has just lost her sister and parents in a bizarre murder suicide. Her boyfriend Christian is emotionally unavailable (like all men, am I right?) and pressured by his friends to ditch Dani before the tragedy comes to light. So, like a Seinfeld episode, Christian halfheartedly invites Dani to go on a boy's trip to Sweden with his fellow anthropology students, not expecting her to join them, but alas, when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. The couple joins Josh, who is doing his thesis on midsummer festivals, Mark, who wants to party, and Pelle, who has invited the group to his ancestral commune to witness their particular version of midsummer. When they arrive, Pelle's brother immediately offers them hallucinogenic mushrooms, of which Dani reluctantly partakes. She begins to see her sister everywhere and panics, vanishing into the woods where she is discovered hours later. That should have been the end of Dani's journey; bad mushroom tripping is where I draw the line, especially if in a foreign country where everyone wears clogs, but I am not in a horror movie, although I sometimes wonder. The group meets the Hagra, who are decked out in hippie white gowns, and welcome the fresh blood to their humble community. I must applaud the filmmakers for emphasizing the communal nature of the Hagra, who seem to share emotions with one another, laughing and moaning in unison. The bucolic nature of the place is soon ruined by a ritual senicide, which freaks out a London couple. Things start going wrong then, and people disappear while Dani's grief compounds and the tension between her and Christian builds. This is a profoundly disturbing movie; I don't want to spoil everything, but there are some gruesome visions thrust upon the viewer, the aforementioned senicide being one of the worst. But Critic, I hear you asking, what does it all mean? Honestly, beats the fuck out of me. Haha! Had you! Midsommar is about killing your past to deal with grief. Dani loses her family, and so runs to the only person she has, who really doesn't want her. In the end, she is chosen by a new family, and despite her earlier trepidation, she finds solace in their embrace.

You know what makes a good horror movie, folks? Grotesque monsters and jump scares might frighten children, but a full grown man like the Critic craves thematic coherency. Give me the power of tradition, especially when that tradition demands a man be burned alive in the skinned carcass of a bear. Give me the horror of a shared consciousness, as well as the comforts it might bring. Show me how grief and catharsis can make a monster out of anyone. Do all this, and I might like your movie.

Monday, January 20, 2020

Song of Songs Remixed, Youtube Channel




I went back and replaced the monotonous drum loop that originally served as Song of Song's percussion with some proper computer drumming. Of course, it's not perfectly in time, because I actually played the drum parts through a synth, but that keeps with the spirit of the song. My stuff sounds dirty and cheap because it's recorded and played through dirty, cheap equipment. I am a dirty and cheap musician. My wife would probably say that I am a dirty and cheap human being.

I've been slowly transferring Theme Park Mistress over to Youtube. Soundcloud is full of bots and nobody listens to music anymore on it. On Youtube, I can make ugly videos in MS Paint like God intended. Google now owns my soul. I hope they make some money off of it.

Sunday, January 19, 2020

The Heart of the Thief: The Shimmering Isles


Previous Chapter: The Pursued Meet Their Pursuers

The Shimmering Isles
“You look absolutely stunning,” said Ambierce, leaning against a pillar entangled with ivy. The sun was high above, and the Galvanian heat was at its zenith, yet the overgrown garden offered cool shade and a respite from the thick humidity. A little fountain bubbled water from an underground spring, creating a pleasant ambiance, although one could no longer tell what sort of creature the fountain depicted, so worn and eroded was the bronze. If Cassilda had to guess, she would have thought it to be a dragon, for that would fit the theme of the manor, but she had a feeling that the fountain predated the previous owner and his obsession.
    “Thank you,” she replied, twirling once. The dress was black, lacy, and rather modest, but she took his compliment sincerely, as he had meant it.
    “This is your coming out party. You will dazzle the other magicians and render them speechless, which will be quite an accomplishment, I assure you. There is nothing a magician loves more than the sound of his own voice, especially when that voice is pontificating loudly.”
    “I will be dull, and no one will speak to me,” she said.
    “Nonsense. I guarantee they will speak to you. They will wish to know how such a beautiful young lady became the protegee of Ambierce Serpico, and they will insinuate all sorts of vile things behind the thin veneer of a smile, and you will shake your head and dispel their vulgar notions with a laugh and a flash of your emerald eyes.”
    “Will they test my knowledge? Will they ask me to prove my worth?”
    “Perhaps. You don’t have to do anything for them, but they may wish to know if you are more than a pretty face.”
    “I don’t have a license…”
    “You don’t need one as an apprentice, and when your training is complete, we will apply using the proper channels. My name has some weight in this country, my dear. The Baron still sends me a vintage from the Okanagan Valley every new year. So don’t worry about the Conventum. No one at the party gives a damn about them. Frankly, most reasonable magicians think them a joke.”
    “But why must I attend this party? Social functions make me nervous. I don’t know how to talk to people.”
    “That’s why you must go. Being shy never aided anyone in life, Cassilda, and you may think me to be a hypocrite, for I am, admittedly, somewhat of a recluse, but it was not always so, and I would not have all that you enjoy,” he gestured at the overgrown garden, “if I could not charm people when the situation demanded it. Besides, a magician must know her fellows. No one ever achieved anything without a little help from friends.”
    “You don’t have any friends!”
    “Not true, not true. I have friends everywhere. They never come to visit, but that’s because they know I’m a recluse, and they don’t wish to offend my delicate sensibilities. Plus, I drink too much, and say what I think, and tire of their company too quickly. Also, you may be disturbed to discover that I have something of a reputation.”
    “But what should we ride in? The carriage is missing a wheel, and I’m unsure what happened to your horses.”
    Ambierce smiled one of his enormous grins. He clicked his tongue three times and snapped his fingers, and a fluttering was heard, as though an enormous bat were making an approach. A monstrous creature landed right in the middle of the garden and stared at them with compound eyes. Its head was huge and shaggy, and its wings folded into curved leathery protrusions.
    “A mollossus,” said Ambierce proudly, “with functioning wings and a domestic disposition. Look at that saddle. Beautiful handiwork, eh? Very few people ever get the chance to fly such a creature. We shall truly be arriving in style!”
    “We are supposed to fly in the air on the back of that thing?” asked Cassilda, terror forming in her eyes. “Ambierce, I can smell it from here.”
    “The beast has a certain… musk about it which is unavoidable, I’m afraid. Fortunately, I know many spells for banishing odors from my army days. Go ahead, my lady. Mount the mollosus.”
    Cassilda frowned at his choice of words but stepped forward. The animal made a deep sound in its chest like the purring of a thousand cats. With a tentative hand, she grasped the pommel and swung her leg over the creature. Ambierce hopped behind her and clicked his tongue once. The mollossus leapt into the air, throwing her back in the saddle, causing the girl to wrap her arms around its neck and hold on for dear life. Behind her, she could hear Ambierce laughing and a terrible anger rose up briefly in her and vanished just as quickly as she looked upon the world rushing below. There was Farmer Argot’s orchards, so neatly arranged like little model trees! And there was the feed store, and the pub, and little people scurrying about like ants, so small, so tiny when viewed high above! Even the reek of the beast didn’t mitigate her joy. She looked once back at Ambierce and saw him watching her calmly, with only a trace of his smile remaining, and she realized that he knew her very well, perhaps better than she knew herself.


