Taking Apart the Tenets of American Conservatism, Part Two

I really don't think I've ever hated anything as much as I hate the Republican Party.

A couple months ago, during a sleepless night, I wrote a post ripping the tenets of American conservatism. There was a lot of dogma that I skipped, however, so I'm back to finish the job. Hold on to your butts, folks. This is going to be a bumpy ride on the river of stupidity.

Principle #6. Lower taxes will fix everything, and lead to prosperity for all! Trickle-down Economics for the win! I can't believe I didn't include this one during my original post, because it's basically the purpose of the Republican Party. It took awhile for this tenet to take hold, however; George H.W. Bush famously referred to the policy of cutting taxes for the wealthy and expecting economic growth for the middle class as "voodoo economics." That's because this policy is bullshit--corporate tax rates are 35 percent currently, much lower than they were in the 1950's, when corporations were taxed over 50 percent. Most corporations get out of even paying that--many don't even pay taxes. How's middle class wage growth over  the last couple decades? Oh, that's right, wages have been stagnant since the 70's, despite the constant increase of productivity. Despite no evidence that tax cuts help anybody but the rich, our wonderful President wants to slash the corporate tax rate to 20 percent, I guess so all of his billionaire buddies can buy an extra jet plane or some shit. Republicans will never stop trying to give more money back to their donors, because they have no other purpose as a political party. Scroll down that list and tell me if you don't throw up. Or don't, it's something of a litmus test. The craziest thing about this principle is that Republicans are constantly talking about the federal deficit as though it's the most dangerous thing since great white sharks. What do you think happens to the deficit when you slash taxes for the rich? Hey assholes, they're the ones with all the money. That's baby's going up.

Principle #7. Abortion is evil, and a woman should be forced to pop out as many babies as God intended, come hell or highwater. For a lot of people, this is the only reason they vote Republican. A lot of brain-addled evangelicals vote straight ticket Republican because they think to do so otherwise would be a mortal sin. Of course, the party is perfectly happy to let the poor drown in their own misery, as long as babies are being made and the earth is being filled with more fucking people than it can handle. The real issue here is not the rights of unborn babies, it's keeping women from having any control over their bodies. Let me ask you something: Let's say men were the sex that carried children. Do you think abortion would be illegal? Hell no, it wouldn't! There would be an abortion clinic on every block, and Trump would've had about fifty by now, and the world would thankfully not be full of pig-men like Eric and Donald Jr.

Principle #8. Immigrants/Minorities/Muslims are destroying our American (White) culture and are not to be trusted. Republicans have been doing this since Nixon's Southern Strategy. They stoke racial or religious resentments, because as Roger Stone said "Hate is a more powerful motivator than love." The primary reason for Trump's win last year was racism rather than economic anxiety, despite how many have tried to spin it. From the GOP's view, it is much easier to pass legislation that directly hurts the majority of their voting base if that base is distracted by a bogeyman like illegal immigrants or Muslims. Undocumented immigrants are actually less likely to commit a crime, and statistically speaking, if you're worried about a terrorist incident, you should watch out for white men, who are responsible for the vast majority of mass shootings.

Principle #9. There is no scientific consensus regarding climate change, and even if there is, humanity is definitely not responsible for it. 97 percent of climate scientists agree that man is responsible for the global warming trend. These are the people who actually study the earth's climate using reason and the scientific method, not your uncle Bob who heard it from Infowars that global warming is a reptilian conspiracy to help China and keep red-blooded capitalists down. We have years of overwhelming data proving this point (the last 12 hottest years on record have all occurred since 1998). Yet climate denialist Scott Pruitt is head of the EPA, and President Trump thinks that snow disproves global warming. This is because the oil and gas industry invests heavily in the GOP, knowing that Republicans won't bite the hand that feeds. Misinformation wins, folks! Even the future of the human race loses to propaganda.

Principle #10. The media/universities/science are liberally biased, and therefore cannot be trusted. Ever had a conversation with a conservative about politics and heard the term "the liberal media?" In their minds, the New York Times, CNN, and the Washington Post are exclusively populated by beret-wearing communists eager to distort the truth in order to push their globalist agenda. This distrust of the media, as well as science, goes back decades; Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich started their assault on reason when they concluded that it was by its very nature contrary to conservative policy. This is where we get the fair and balanced mantra that's been cited by Fox News like some sort of badge of honor. Both sides must be heard, even if one side is plainly wrong. When you seed the seeds of doubt among your base, then they can ignore the facts, no matter how obvious they are. The only the tribe is to be trusted; this is how we get a Congressman saying that Americans "Should get their news directly from the President." That's like getting your news from a man wearing a baby's bonnet and a pair of underwear on his face, and shit, I'd trust this hypothetical crazy over Donald "70 percent of what comes out of my mouth is total bullshit" Trump.

So ends my pointless critique of a political party that long ago lost any credibility whatsoever. I'm sure I changed someone's mind.

The Esteemed Critic Reviews The Last Jedi

Luke's milk face.

