Poop in the Potty, Get Ice Cream

I've got a deal for you, a once in a lifetime deal: poop in the potty, and you'll get a treat. Just repeat that to yourself for a while. Let it sink in. Think about the deliciousness of ice cream and how you could be eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream right now. All I require from you is to move your bowels in the potty rather than in your pants.

I hear the doubt in your voice. "Poop in the potty, get ice cream?" you say, as though I wouldn't reward you for not pooping in your pants. You've been pooping in your pants for a long time now. Pooping in your pants is all that you've ever known. Change is hard and can be scary. But I assure you that there is nothing scary, for you at least, about pooping in the potty. Sure, what you deposit in the potty might scare me slightly, but rest assured that I am made of strong stuff. Coming to terms with the size and consistency of your feces is part of growing up. There is no terror in pooping in the potty.

Now, now, there should be no tears shed while pooping on the potty. God knows you eat enough fiber. Those are crocodile tears, son. Let me honest with you: I do not enjoy changing your pants. Unimaginable, right? I know you think it's an honor for me to change your pants, but let me tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes I get poo in my hands; sometimes the smell is awful. You would really be doing me a solid if you pooped on the potty. But let's not make this all about me. It's really about you, after all.

 
Part of the transition from baby to boy is pooping in the potty. It's also part of the transition from boy to man. Did you know that Daddy very seldom does not poop in the potty? That's right--I see the look of disbelief marring your features. You can't believe that Daddy does not poop his pants. Listen, son, if Daddy starts pooping his pants, there's a problem. That's one of the difference between children and adults. Kids are allowed an accident or two, but not Daddy. If Daddy poops his pants, then something terrible has occurred, and such an incident would be cleaned up by Daddy himself. If I went to your Grandpa and asked him to change my pants... well, let's not even wargame that scenario. Just believe me. You can't poop your pants forever.

Poop in the potty, get ice cream. This is a limited time offer, and you best take advantage of it. I don't get ice cream for pooping in the potty. The only reward I receive is the sweet satisfaction of knowing that I didn't poop in my pants, and some day, that'll have to be enough for you too, son.

Subnautica Review

Subnautica is one of the best games I've ever played. I've personally never liked the survival genre that much, having tried Minecraft way back in the day and played about ten hours of Ark: Survival Evolved. So I was really surprised when Subnautica grabbed hold of my attention and refused to let go.

You start off as a survivor of a crashed space ship, marooned on an alien planet, floating in an alien ocean with nothing more than a lifepod, a fabricator, and a first aid kit. As you gradually explore your underwater environment, you'll harvest fish for food and water, as well as minerals and plant life to make equipment. This is the main gameplay loop of Subnautica: explore, gather materials, and upgrade your tech. What makes it so satisfying is the care and realism put into the various biomes. You'll encounter gigantic floating islands covered in coral and strange creatures; you'll explore underwater caves filled with giant jellyshrooms and terrifying albino eels. You constantly have to be on the lookout for predators, because Subnautica isn't really about combat. Eventually you'll make a rifle that'll briefly stun creatures, as well as an underwater mech suit that'll protect you from most monstrosities, but you'll never be entirely safe, especially from Reaper Leviathans, gigantic predators who'll even attack your cyclops, a large undewater sub that serves as your mobile base.

Fear is a huge part of Subnautica, despite it not being a horror game. Early on, I was terrified to swim in deep water. Thalassophobia is a fear of the sea, and I think all humans probably have it to some degree, but I never thought a video game would be immersive enough to make me feel as though I'm about to be swallowed by some eldritch horror from the abyss. Once you explore the game thoroughly, you'll become familiar with what's lurking in Subnautica's waters, and your fears will dissipate, which is almost a shame.

Subnautica does actually have a plot, though I haven't quite finished it. This is another change from the survival game norm, and it gives the player a little more impetus to play rather than just base building or collecting food. This isn't fair to Ark, since it was never billed as a singleplayer game, but Ark was so damn monotonous, having no respect for your time. Who thinks it's fun to spend an hour taming a dinosaur by spamming berries into its inventory? Apparently a lot of people, since Ark sold 5.5 million copies. Subnautica is a single player game, however, so you don't have to worry about other people ruining your fun. It's well worth the 24.99 Steam's asking, though I actually got it free through Epic's new store, which was a hell of a deal. The only criticism I'd add is sometimes the crafting recipes are rather vague, so don't be afraid to use a wiki, though don't delve too far. Some things should remain a surprise, and I miss the feeling that I had before I knew that no tentacled monstrosity would rise from the deep to devour me. The mind is capable of the greatest horror, after all.

The Love Song of Greta Van Fleet

The seventies, baby, were a very cool time

People had no fashion sense, but they knew how to rhyme

How do you like my shoes, babe, and my greasy long hair?

How do like my Frodo voice, and my thousand yard stare?