    In the beginning, Cassilda had a grand time. She met many elegant wizards and mages, sampled delicious food (corrugated trout from the Lis river, bison tartare), and marveled at the beautiful chandelier with its enchanted obsidian glass. She made friends quickly with the hostess, Madame Brodeur, who wore a gown of sparkling silver which amplified her steely good-looks, and who took the young apprentice by the arm and introduced her to the other guests, while Ambierce disappeared. Cassilda didn’t notice he was gone until quite some time had passed. She had a very stimulating conversation with a young mage from Zanj, who told her of a gryphon he’d captured on an expedition to the Holdt Islands off the coast of Valice. He was handsome and confident, with an aura of power that stimulated her rather interestingly, and she would have crept off to an alcove with him for a more intimate discussion if not for the rude interruption of a stranger. She was listening to the young mage’s conversation when a man in the background caught her eye. He was staring very fixedly at her, as though trying to bore through her skull with his eyes, and when her gaze met his, she found that she could not tear herself away. At first, he seemed middle-aged in appearance, but the longer she looked at him, the more she realized that his visage was a façade. Beneath a seemingly-normal exterior lay decrepitude, rot, and ruin. His skin became leathery and cracked, and the hairs of his head disappeared until only a few remained. He smiled as she stared, obviously enjoying her horror, and as he grinned his teeth turned brown and fell from his mouth. She failed at stifling a scream, and it was only Ambierce’s hand on her shoulder that broke the spell.
    “What’s wrong?” he asked.
    She looked for the man, but he was gone. Someone’s having a laugh at my expense she told herself. Regaining her composure, she smiled and tried to explain the scream.
    “I saw a spider,” Cassilda said. She felt stupid as she said it.
    “You’re not afraid of spiders,” replied Ambierce.
    “But you are afraid of the water. Of drowning, sinking helplessly beneath the waves while others look onward, unwilling to come to your aid.”
    The middle-aged man was by Ambierce’s side, staring at him with the same hostile gaze that he’d fixed on Cassilda. Up close, she could feel his energy just as she had felt that of the young mage’s, yet where his aura had been pleasing, the stranger’s was sickening. Her stomach lurched, and she had to fight the urge to vomit. Looking at Ambierce, she could tell he was experiencing the same revulsion. Who is this man and what is wrong with him she wondered.
    “Wasn’t expecting to see me, were you, old friend? Not after Valice. I still recall your protestations, your petty excuses citing our lack of authority. You questioned the loss of life, the environmental damage. It would be a blight on the consciences of wizards everywhere, I believe you said. Of course, you were right. They made the Conventum neuter our future in response to what we did in Valice. Which is why I’m surprised to discover this pleasant young thing in your company, Ambierce. I tell you, the Conventum will never grant her a license. Either you are getting her hopes up for nothing, or you are training a sorceress. He hasn’t been honest with you, has he, pretty young thing?”
    The stranger reached out a hand to touch her, but Ambierce shoved him aside, hard enough that he stumbled and fell to the ground. Everyone around them stopped speaking and watched. The stranger lay on the ground and smiled up at his attacker, beckoning towards him, welcoming the onset of fists and kicks.
    “I won’t give you the pleasure,” said Ambierce. “You’re worse than refuse, Pentos. You’re a cancer.”
    “Hear him insult me! Oh the hypocrisy! He went along with the spell as we all did, and he’s guilty by association. Yet everyone blames Zakariyah Pentos for the Calamity. All the wizards involved shrugged off the guilt and put it on Zakariyah Pentos, boogeyman, specter, devil incarnate! Isn’t that just like man to make up devils when it’s mankind who is evil, base, and stupid?”    
    “To hell with you!” screamed Ambierce. He came at Pentos, eyes smoldering, and thunder suddenly echoed through the halls, loud enough to rattle bones. Two mages grabbed his arms and restrained him; Madame Brodeur appeared and held out her hand.
       “Ambierce, what is wrong with you? Major spells are forbidden in these halls. Who are you screaming at? Are you ill?”
    Ambierce looked astonished. Where the man had been, there was no one. At the time, Cassilda didn’t understand why Pentos couldn’t have cast an invisibility spell, but she later learned that such magics did not render the caster invisible to the eyes of another wizard.
    They left the party soon after, embarrassed, confused, and disturbed.


    Cassilda stirred from the recollection and yawned. She was tired and depressed, still grieving for Josun, still burnt out from her exertions during the escape from Beaune. The cabin of the airship was small, cold, and utterly lacking privacy. Fergal and the Thief mulled about, staring out of windows at the passing scenery, while Callimachus busied herself with instruments, futilely trying to chart their position. The sorceress looked down at the sea and knew where they were heading. The zeppelin, it turned out, had a damaged stabilizer, and was unable to turn north with any consistency. No matter how Callimachus steered them, the airship inevitably continued south-east.
    “Blast it, I can’t fix it!” complained the Professor, slumping in the captain’s chair. “We need to land so that I can work on the stabilizer, yet there is nothing but water for all the eye can see.”
    “It is terrifying to see nothing but water beneath you. I miss the trees and their canopy, the darkness of the thicket, and the chorus of the insects at night,” said Fergal. “Why was I forced to come along on this journey?”
    “We were all tricked, yes, even you, Professor, yet there’s no use complaining about it now,” said the Thief. “It is useless to argue with fate. I wish I were in the arms of a plump woman of low standing, with a half-full bottle of wine at my feet, and the warmth of a hearth at my back, yet fate has kept me with the sorceress, who desires the heart beating at my breast, and I know now that no promise of gold will end my quest, for the witch’s desires are my own.”
    He took the Heart from his coat pocket and held it in his hands like a supplicant, and they all watched with wonder the gleaming organ pulsate.
    “My, is that artificial?” asked Callimachus. “It looks as though it is flesh. Have you had that in your pocket all this time?”
    “Look down there. Land,” said Cassilda, pointing out the window.
    They saw an island in the restless sea. A great peak rose out of the mist like the bony finger of a giant protruding from the depths. As they approached, they saw a rocky shore littered with the broken wrecks of dozens of ships. A piercing wail cut through the fog and a flock of birds scattered past the zeppelin, nearly flying through the windows. Despite the ominous mood, Callimachus began lowering the vessel, aiming for a section of beach that looked clear. They were all quite astonished when they cleared the mist and discovered a port town lying below them. There were figures standing on the docks, staring at the zeppelin as it sank towards the beach, and they remained standing in place like statues as the airship landed and Callimachus threw the ladder down.
    “There are no towers to tie off to, and I have no knowledge of the local lords,” said Callimachus. “How will I be sure that they will not ransack my airship?”
    “They don’t look too eager to move at the moment,” replied the Thief. “Likely they have never seen such a marvel and think it to be the product of high sorcery. You probably have nothing to worry about.”
    “What was the terrible shrieking we heard on approach? Perhaps I should stay here,” said Fergal.
    “Come Fergal, you will be much safer with us. I think I know where we are,” said Cassilda.
    “Pray tell, where are we?” asked the Professor.
    “The Shimmering Isles. The Land of the Dead.”
    They sauntered down the beach and climbed up on the docks, which were rotten and missing many wooden planks. They did not look closely at the immobile figures standing on petrified posts; instinct told them to ignore these entities, who seemed lifeless. A decrepit shack stood behind the wharf, and with a little hesitation, they passed through its swinging doors. There were few patrons in the dimly-lit place, and some were as catatonic as the sentries outside, their bony hands gripped around their beer mugs as though they had been frozen for centuries. An ancient pirate stood behind the bar, his head leaning on his fist, a tricorn hat covering his face. Upon his faded blue jacket, a small lizard slept, its head nestled under its wings.
    “Fergal, go order a beer,” said the Thief, slapping him on the back.
    “Shussh! Everyone in here is either dead or close to it. I do not wish to wake anyone that shouldn’t be awoken.”
    “These people are likely suffering from the effects of a terrible plague,” explained the Professor. “We probably should be covering our mouths. I will see if the barman is lucid.”
    She approached, stepping softly as though she were creeping through the lair of several hibernating bears. The bar surface was littered with broken mugs and dust. On the mantel a shark’s jaws hung, its triangular teeth as large as a man’s hand. Callimachus cleared her throat and hoped that the barman would stir. He did not.
    “Excuse me, bar master?” she asked quietly. The lizard on his shoulder twitched, but neither figure moved further.
    “Slap his arm,” whispered the Thief. Callimachus glared back at him, but she bent forward and gingerly touched the barman’s arm. This time the lizard drew back its wings and blinked its black eyes. The reptile surveyed them silently, its forked tongue darting out every so often, and Callimachus had the impression that it was intelligent as well as unfriendly, so she did not extend her hand again, for fear of being bitten.
    “Sir? May I ask you a question?” she said, a little louder than before. The lizard hissed through teeth, and Callimachus stepped back.
    “Are you dead or not?” yelled the Thief. The barman woke with a shudder, dust flying off his blue jacket. The lizard leapt off his shoulder and swept over their heads and went out the door. Callimachus was about to mutter an apology when her voice died in her throat. The barman’s face was shriveled as though he’d been mummified, and his skin was a dead, purplish-black color. Between desiccated lips, a few golden teeth remained. There were no eyeballs in his skull’s sockets, yet there was a strange, reddish light glowing within, as though two faint candles were burning.
    “Ehh?” he asked in a rough tenor. The breath that came from his mouth reeked of mold and putrefaction.
    “So, so sorry,” mumbled Callimachus, tripping over a bar stool, prompting the Thief to catch her before she fell.
    “Foreigners, I see. We haven’t had any in a while, not since the last shipwreck. That might have been fifty years ago, I don’t know. The way my tongue feels, I think it might have been a hundred.”
    The barman bent down, groaned, and removed a bottle from beneath the counter. He knocked off all the broken glasses from the bar surface and took four intact glasses and halfheartedly polished them with a mold-spotted rag that he produced from a coat pocket. Nodding at the company, he uncorked the bottle and poured each of them a drink, after which he threw back his head and drained the bottle, greedily swallowing the liquid. When he slammed the bottle down on the bar, his face looked a little fresher and the light in his eyes brightened.
    “What, are you afraid of me? Nobody comes here by accident. Maybe an ill-wind pushed your vessel against the rocks, yet I assure you that nobody comes to the Land of the Dead who is not meant to come. In days of old, heroes would land on these shores to venture to the Underworld. Some wished to raise the dead. Others wanted to find a cure for the Corruption. There were a few who had enough courage to face the winged terror that lives in the Emerald City. Hah, more than a few. None of them ever returned, not that I can remember. Many of us abandoned our quests and set up shop and tried to continue the best we could. We are all stricken, you see. The Corruption roams this land, for the Corruption is death, and death will claim everything, even heroes and gods. You best all come here and have yourselves a drink. It will put off the sickness for a while, and you won’t find yourself becoming a walking corpse.”

