Monday, September 14, 2015

How Much Dinosaur Porn is too much?


We've all asked ourselves the question: how much dinosaur porn is too much dinosaur porn? The answer, of course, is different for different people. The first step is determining whether or not you have an addiction. When you come home from work, is the computer your first stop? Do you have to watch an animated .GIF of two tyrannosaurs boning to relax? Because that's okay. That's normal. Not being able to go fifteen minutes without imagining the giant cloacae of two prehistoric reptiles banging together is not normal. Not being able to walk down the street without imagining random passersby orally stimulating the orifices of dromaeosaurs is not normal. Stealing your child's dinosaur toy and disappearing into the bathroom with it for half an hour is not normal. Let's figure this out. You can still be you.

It took a long time for you to become comfortable with your need to view dinosaur porn. People said it was weird, that it was unnatural. How could you explain it to them? You were attracted to these magnificent creatures. Perhaps it was other animals when you were younger, but dinosaurs were the ones you stayed with. Think about it. The long tails. The massive heads. The birdlike feet. Scales. Feathers. Claws. Who wouldn't get turned on by those things? Hell, sometimes you stare at a pencil too long and you start wondering where you could put it, where it would feel best. Random objects. Dumb ideas. The thought of Donald Trump's wig caressing your rump. What a world it is. All these things that turn you on. But nothing gets your blood pumping like some dirty pterodactyl porn. You don't need to explain yourself. There's nothing wrong with getting a boner from two giant bat creatures tearing at each other like only one's going to make it.


But suddenly everything starts going to shit. Your spouse feels neglected because he/she doesn't have a bony sail protruding from his or her backbone, and you're really into sails at the moment. Little Bobby Stevens isn't getting to school on time because his dad is shoving a triceratops toy up his asshole. The cat shit in your shoes because you didn't feed it. Your work performance is slipping. Your boss stopped by your cubicle to ask if you still wanted your job. Well of course you want your job. Dinosaur porn costs money. The free shit isn't worth jack. You can't masturbate to a bad CGI image of a woman from the uncanny valley getting raped by an anthropomorphic iguanodon. You can barely tell it's an iguanodon; it looks like a goddamn monster, not a dinosaur. Somebody gave it a goddamn penis. You look your boss in the eyes and tell him that you want to keep your job. You've got dino porn to live for. It's time that you got some help.

No comments:

Post a Comment