The Critic once must again log on to the interwebs and let the cretins know his esteemed opinion regarding their big-budget blockbuster detritus, in this case, the latest entry in the now immortal Star Wars franchise. There seems to be something of an internet hubbub centering around the Last Jedi, with many people either exclaiming the film to be the cinematic equivalent of feces, or a very high quality film bringing some much needed character development to a series fairly devoid of it. The movie certainly subverts many Star Wars troupes, e.g., the outlaw with the heart of gold turns out to be opportunistic rather than heroic; the seemingly all-powerful wizard is defeated simply by a lighsaber trick instead of a highly-choreographed duel; yet rather than trolling the audience, as I believe some fans have concluded, director Rian Johnson walks the rather tight rope of making a recognizable Star Wars movie while also making a film that feels different from what came before. The questions raised by The Force Awakens (I've heard these referred to as J.J. Abrams "mystery boxes") are dismissed as irrelevant to the story at hand, which certainly rubs the hardcore the wrong way, for they have spent countless hours of their lives on reddit postulating stupid theories, none of which turned out to be right. Sure, the humor falls flat a few times (Poe's opening your mom joke perhaps the most glaring example), but the sheer weirdness of certain scenes (Luke milking a pregnant sea monster) endeared this film to my heart. The theme of failure runs through this movie--no one's quest is entirely successful, and by the end, the heroes are few. Yet I am truly excited to see what comes next, even with J.J. Abrams taking over the helm for the final film in the trilogy. Hey, it certainly can't be worse than Return of the Jedi (those goddamn teddy bears get me every time). And even if it is, you can be certain that Disney has a Star Wars movie planned for the next one-hundred years, so surely one will check all of your boxes. All hail our monolithic capitalist overlord, Micky Mouse.

The Best Force Powers

The Last Jedi is out, and I'm going to see it today, so even though I know all the spoilers and how the internet feels, I will have to withhold my review until later. In the meantime, I thought I'd examine all the best force powers in the Star Wars universe. Let's see if your favorite made the cut!

10. Force kick (shown above). Luke Skywalker is such a powerful jedi that his kicks don't even have to connect to do damage.

9. Force door shut. Couldn't find a picture of this, but if you can stomach watching Attack of the Clones, watch how many times Obi-wan waves his hand in front of a door to either open or shut it. It seems like all the doors in the Star Wars universe are automatic, so maybe he was just fucking with us. Still, would kind of be a useful power.

8. Force levitate fruit. As an orchardist, I feel like this would be a cool power. To everyone else, I guess you could take it or leave it. It did help Anakin get laid, which was a real miracle of the force.

7. Force speed. In the entire nine movie saga, force speed appears exactly once, despite the fact that it would undoubtedly come in handy daily. Obi-wan even forgets he can do this when he fails to outrun the red laser gate that separates him from Qui Gon. Well, maybe he didn't forget, but he was too tired or some shit. I dunno. I think Obi-wan is kind of an asshole.

6. Force blast-bolt absorb. I guess there is some controversy among nerds whether or not Vader absorbs this blast or his armor does. Well nerds, if the Empire could make blaster proof gloves, don't you think they could put some of that stuff on Storm Trooper armor? Plus, the prequels retconned Vader into the most powerful jedi of all time, so I'm guessing he doesn't need fancy gloves to stop blaster bolts. Duh. Fucking nerds.

5. Force yoga. Pretty much the entirety of Luke's training with Yoda consists of him doing yoga and pulling leeches off his ass. Yoda was definitely senile, so maybe he wasn't really training Luke to be a jedi, he was just putting him through his workout routine. Then again, I don't think I could balance his diminutive green form on my foot while doing a one-armed handstand, so I guess this is a force power.

4. Force lightning absorb. Maybe this is the same power as Vader uses above; if so, he forgot to use it when the Emperor was electrocuting him during his one-armed military press of old Palps. In any case, why does Yoda not teach this power to anyone else? Mace Windu resorts to using his saber when Palpatine breaks out the electricity, and Luke does nothing but roll on his ass and get fried. Maybe instead of teaching Luke how to balance you and a bunch of rocks, you should teach him how not to get electrocuted by a Sith Lord, you geriatric geezer.

3. Force die of a broken heart. Perhaps Anakin was actually constricting Padme's heart with the force, although the above picture would suggest otherwise. In any case, after this confrontation, Padme pops out Luke and Leia and then drops dead. Truly a terrible power of the dark side.

2. Force levitate robot. Okay, so this differs from Force levitate fruit because nobody in the prequels ever uses the force to levitate a robot, despite fighting robots in every movie. Sure, they use Force push, but if Obi-wan knew how to levitate a robot, his battle with General Grevious would've been over in five seconds. Then again, Obi-wan has a bad habit of forgetting force powers, so who knows?

1. Force button push. Remember when Vader uses the force to flip the switch to the carbonite pit in Empire Strikes Back? That was so cool! Darth Maul couldn't do that; he had to use a rock to smash the controls to open that big gate during Duel of the Fates. Vader was truly a fearsome warrior. He didn't even have to get off his ass to turn on the holovision.

Paul Ryan Has Done His Part: What Can You Do for Paul Ryan?