    “What are we drinking?” asked Fergal, who had approached the bar and tentatively grasped a glass.
    The barman looked at him for a while and then smiled a nearly toothless grin.
    “What do you think? Ambrosia? Nectar? Hah, it’s vintage swill, you little fool, made in a galley two-hundred years ago and still just as full of fire as it was back in those days. Booze keeps the Corruption at bay.”
    They all had a drink. Callimachus could not stop staring at the ghoulish bartender, though she looked away whenever he turned his attention towards her. Cassilda sipped the drink and brooded. The Thief felt the Heart beat mightily against his chest.
    “We need to enter the Underworld,” said the sorceress quietly. She placed her glass back on the bar and looked at the bartender.
    “Of course you do, miss. Why else would you be here? You won’t turn back so early, no, I can tell from looking at you that you’re a driven woman, one whose soul is full of life and vigor. Every day you spend here, you’ll feel it slithering out of you, the fire that burns in your heart, Rankar’s Gift. I don’t have much left inside. Another year or two and I’ll be like those fellows on the dock. The madness hasn’t taken them yet. Someone ought to hack them to pieces before they become dangerous.”
    “It is not our fate to become Lilu,” said Cassilda. “How do I get to the Underworld?”
    “Well you could try to find it yourselves,” replied the barman, fiddling underneath the bar for another bottle, “but I would recommend a guide, for these isles are full of things that one would not wish to meet, though it don’t matter much if you’re going to the Underworld, because there are worse things down there.”
    “What kinds of things?” asked Fergal.
    “Dead things. Things that shouldn’t be and yet are. Demons, monsters, and creatures without names. Archaea is where Rankar fell when he died, and his fall opened a hole between worlds. Those that prowl the Emerald City are incomprehensible. Your mind will break if you see them, and if it doesn’t, you’ll wish it had.”
    “Where do we hire a guide?” asked Cassilda, her face stolid.
    “You can hire one from me if you have the right currency,” said the barman.
    “What do you need of money?” asked the sorceress.
    “Money is useless to me. Booze is not. Youthful flesh is also something we wish to enjoy, for obvious reasons.”
    He leered at them all and reached out a bony hand.
    “Come, take it. Preferably one of the women, but I’m not picky at this point. Let me feel your flesh for a half hour, no more, and I’ll find you a guide to take you to the Underworld.”
    “I have a bottle of spiced Zanj rum under my workbench,” said Callimachus, the look of disgust plain on her face. “Fergal, if you would be so kind as to fetch it…”
    “Would it be so terrible to let me touch your flesh, my dear? I am a thing clinging to life just like you. These hands were once as firm, strong, and smooth as your own; once my mouth had a full set of teeth, and there were eyes in the sockets of my skull. If I offer you a graveyard kiss, who are you to brush it away? You will be like me someday, a festering mass of decaying flesh and petrified bone, and when the earth calls to you, what will you say to it? The flame is a tremulous, fragile spirit. It burns bright in youth and dims to almost nothing in old age. I keep the embers stoked, and I ask that you help me as you would any man lying broken in a ditch, begging for mercy. Come with me to the corner here and let your youth soak from your skin…”
    “There’s also this flask of Beaune brandy I’m prepared to offer you,” said Callimachus, slamming the bottle down in front of the barman. She turned to Cassilda, and as their eyes locked there was an emotional exchange that was difficult to define, although they understood each other.
    “Fine,” said the barman, disappointment spreading on his face. “I had to try, you understand? Don’t hold it against me, hah.”
    He took a bottle and placed it under the bar and then tottered past them towards the dock, his steps small and shaky, as though his legs were about to collapse. When he reached the dock, he stood there and stared past the beach at the looming forest beyond and took a small bell and hammer from his jacket and struck the bell three times. Then he put the bell and hammer back in his jacket and returned to the bar to sit and partake in a glass of Beaune brandy.
    “He’ll be coming,” said the barman, savoring the brandy with obvious relish.
    “Like a dog to a dinner bell,” muttered the Thief.
    The bartender heard his comment and gave him a look that the Thief didn’t like at all.
    “Why don’t you go outside and meet him? The sight of your young flesh awakens longings that I must fight to suppress. So do me a favor and remove yourselves from the premises.”
    “What’s the name of our guide?” asked Cassilda, lingering at the doorway.
    “Peter,” said the barman. “Or Reginald. It will be one or the other.”
    “Splendid,” said Cassilda, joining the others on the dock. “Does anyone else have the feeling that we are being taken advantage of?”
    “The thought of that… thing touching me,” murmured Callimachus, shuddering. “What a dreadful place this is. Do you think that we are infected with that plague he spoke of? We should board the zeppelin and take our chances on the open seas.”
    Something loped across the sand towards them, a short creature with an enormous head and long, ape-like arms. It stopped a distance away to observe, its enormous eyes blinking in the sunlight. It was clad in tattered rags, though it wore a necklace around its neck. As it warily approached, they could see that the necklace was made of small finger bones.
    “Are you Peter?” asked Cassilda. It still stood about ten paces away.
    “Reginald,” it responded, after a moment’s silence.
    “Will you show us the way to the Underworld?”
    “Peter will show you,” it said, waving a hand to bid them come.
    “Who is Peter?” asked the sorceress.
    “I am Peter. Who are you? And you? And you?”
    He stared at Fergal for a second and then galloped on all fours to the company, stopping right before Fergal, his face inches away.
    “You look familiar. Who was your grandmother?”
    “Why… Francesca Dormoir,” replied the Aiv, baffled.
    “A big lady. Liked to swing a stick very hard and crack it against one’s skull.”
    “I don’t see how you could have possibly known my grandmother.”
    “Cousins. The Fionnabhair branch.”
    “The Fionnabhair branch? I don’t have the slightest idea what you’re talking about,” said Fergal, his face reddening.
    “Remember Stony? He liked to pick his toes in the Bon-Bon. Ate fish with a fig stick.”
    “I assure you that have never known anyone with the name of ‘Stony’ who liked to pick his toes. I would not associate with such riff-raff,” replied Fergal, puffing up. “Frankly, sir, you are insulting me by implying such familiarity. I ask that you cease with your impossible narrative and guide us on our way.”