We're Greta Van Fleet yeah, not Greta Van Susteren

Try to rhyme another word with Greta Van Susteren

We got the moves, mama, yeah we got the golden flair

I'm wearing open-toed shoe like I don't even care


Back in the seventies, babe, there was no Youtube

If you wanted to watch music, babe, you'd see on the boob tube

Everybody smoked weed but it was somehow okay

Yet you still had to hide it if you were not straight but gay


We're Greta Van Fleet yeah, not Greta Van Susteren

Try to rhyme another word with Greta Van Susteren

We got the moves, mama, yeah we got the golden flair

I'm wearing open-toed shoe like I don't even care 


It's not derivative, babe, if you haven't heard it in years

No one plays rock 'n' roll, babe, so swallow those fears

Just put away your Iphone and listen to me screech

It's gotta be better than pop's lame-ass beats


We're Greta Van Fleet yeah, not Greta Van Susteren

Try to rhyme another word with Greta Van Susteren

We got the moves, mama, yeah we got the golden flair

I'm wearing open-toed shoe like I don't even care

Weightlifting: 2018 Review

T'was the year of the bulk, with Mac-like results.

I came back from a debilitating back injury early in 2018. I didn't start squatting again until April, and it took till the end of October to reach my previous level of strength (started out front squatting 155 lbs, and ended up doing a back squat with 350 lbs for five reps months later). My training has stabilized as I've found a decent routine I've stuck with for a while (outlined here). The only PR I set all year was a 195 lbs strict press at 197 lbs; but 2018 was supposed to be the year of bodybuilding, not one rep maxes. Instead of constantly testing my max, I focused on accumulating volume and lifting in the 5 to 10 rep range. My weight increased from 196-197 to 200-202, although there was a little bit of fat gain around my waist (though not as bad as Mac up there). Good, steady training is pretty boring, it turns out. Here's what I learned in 2018 in a nice, bullet-point format.

-When injured, train around injuries until healed. While my back healed, I did single-leg dumbbell squats, leg extensions, and sissy squats. Those exercises kept some of my muscle mass, although it's taken a long time to recover my back strength. Before getting injured, I was deadlifting over 500 lbs; I recently did 375 for 5 sumo style, so I'm still getting there.

-Switching to closely related lift variations keeps training fresh and progress moving. Moving to close grip for a few training cycles seems to have got my stagnating bench press moving again, and I plan on setting a low bar squat PR in two weeks after having switched this cycle from high bar squats to low bar.

-Weight gain is good, to a point. Most people don't want to hear this, but gaining weight is hard. At 5'9, I've had a hard time getting past 200 lbs without most of the weight gain being fat. However, the couple extra pounds I've gained have helped my training. It's just about eating a lot of decent food, rather than stuffing yourself with garbage.

-Find a training schedule that's just enough volume, rather than too much or too little. I really like four day a week training. My workouts run from forty minutes to an hour. Previously, I had been training five days or more a week. I find that if I lift more than four days a week, I get burned out quickly. As long as you're progressing, you're doing alright.

And that's it. I'm going to continue my current program for the foreseeable future, and hopefully I'll have a good year with some solid PRs. Achievable goals for the year would be a 450 lbs squat, a 315 lbs bench press, and a 550 lbs deadlift. I'll throw a 200 lbs strict press in there, since that would be a minuscule 5 lbs PR, but hey, progress on the strict press is small.  

Pointless Venture's Best Games of 2018 (Really 2017)

2018 was not a big gaming year for me, mostly because I'm a thirty-three year old family man running a small business. There were some big Triple-A releases, but I'm a PC-exclusive gamer, so I missed out on Red Dead Redemption 2 and Spider-Man. In fact, I didn't play a game in 2018 that was actually released in 2018, so the title is misleading, but this is a yearly series, and I'm not changing the title. Here's what I did play.

Best RPG: Divinity Original Sin 2

I bounced off of the first Original Sin because its size and scope were intimidating and other titles grabbed my interest. Developers Larian have made big improvements to the sequel, including voicing all NPC dialogue, and it feels like a throwback from years ago, when Fallout was a cRPG series and Bioware hadn't been gobbled up by EA. The turn-based combat is great fun; arenas quickly become wreathed in fire, smoke, and blood. The writing and quest design are interesting, and you'll find yourself doing things that you've never done in another RPG, like conversing with a haughty princess turned fireslug, or searching for a forelorn dog's lost mate (grab the Pet Pal perk so you can talk to animals). I recommend playing it on an easier difficulty to start out, however, because there are a lot of nuances to master.

Best Multiplayer Game: Quake Champions

Quake Champions is a throwback, a title that will probably only appeal to gamers who grew up playing arena shooters like Quake 3 and Unreal Tournament. The skill level required to be competitive is higher than modern shooters like Call of Duty or Battlefield; the movement mechanics alone will take you longer than you'd expect, and I still have problems strafe jumping. I put over 100 hours into Quake Champions in 2018, and they recently added Capture the Flag, although the latest update apparently broke the game. QC has been marred by a buggy nature and an impatient fanbase too ready to tear the game down. The title is still in early access, and they just eliminated the lootbox based economy, so I'd give the game a try, because it's likely to get better.

Best Expansion: Witcher 3: Heart of Stone

I grabbed Heart of Stone years ago, and somehow never played it, likely because I was suffering burnout from over one-hundred hours in the Witcher 3. It's a satisfying romp through the world of the Witcher, and though it doesn't really add any new mechanics, it features Gaunter O'Dimm, who is a much more menacing villain than anyone in the original game. There's also a memorable section where you control a possessed Geralt through a wedding, which lets our stoic monster slayer loosen up and act pleasingly out of character. Recommended to Witcher 3 fans, who probably already played it long ago.