Republicans have just passed a sweeping tax plan that's basically a handout to corporations and the filthy rich and are poised to tackle so-called "entitlement reform" (eliminating the social safety net) next year. So it's been a bad year for anyone who doesn't drive a Mercedes or possesses a triple digit IQ as well as a conscience. Republicans have set us up for a future where the gap between the rich and the poor will continue to widen, while public services crumble and our institutions fail. But wait! House Speaker Paul Ryan has the answer that will cure all that ails America! The cure for a robust economy, says the Speaker, is to "have more babies." Ryan's done his part--he can afford to have as many kids as he wants, after all--and now it's time to serve our masters and pump out more chattel to work for minimum wage and shitty healthcare. President Kennedy once said "Ask not what your country can do for you: ask what you can do for your country." Speaker Ryan has simply updated this famous mantra. Ask not what you can do for your country: Ask what you can do for Paul Ryan.

1. Have more babies to keep the economy growing. People just aren't having kids anymore and there are all of these aging baby boomers collecting social security and medicare. Sure, they're won't be any social security or medicare for my generation, but by all means, let's keep supporting the very generation that's responsible for the state our country is currently in. Sure, it's really expensive to have kids (245,000 for one way back in 2013), yet the more you have the less you miss them when they die due to the lack of affordable health care. Great tip, Mr. Speaker!

2. Don't vote. Republicans don't want you to vote. They know they can rely on racist old partisans to believe Fox News and show up at the polls while all of us Millennials dick around with our cellphones or some shit. 100 million people didn't vote last year. That boggles my goddamn mind. Sure, I've been through a stage of my life where I didn't obsess about politics daily--I call that Time Before Trump--but how is it possible that 100 million people are so apathetic about the fate of the United States that they couldn't even show up at the polls? Cynicism and apathy are the true enemies of America. Besides, of course, the Democrats, CNN, radical liberalism, and all those people who want to take our guns away. Right, Mr. Speaker?

3. Don't listen to the news. Every criticism of the President is fake news. Scientists are full of shit. Republicans know better than economists. Believe Fox News and your Facebook news feed, and you'll be doing the Speaker a real solid.

4. Keep swallowing the bullshit. Trickle down economics is real. Violent crime is rising. Sharia law is being enforced in America. Paul Ryan is not an evil hypocrite.

5. Probably the best thing you could do for Paul Ryan and his cronies is to die before you're able to collect any of those social security benefits or that sweet, sweet medicare. Or just die whenever. The Speaker doesn't care. Empathy is for the other side, and the other side has lost. We've always been at war with East Asia. There is no truth but the Supreme Leader's truth. Merry Christmas!

The Many Reasons Why You Are Going to Hell

I'm the devil and I'll do what I want.

The Christmas season is almost upon us, so in the spirit of holiday cheer, I thought I'd examine why all of us, including you, are going to hell. Let us begin.

1. You're going to hell because in middle school, you made fun of the mentally-handicapped kid who pulled his pants all the way down to pee in the urinal.

2. Hell is your destiny because you were pretty shitty to your first girl friend back in high school and made her cry, like, a lot.

3. Hell, not Heaven, is your final destination because you attended a Limp Bizkit show in the flesh and Stained was their opener, which bumps you down another circle, you demon.

4. Eternal damnation is your fate because you've never been very consistent about lifting the toilet seat before you take a piss. Thanks, ladies.

5. You will never know the glorious embrace of Jesus because you often give your toddler a cell phone to keep him busy, thus condemning him to a life of technological servitude.

6. You're going to hell, boy, because the last time you were in church, you couldn't help but think about boobies.

7. God has forsaken you because you have never repented for all the times you stayed up late to masturbate to Real Sex on HBO, you pervert.

8. Jesus took away your get out of hell free card because you once parked in a handicapped parking space.

9. If you're a Chicago Cubs fan, you are going to hell.

10. If you voted for Donald Trump, you committed a mortal sin and shall never know the pleasures of eternal life, you stupid hillbilly.

11. Remember that one time you got really drunk in a McDonald's parking lot and tried to pull up a bush, and a cop drove past and told you to mind your fucking P's and Q's? Yeah, you're going to hell for that.

12. Are you a Morman? Jew? Muslim? Protestant? Catholic? Straight to hell for you.

13. Have you never watched all seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation? You're banished to the third level of hell, where you'll be accompanied by William Shatner and LeVar Burton. Levar's cool, so it's not all bad, though Shatner never stops talking.

14. Skipping leg day? Jesus don't want no upper body only bros. Have fun in hell's Planet Fitness.

15. Recall all the times you downloaded music illegally through Napster, and later, BitTorrent? You're going to hell for that.

16. Ever pooped your pants? Going to hell.

17. Forgotten someone's birthday? Straight to hell.

18. Listened to a Garth Brooks' record? Hell.

19. Not showered before bed? Hell.

20. Ever missed Jesus's message of love and acceptance because you were too concerned about the sanctity of marriage/lesbian parents/black people/uppity women/ancient religious dogma/the decline of the nuclear family? Oh you? You're going to Heaven. Just kidding, there is no heaven. I'll save a spot in hell for you. Merry Christmas!