    “Stony didn’t like you very much,” said Peter, who was at first Reginald. Fergal looked as though he was about to start screaming.
    “Fergal, don’t argue with your long-lost cousin,” said the Thief. “It’s impolite.”
    “Fabricating stories is impolite! We are a thousand miles at least from Mawlden Forest. How could I have a relation in the Shimmering Isles? No Huldufolk ever sailed the seas, not to my knowledge.”
    “What do you know? What do you know?” asked Peter. He peered at Fergal with his enormous white eyes and wagged a finger at him.
    “Why, I certainly know a great deal more than you, I’m sure!”
    “You use names that you do not know the meaning of. You are lost inside your head. Foggy-brained, empty-eared. Sad-sack remnant of better times. What do you know of this country? It is older than you, far older. Little fat fleshy-thing. Follow on your legs and speak not unless bidden, or there will be no journey to the Underworld.”
    No one said anything else for a while as Peter led them off the beach and into a dense forest. Fergal, who had only an hour or two before lamented the lack of a canopy over his head, felt uneasy in the woods. The trees were not healthy things; their bark was sloughing off and dark fungi stained the dead wood. The canopy was constructed not of thickly-foliated branches but of interwoven limbs locked together like arms entangled in a mob. The further they journeyed, the larger the trees became, until they were walking amongst petrified trunks as wide as six men. Fergal looked up and saw craggy branches stretching towards the sky, seeming to pierce the mottled clouds. Thickets grew between the massive trunks, dead tangles of brier and stunted saplings. A mist crept through the forest, sliding around the trees, shrouding the depths and preventing anyone from seeing ahead. There was no chirping of insects nor chatter of birds. The only sounds were their footsteps and the occasional snap heard deep within the forest.
    “This wood is haunted,” said the Thief in a whisper to Cassilda.
    “They hear us and walk beside us, yet we cannot see them, not anymore,” replied Peter. “Stay with me, stay on the path.”
    They listened to him and continued until he bade them stop at a ruined archway halfway up a steep hill. The ruin was slowly falling off the hillside into a deep valley below, and though it offered little protection from the elements, Peter indicated that they should huddle down and rest for the night. Looking down into the valley, there seemed to be nothing below but thorns and pockets of mist, and Fergal felt even more uneasy settling against the ancient stones.
    “Sleep you will under the holy protection of Alamas,” said their guide, pointing to a statue that they had mistaken initially for a stone. Cassilda summoned her firefly to illuminate the statue, revealing a slender figure, with doe eyes and elongated ears.
     “Will she protect us against the ghosts?” asked Fergal.
    The guide avoided his gaze, but a slight smile revealed jagged teeth.
    “You do not believe in ghosts, do you?” asked Callimachus. “This country is strange, and this environ desolate, and your fear of the unknown exacerbates superstition. There are rational explanations for everything, keep in mind. Nothing is impossible to explain, not when one approaches the problem with a scientific mind. I, for one, would love to know if any botanist has ever seen the like of these titanic trees. They must be hundreds of years old to attain such lofty heights.”
    The Thief gave Callimachus a look of disbelief.
    “You sit here with a sorceress who just conjured light from nothingness. You witnessed the walking dead in Beaune, and you spoke with a talking corpse just hours ago. We sit in a forest haunted by ghosts, and all you can talk about is how we should put our faith in science. What good is science in the Shimmering Isles? How does science explain the Heart that beats against my chest?”
    “You misunderstand me, Thief,” said Callimachus, leaning against stone and staring up at the treetops. “I’m not saying that I personally can explain all of those magical feats you mentioned. I’m saying that one day they will be explicable, because this a rational world we live in, one with clearly set rules that must be followed. Indeed, in the Republic there are people working on a theory of magic, though I’m sure they’ll have trouble getting through the state censors. Some in Vaalbara would prefer to believe that magic does not exist. But what we call magic is just another feature of Pannotia. People such as Cassilda can harness extradimensional energies. How that process works I cannot tell you. Perhaps it’s a genetic mutation that evolved through an unknown selective process. The study of genetics is in its infancy, but we will know more, and things once thought unknowable will become explicable, and the march of human progress will go on, with no foreseeable limit.”
    “So you do not believe in forbidden knowledge,” said the Thief.
    “I think that the brain is a marvelous organ capable of understanding almost anything. As a Capetian, perhaps you do not comprehend how far we’ve come. Only the wealthiest parts of your city have installed electrical generators. Firearms are not standard issue to your army, and most of your ships use sails rather than steam engines. In Vaalbara we have a railway system that takes us between states. Horseless carriages are a common sight in the capital. We can even speak to each other across vast distances using radio communicators. I have no doubt that we will surpass all these technologies as our understanding increases. One generation builds upon the next. You Capetians and Galvanians, mired in your Old World sorceries, will inevitably be left behind, and it will be left to us to bring you up to speed.”
    “Hey, where’s Peter?” asked Cassilda.
    “He was here just a moment before, I know because I can still smell his reek,” said Fergal.
    “Well we can’t have him wandering off. I don’t trust him. I cannot read his mind, but I sense a certain amount of malevolence directed towards us, comparable to the sort of generalized contempt a cat feels for a mouse. I could put a tracking spell on him. The… ghosts or spirits or whatever they are would likely interfere with such magic, however.”
    “I’ll find him,” said the Thief. “Fergal, come with me, you’re the only person I’ve ever met that’s nearly as quiet as I am. You ladies stay here. Witch, take this.”
    The Thief took the Heart from his pocket and placed it in Cassilda’s hands.
    “Why, Master Thief, are you beginning to trust me?” asked the sorceress.
    “No. I just want you to feel guilty if something happens to us.”

Next Chapter: The Wizards Left Behind

Friday, January 17, 2020

Retro Review: Jedi Knight: Dark Forces 2


Man, this was the game of my adolescence (along with Half-Life and Unreal Tournament). A Star Wars first person shooter with lightsaber combat and force powers? Hell yeah! Hanging out on the MS Gaming Zone and running through Canyon Oasis, dropping landmines while on Force Speed was a hell of a time. I played the single player campaign a million times, and I even had the Prima strategy guide (remember strategy guides?). Due to the excellence of Jedi: Fallen Order, I was interested in going back and seeing to what extent my memories matched reality.

The first roadblock was getting Dark Forces 2 running on a modern operating system. I have both the GOG version and the Steam version, but the GOG version actually runs out of the box (there are no boxes anymore!), although 3d acceleration didn't work. Back in the day, folks, such graphical options such as texture smoothing and 16 bit color were exclusive to users sporting add-in cards made by 3DFX and Nvidia. I had to download a mod to get 3d acceleration, although the newest version of said mod had missing textures, and it was only after downloading an older version that I got the game to work. The glorious FMV cutscenes, however, I never got working smoothly, for they'd stutter out after about thirty seconds.

Jedi Knight: Dark Forces 2 puts you in the shoes of Kyle Katarn, an expanded universe mash-up of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker, and originally the guy who stole the Death Star plans before Rogue One came out. You watch a blurry FMV cutscene to learn that Kyle is searching for the man who murdered his father (Star Wars tropes!), who is revealed to be a Dark Jedi named Jerc. Kyle now has an excuse to visit various locales while pursuing Jerc's Dark Jedi, their ultimate destination being the Valley of the Jedi, a Jedi graveyard holding unlimited power! (said in ol' Palp's voice). The acting is cheesy, but it's not terrible, and although the plot is fairly bare-bones, it's pretty good stuff for the time. Remember, Doom and Quake had almost no story at all. Kyle starts off in Nar Shaddaa, armed with his trusty blaster pistol and no force abilities or lightsaber to speak of. You go a whole three levels before you get a hold of your jedi tools, but Dark Forces 2 is a fairly competent fps. The E-11 stormtrooper rifle is fast firing but inaccurate; your pistol is slow but can hit the broad side of a barn, and you also get thermal detonators to awkwardly lob as grenades. Eventually Kyle will get the wookie bowcaster, which can be charged to fire as many as five bolts at once, as well as the Imperial repeater, a machine-gun like weapon, and the rail detonator, a rocket launcher. Rounding out the arsenal are land mines, which are completely worthless in single player, and the concussion rifle, which fires a huge blast of ionized air and serves as a less aim demanding alternative to the rail launcher. It's a decent arsenal, although the bowcaster is useless once you get the repeater, and the thermal detonators are so hard to throw you probably won't use them after the first few levels. Dark Forces 2 also features some weird movement; you can run a million miles per hour, a la Quake, but you side strafe and back up much slower, which is realistic but makes circle strafing a little slower than I'd like. I played on Hard difficulty, and it was difficult to avoid being hit by blaster shots.


Die Greedo, you son of a bitch.

The enemy design is classic Star Wars, with you facing off against three-eyed Grans (who are goddamn annoyingly accurate with their lobbed grenades), Rodians, Gammorrean pig men, Trandoshan bounty hunters, Grave Tuskens, and the required assortment of Imperial troops and droids, along with a few monsters such as Kratt Dragons and giant wasps. Dark Forces 2's biggest problem is that it has you facing off against the same enemy types for several levels in a row. In the Nar Shaddaa levels, you fight Grans and Rodians exclusively, with a few pig men thrown in. The enemy AI is pretty much limited to standing around and shooting at you. Sometimes, enemies won't even open doors, which makes the land mines useless. What saves the game is the level design, which is incredibly vast and vertical. There are levels in Jedi Knight longer than entire games. The vastness of Nar Shaddaa is permanently etched in my memory and is probably my definitive Star Wars experience. The Into Dark Palace level is massive, with huge AT-ST walkers patrolling a complex of bridges surrounding a skyscraper full of stormtroopers and laser turrets. You are given no direction, no magic arrow marker pointing you to your destination. Back in the 90's, games trusted you to find your own way through them. It's a design ethos that's been abandoned to avoid frustration, and although there are frustrating parts in Dark Forces 2 (setting the acid level in the fueling station level comes to mind), more often than not I was thrilled to find my way through its vast environments.
Just keep circle strafing until she's dead.

The lightsaber combat is the weakest part of the game. The green (or yellow) glow stick is basically a baseball bat; you have a fast attack and a strong attack, and that's it. Kyle can't string any combos together, and there's an annoyingly long delay after swinging before you can attack again. Most Jedi boss fights boil down to circle strafing and wacking their backside before they can turn to defend themselves. Kyle will block blaster bolts, but he'll let quite a few slip through, making the lightsaber impractical to use against ranged enemies until you get Force Protection. The Force powers are better implemented. 2/3s of the way through the game, you will be turned to either the light or dark side of the force depending on whether or not you've callously destroyed bystander NPCs like civilians or droids. The lightside powers are the best bet: Heal and Force Protection are required on Hard difficulty. Dark side powers are movie accurate but useless against anybody except Dark Jedi, since you have your arsenal to mow down stormtroopers. Some powers break the AI, however; if you Force Pull a stormtrooper's weapon away, he'll run around like a chicken with his head cut off and make no attempt to pick up his weapon. Force Protection is a blaster-proof shield that makes it too easy to mow down troopers. Blinding and Persuasion serve the same purpose, and Force Absorb is completely useless.

Altogether, Jedi Knight: Dark Forces 2 is worth playing for its level design as long as you're willing to put up with some old school shooter wonkiness. I found that my memory was a little kinder to it than it deserved. Still, it's a classic Star Wars game, and it's interesting to compare it to Fallen Order. It's only a few bucks on Good Old Games.

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Albums That Made Me: The Downward Spiral


I think it was 1998 when I purchased the Downward Spiral, ushering in a brief period where I wore all black and combat boots exclusively. Fourteen-year old me thought the aforementioned album was the evilest thing ever (it was recorded in the house where Sharon Tate was murdered, so yeah, that's pretty evil.). This is a nihilist piece of art, a cyborg construction, vocals, guitars, and keyboards manipulated by cold, unfeeling technology into unrecognizable cacophony. Mr. Self-Destruct starts with a repeated gunshot (actually a loop of a man being beaten from the movie THX 1138) that transforms into a drum machine while Reznor sings "I am the voice inside your head and I control you," the end result being a song seemingly designed to appeal to disaffected teenagers. The lyrics might be the stuff you scrawled in notebooks and then buried, but there are a lot of interesting ideas in the music. Take the drum and bass of Piggy, the minimalism supported by Reznor's whispering croon. Closer was the big pop hit (only in the 90's could a song with the chorus "I want to fuck you like an animal" become a pop hit), with its heartbeat drum loop and increasingly layered complexity. There are a few songs that don't hold up like Big Man With A Big Gun, a supposed gangsta rap parody, but most of the material is still great, like A Warm Place, which predicts the instrumental direction Reznor would later explore. Still an album I listen to today, although I usually skip a couple of the more nihilistic tracks, since I don't need any nihilism in my life (no one needs nihilism in their life).

Monday, January 13, 2020

The Heart of the Thief: The Pursued Meet Their Pursuers


Previous Chapter: The Necromancer

The Pursued Meet Their Pursuers
Cassilda smiled with satisfaction as her firefly burned through the grotesque soldiers, depriving them of limbs, heads, or intact torsos. She knew little of necromancy and had feared that the undead soldiers would require a special solution, some eldritch knowledge that Ambierce had never taught her, but her suspicions were unfounded, for bodies made of flesh and blood still retained mortal weaknesses whether their original owners inhabited them or not. She watched as Josun embedded his spear in the torso of a guard the firefly had missed. The Thief came to his aid and thrust a knife into the creature’s skull, but it still groped awkwardly, flailing about and making terrible noises. Witnessing the results of his companion’s combat and realizing his own inadequacies, Fergal scurried beneath a cart and tried not to draw attention to himself. Crouching beside the same cart, Callimachus pulled out a pistol and shot several rounds into a soldier with no effect. I must do more thought Cassilda, so she let the firefly roam and cast a shield over her companions strong enough to deflect several arrows. Blood began to leak from her nostrils and pain drummed in her head. What did Ambierce say about pain? Some triteness about weakness leaving the body. How she missed his petty advice and pretentious mannerisms. Careful. If you fall too far into the past, you’ll become part of it. He had said that as well, though she wasn’t sure if he was the original author or if he’d read it somewhere. A face suddenly leered at her, its broken jaw dangling from thin strings of flesh. She flicked her hand and emitted just enough force to throw the undead thing into a pile of bricks. Magic had its limits, and she was pushing her own, summoning energy from deep places, the depths that every mage was warned about, the dark vales and wells which bound matter together, what the physicists called the strong force. Dip too far into it and a magician could lose control, unleashing enough energy to level everything in the immediate vicinity. She wiped the blood from her nose and took control of the firefly, steering it towards an archer sniping from a parapet. After he had been deprived of his skull, she released the shield and slumped against the wall, watching with bated breath as her companions fought to dispatch the last few soldiers. After all, what are they good for if they can’t defend a weary witch? Josun and the Thief struggled to hold a squirming undead as Callimachus lit her blow torch and immolated the creature, which was released to wobble off down the street, howling in an unearthly clamor. Fergal appeared and peeled Cassilda off the wall, and they set off after Callimachus, who pointed at the zeppelin hovering low in the sky. What if they turn the trebuchets on us thought the sorceress, but she didn’t deign to ask. The Professor seemed to be a haughty woman, and Cassilda was naturally inclined to disagree with someone of that nature, and the last thing they needed was an argument. Living soldiers now filled the courtyard, but they seemed disinterested in the motley company and instead turned their attentions to a large skirmish raging further down the street, unfortunately right beneath the zeppelin. I’m sure they’ll be polite enough to step aside so that we can board the airship thought the sorceress, grimacing. Her firefly danced along, leaving shimmering green particles in its wake.
    “Stop,” said Callimachus, and they all did, including Cassilda, to her surprise.
    “We can’t just stand here gawking,” complained the Thief. “The victor will likely turn on us.”
    “It’ll be the Capetians,” said Cassilda. “Those are Medjay warriors decapitating those poor Beaune boys. I’m afraid my firefly will be no help against them.”
    The witch was correct; the Medjay pushed through as a solid block of scuta, knocking the soldiers to the ground, where they were quickly dispatched with a few downward thrusts of the shield. A voice was heard over the raucous sounds of battle, and a brawny man emerged at the forefront of the phalanx, a zweihander leaning on his shoulder, dripping with blood. His face, broad and ugly, was contorted with rage; he pointed upward at the zeppelin and shook his fist at it, as though his anger could will it down from the sky. Another man, lean and goateed, pointed at ropes tethered to a parapet and began to walk down the road, seeking an entrance to the tower. He stopped when he saw the company, a look of recognition flashing across his evil face. Even though Jekkar Firenze had only seen a spectral image of Cassilda summoned at the end of a séance, he immediately recognized the beautiful sorceress. A buzzing in his sinuses indicated the presence of a powerful magic user, so the assassin barred his arms together and cast a ward to reflect any spell. From his belt he took two throwing knifes and held them in each hand. His sharp movements barely registered, and the knives soared through the air, with only a quick snap of Cassilda’s fingers saving the lives of the Thief and Josun. Both blades landed harmlessly before the feet of the men, prompting a sharp intake of breath from Fergal, who was hiding behind the barbarian’s legs. The assassin smiled a hideous grin, too wide and too full of chipped teeth. He took out his sword and shouted behind him, and soon the whole contingent of Medjay were marching forward.
    “Stop!” yelled Callimachus, and she produced a small ribbed device which she held up above her head.
    “I am Rhea Callimachus, an agent of the Vaalbarian Social Republic, licensed weapons dealer and friend of Beaune. Here in my hand is a detonator capable of incinerating every person within a four-hundred yard radius. My finger is on the primer, and I am inclined to toss this explosive in the direction of your troop if you do not clear the way and let us ascend to my zeppelin. Any man who seeks to detain myself or my companions shall earn the enmity of the Vaalbaran States, and furthermore risks the degradation of diplomatic relations between their country and my own. I am warning you: stand aside.”
    “That’s a nice speech,” said the big man with the zweihander, “but I did not cleave skulls and wade through blood to be restrained by mere words. I am Silas Amaro of the Capetian Secret Service, and that witch and her scarred accomplice have stolen Capetian property, as you well know. Doubtlessly you wish to carry the Heart of Rankar away in your airship to the North, where it will serve your masters’ imperial ambitions. Well, I must have it back, along with the persons of Cassilda and whatever you call the other one. Drop the ruse, Northron. Even if you are willing to throw your bomb, be sure my Medjay possess the reflexes and aim to knock your little present out of the air to fall at your feet. You don’t have to die. Just give us the thieves.”
    “No, she doesn’t have to die and neither do you, Amaro!” said Cassilda. “What use is the Heart of Rankar to you? It’s a relic that was hidden in a tomb inaccessible to anyone, the Priesthood and the Duke included! What practical use does it have to the Capetian Secret Service? Would anyone know the difference between the real Heart and a forgery? I swear to you that I’m not in league with Vaalbara or Galvania or any secret cabal conjured up by your imagination! Hell, I’ll even give it back to you when I’m done with it. Let us part ways without any spilled blood, and we’ll arrange a date and time to rendezvous. Here, my knife is in my hand. I will give my blood and make a binding pact promising to return the Heart of Rankar. What do you say?”
    “You know, witch, I agree with you about the Heart,” replied Amaro, his blood-stained face forming a smile. “It is useless as far as I can understand. The Cult claims the fate of the world is tied to the damn thing, but I don’t believe in religion, and I think they’re a bunch of prattling morons. But I’m a climber of ladders, woman, and my ambitions are high. There’s plenty of glory to be won in stealing the Heart of Rankar from the clutches of a cabal, one that’s likely to include the High Priest himself! Anyways, this errand has spiraled out of control, and there’s one inevitable conclusion. Do you know that I slew General Merovech simply because I lost my temper? I have not behaved as an agent of the Capetian government should behave! An intelligence officer does not beat down doors when they are closed; he sneaks around and finds someone to open them. Yet I have busted down the gate and more than one-hundred men lie dead in this castle. You’re appealing to me with reason. I want you to know that such arguments are useless, for my choices have been made for me, and I am doomed to play my part. So let us conclude with our discourse. We need to proceed to the final act.”


    The Medjay leapt forward, their heavy shields clanking, spears aimed at the company. Callimachus was about to throw her grenade when she found herself being pulled backward by an invisible hand. The explosive flew from her grasp as though hurled by a catapult; the Medjay reacted, thrusting their shields down and huddling behind them as the explosion tore through the air. Josun howled as shrapnel wounded his right arm, but most of the damage afflicted the Medjay, whose ranks were decimated. Body parts fell from the sky like hail; an entire arm landed before Fergal, who howled and ran in terror. The Thief dived behind a pile of bricks and cracked his head. Cassilda stood before the carnage, a defiant smile on her face, hands glowing with emerald fire. She watched as Silas Amaro pushed himself up from the earth, shaking his head. Blood poured from his ears—his eardrums had been ruptured by the blast—but he was otherwise unharmed. The zweihander lay in between the sorceress and himself.
    “Can you hear me, you fool?” taunted the sorceress. “What good is the magical resistance of your mutants now? I see a few staggering in the background with lame limbs and missing eyes. Let them come: I will kill them with shards of wood or bits of rubble. Josun, my knight, come here and release this scoundrel from his misery, for I cannot be bothered to, for he is a nuisance.”
    Josun staggered forth, his lame arm dangling uselessly at his side, and picked up the sword.
    “I cannot slay him lying there unarmed,” he said, turning the sword over in his hand. He looked at Cassilda and then back at Amaro, who shook his head like a dog.
    “You cannot?” she asked, nearly whispering the words.
    “I will not,” he said, before throwing the sword to Amaro. He bent down and picked up a broken spear, and thus armed, stared back at his opponent.
    “Come die a warrior’s death and perhaps someone will remember your name.”
    Amaro charged, the zweihander raised with both hands. Josun deftly moved aside, tossing out his foot as he did so, and Silas sprawled forward on top of his sword. The spy master howled but quickly stood up, his face dripping with blood. Behind him, a Medjay warrior approached, dragging his broken leg. Cassilda knocked him down with a stone, but like Amaro, he returned to his feet. She was just about to launch another stone when a knife whistled through the air, slicing the top of her left ear, and Firenze was upon her, his fist connecting with her skull.
    “Cur!” yelled Josun, turning his attention to the assassin. Amaro made his move, swinging downward with the big sword; its tip tore through the front of the barbarian’s shirt, leaving a red slash, but the barbarian spun away and countered with his spear, embedding it in the spy master’s throat. Amaro’s eyes widened; he looked upward in amazement, gasped, and fell over, blood gushing from his neck.
    “You have drawn the blood of a warrior, and so I have granted you a good death,” Josun said, before turning to Firenze. “You, coward, shall not have the same privilege.”
    “I don’t need it,” he said. He had his arm around Cassilda, with a knife at her throat. “Step away, or the witch bleeds. Where’s that fucking wizard at? Dazbog! Come out of whatever hole you’re hiding in.”
    “So it was Dazbog who raised the dead and begun this gruesome slaughter,” said Cassilda. “That explains much. He bewitched your boss and has likely been playing your whole troop like marionettes. Who is going to pay you? The necromancer? Certainly not Amaro, who lies dead on the ground.”
    “You are going to pay in Capetia after the Inquisitors have nailed your body to the Tree of Misfortune, harlot. What good will your magic be then? Medjay, come forth, and take this sorceress by her hands. We’ll drag her back ourselves, without Amaro or the necromancer.”
    Two of the Medjay stumbled forward on broken knees. Josun picked up Amaro’s sword with one hand, his face contorted with pain. Callimachus stood with an empty pistol pointed at the Medjay, who ignored her.
    “You,” said Firenze, pointing at Callimachus, “will take us on that zeppelin to Capetia where the Duke’s gold awaits. There’s no reason for you to have any loyalty to these thieving scum. A ragtag bunch of losers destined for the gallows! I recognize the type, having kept company with such folk. You’re smart, aren’t you, woman? Along with myself, you could be a hero. This woman has the heart of a god on her, does she not?”
    Firenze stuck his hand down Cassilda’s shirt while digging the knife into her neck. Josun swung the zweihander at the closest Medjay, who dodged and then used a gauntlet to grab hold of the blade. With superhuman strength, the mutant tore the sword out of the barbarian’s grasp and then plunged the blade into his guts.
    “There goes your champion, witch!” spat Firenze. He had slipped a pair of adamant cuffs on Cassilda, and he pushed her towards the other Medjay. She tried to run, but the long arm of the mutant reached out and pulled her close.
    “A life for a life. Amaro was a bastard, but he always gave me good work. Come now, let’s go to the zeppelin. Call it down for us, Northron. If I know anything, I know it isn’t wise to linger around a massacre.”
    A rock bounced off Firenze’s skull, causing him to stagger. A second stone busted the assassin’s lip. The third hit his right eye, breaking the skin beneath it. The dazed and bleeding mercenary peeked behind raised hands and saw a defiant, incensed Fergal.
    “Killer! Mangler of men! Louse! Ratfink!” he babbled. Firenze flicked something at him, and suddenly his speech slowed, along with his movements, until he stopped talking and fell over, immobilized.
    “Nice spell, eh witch? You’re not the only conjurer. Let me step over here and put a knife in that little freak’s back, and we’ll be on our merry way.”
     Lightning cracked the sky, splintering the heavens. A cold wind blew through the courtyard, rustling the lying figures of the dead. Bloody hands reached out and seized the ankles of Firenze and the Medjay, pulling them to the ground. The mutants stabbed with their spears, but eventually the hands of the dead seized their throats and wrung the twisted life from their bodies. Cassilda tore herself free from the grasp of the assassin and watched dispassionately as he was strangled. She looked back towards the castle walls and saw the silhouette of a figure standing atop a tower, its arms outstretched as though it were asking the heavens for aid. The wind’s velocity increased and nearly blew her to the ground. Fergal and Callimachus rushed to her, and together they made their way to the zeppelin. The Thief was already waiting beneath the airship, clutching his bleeding head and making small moaning noises.
    “Where’s Josun?” he asked.
    They pointed towards the bodies strewn about the courtyard, and the Thief moaned again, blood dripping from his brow.
    “He was a knight, a defender of women and…”
    “He was an aimless mercenary, and now he’s dead,” interrupted the Thief. “I’m sorry for it, but platitudes won’t bring him back. When I die, don’t whisper such things about me.”
    “Should we leave him there, with the rest of them in the courtyard?” asked Fergal.
    “I have no place to keep a corpse,” said Callimachus. “I’m sorry, but we cannot take him aboard my vessel.”
    “I suggest we leave now. There’s an army amassing at the gates.”
    Rheineland troop were battering at the portcullis. Cassilda looked at the zeppelin tied to a parapet and stretch out her fingers. The massive ship moved towards them, drawn by the sorceress’s powers of telekinesis. The climbed aboard just as the portcullis gave way to the force of a battering ram, and the zeppelin was already high in the sky when soldiers streamed through the courtyard.
    A strong wind battered the airship, pushing it further east. Her companions sat on the floor, demoralized and staring blankly at the rushing onset of a storm. The Thief twitched and moaned, yet no one moved towards him to offer aid. I must do something thought Cassilda. They won’t hold out much longer. With an immense effort of will, she tore herself away from the window and went to the Thief. Extending a hand, she touched his bloody cranium and whispered a spell to settle his mind and ease the symptoms of a concussion.
    “He’ll sleep now,” she said, though no one paid her any heed. “You two should do the same.”
    “But where are we going?” said Fergal, looking at her with his huge empty eyes.
    “I was planning on heading back to the Mitte Academy, but this storm us pushing us south, and we’ll have to cooperate until it dies down,” said Callimachus.
    “That might take some time,” Cassilda said, facetiously. The storm that had appeared was not natural, and she knew that Dazbog must have summoned it to push them towards Archaea, the Shimmering Isles, the Land of the Dead.
    With a simple gesture, she put Fergal to sleep. Callimachus would be needed to pilot the vessel, so the sorceress planted the seeds of cooperation in her mind. She felt guilty performing such manipulative magics as she had never felt before, and she dwelt on that guilt for a while, letting it soak her anger and strengthen her resolve. Josun had died, but there was no turning back, despite the dangers. And so, after a thorough rearrangement of her conscience, Cassilda let herself rest.


Next Chapter: The Shimmering Isles

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Thoughts on The Rise of Skywalker


How do you review something like The Rise of Skywalker? That was the initial thought I had after exiting the theater. By critical standards, it was a mess. As an ending (hah) to the nine film saga, it was unsatisfying. As a piece of pop entertainment, it was perfectly fine. Just like The Force Awakens, Abrams' film speeds along at a breakneck pace, one action sequence after another. Mounds of exposition are expounded; really, Rise of Skywalker almost seems like a sequel to itself rather than The Last Jedi. This is a conservative movie, in many ways a rebuttal of its predecessor, a mixed film that found itself mired in controversy I'm not sure it deserved. But what did you expect? Disney paid billions of dollars for Star Wars, and they are going to milk it for everything that it's worth. Star Wars is brainless entertainment. In the whole saga, we have only one truly great film in The Empire Strikes back, which is so good that I think it's carried the franchise the past forty years. Star Wars is just knights and space wizards and simplistic struggles between good and evil. It's really hard for me to make a big deal about it. So that's my anti-review. I will now proceed to random musings.

1) So the Force is basically just magic now, huh? Sure, it was always magic, but in the original trilogy it was subtle. Luke lifted some rocks and pulled his lightsaber to him, and talked to Obi-Wan when nobody was looking. In The Rise of Skywalker, Rey pulls spaceships from the sky, and Palpatine shoots lightning into space to disable the Resistance fleet. Force healing I didn't have much of a problem with, since that's been a power of the old expanded universe for some time now, but there's a contrast between what jedi and sith do with the Force in the Rise of Skywalker and what they were able to do in previous films.

2) Disney listened to racist internet nerds and dropped Rose Tico as a major character. I wasn't a huge fan of her role in The Last Jedi, but it's disconcerting to see loud assholes have so much influence, especially after the extended harassment of Kelly Marie Tran.

3) So how exactly did Palpatine come back? One of the Hobbits from Lord of the Rings (Dominic Monaghan) hypothesizes that he cloned himself or used space magic. That's all the explanation we get. Somehow, Palps was controlling Snoke and the First Order from behind the scenes ("I made Snoke," he says to Kylo Ren after the camera pans on tanks filled with Snoke bodyparts). This shit don't make any sense. What happened, I think, was that after Rian Johnson killed Snoke, Palps had to be written in as an eleventh hour antagonist, which is incredibly jarring, since there was no hint of Palpatine being back in The Force Awakens or The Last Jedi. It's almost like someone should have written a complete story for this trilogy rather than leaving it up to Rian Johnson (who, while talented, clearly wasn't interested in making a coherent sequel) or J.J. Abrams, who has always been style over substance.

4) Have those star destroyers that break through the crust of Exogol in the opening sequence been there for thirty years? I swear some character says that Palpatine has been "conjuring star destroyers." Like, did he build them with the Force? Where did he find all the people to man them? Are they supposed to be old Imperial troops? I thought the First Order was made up of the old Empire.

5) I don't mean to be cruel, but I really think Billy Dee Williams had no idea what was going on. At one point Poe tells him that the Resistance needs pilots, and I thought "He's one-hundred years old and clearly suffering from dementia. Don't put that man in a cockpit unless you want people to die."

6) Adam Driver carried these movies. When Han Solo shows up as a vision to turn Ren back to the lightside, Driver's face becomes wracked with emotion, and I may have shed a tear.

7) Clearly the thing Finn wanted to tell Rey was that he was Force sensitive. Why there's no payoff to this, I'm not sure. Surely they'll never make another Star Wars movie. I guess we'll never know for sure.   


Wednesday, January 8, 2020

New Music: Type Me In




About ten years ago, I made an album of songs called "Winter Trees" that has rested on various hard drives since, for no particular reason other than I am very bad at promoting my work. "Type Me In" is the first of these tracks, a hard industrial pop number, whatever that means. I think it might have been on my Myspace page eons ago before Facebook swallowed the internet. "Winter Trees" is not my typical rock-based stuff; most of the tracks are instrumental, made in Propellerhead's Reason software synth, although there is scattered guitar throughout. At the risk of messing up the theme of my Soundcloud page, I'll be releasing tracks from my lost electronica album over the next month or so. I'm probably going to make a Youtube channel for Theme Park Mistress, just to get out there more, so look for that all you loyal readers and listeners.

Monday, January 6, 2020

Five Theme Park Mistress Songs Worth Revisiting


Sometimes songs get lost in the shuffle. I thought I'd draw attention to a few choice Theme Park Mistress tracks that haven't received the plays that they should have. The internet is a vast, dangerous place full of dark crevices and unexplored sewers. For every Youtube superstar there's a TPM sitting quietly in its hole, waiting for a passerby to come close enough to devour.

Numero Uno: Never Happy



"Never Happy" was my attempt to write a Lou Reed song. The instrumentation is sparse, the song being built off a simple I- IV-V chord progression a la "Sweet Jane." The lyrics are a cynical meditation on the idea that happiness is something one should strive for. Before you grab a knife to slice your wrist, keep in mind that it's all in good fun. We're all built imperfect, striving for things that we'll never achieve. Lou knew this, and I did my best to channel his spirit while putting this song together.

Numero Dos: No Name



"No Name" opens with a chiming little riff reminiscent (in my mind, at least) of something the mid-period Beatles might write. The song then transitions to a moody chord sequence and a wailing vocal not exactly typical of what I usually do. Heart that I knew... fall over you go the lyrics, and I do like the desperate romance evoked. The final piece of the song is a noisy hard rock riff meant to simulate the narrator's head dive off a cliff. Three songs in one, really. The guitar tuning used is DADGBD, which creates a nice drone on the initial lyrical section. One of my few uses of alternate tunings.

Numero Tres: You Need A Fire



"You Need A Fire" is definitely the best rock song I've ever done. The lyrics are pure joyful nonsense about burning shit; the guitar riff is ripped straight from hell. I had to have a dwarf punch me in nuts to hit that falsetto when the solo kicks in. The best part? It's over in two and a half minutes.

Numero Quatro: Come With A Drink



This song was a staple of the live incarnation of Theme Park Mistress. I wrote it in Cincinnati, once again trying to imitate another artist. Does this sound like a Smith's song? I don't think so, but I was going for Johnny Marr's guitar work more than Morrissey's croon. The rollicking piano that takes the place of percussion is my favorite part of the arrangement.

Numero Cinco: Parking Lot



Recorded on my shitty twelve string that I later sold for about fifty bucks in a yard sale, "Parking Lot" is a heavy dose of nostalgia for days that never existed. A character piece about failure. They have better things to do than drink and listen to you. Truer words were never spoken. Rock and roll can never die, but it can't quite keep alive, huffing paint in an underpass, sucking smog in a sequined dress. This piece was originally meant for a mini-album of half-improvised acoustic songs.

Conan Brothers Q&A

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