The Supposed Horror of Joe Biden's America

 

Remember 2008 to 2016? Not too bad times, right? Do you remember not being safe or fearing that mobs would tear through your neighborhood? I don't remember that. During those times, I didn't think about politics every single day. I had that glorious freedom to feel mostly confident with President Obama at the helm. Was he perfect? Of course not. The NSA hacking scandal comes to mind. However, I never feared the end of times during the Obama administration. I never feared the President would attempt to disenfranchise millions of people. I never worried about him profiting from his office. I never thought an American President would ask a foreign country to investigate his political opponent. Hell, back then I didn't think it was racist or fascist to be a Republican. Now every time I see a Trump/Pence sign, I can't help but doubt the reasoning abilities as well as the morality of the owner. So it's a hard argument to make that electing Joe Biden would somehow be disastrous for the country. Republicans are trying to make it anyway. Mike Pence says we won't be safe in Joe Biden's America. He says this while over 180,000 Americans have died from the coronavirus. You know who was named the head of Trump's coronavirus task force? Mike Pence, of course. The US has 4 percent of the world's population but 25 percent of its coronavirus cases. Great job, Mike. I certainly feel safe in my part of America, a state where you were elected governor. I don't see many people wearing masks in my part of Indiana. Many of my neighbors probably believe that the coronavirus is a hoax, despite its obvious world-wide impact. Who do I consider responsible for this disconnect between what my fellows believe and what reality insists is happening? If you guessed the Republican Party and Donald Trump, then you're correct. What the past four years have taught me is that some people will vote for their political party even if their leadership is clearly incompetent and corrupt. Emotional reasoning is a hell of a drug, and alternative facts are as contagious as Covid-19. I would give almost anything for a return to the boring old days of Obama. What I'm really scared of is four more years of Trump. What democratic institutions would be unraveled? What future crisis would they bungle? What laws would they pass? What kind of world would my children grow up in? I don't know if it's hyperbole to imagine a smoldering wasteland, the kind of apocalypse we frequently see in dystopian fiction. All I know is that Donald Trump is the absolute worst type of person to be President. You can't have a sociopathic narcissist at the helm of a superpower. There are no checks left.

I'll take the supposed horror of a Biden administration any day over the real time terror of the Trump administration. 

The Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Guide to Surviving the RNC

 

It's been a long while, bros and broettes, but Gordy Weaver is back to warn ya'll not to befuddle your brains and take a trip to hell, by which I mean the Republican National Convention, which is being held on a mass grave of mancubi in North Carolina. Remember: the best way to prevent getting burned is to not put your dick in the fire. So don't pull a Trump and take a dump on your life. If for some terrible reason you must go (either because you're being forced by gunpoint or you just want to watch the world burn), here are some excellent tips to prevent your person from being devoured by Kelly Anne Conway or any other water hag.

Numero uno: Stay away from the armed Karen's and their playthings. Remember that creepy St. Louis couple who pulled machine guns on protesters marching past their house? The woman had one of those tiny guns James Bond keeps in his pants, and the dude was waving an AR-15 around like he was holding a super soaker. Those people are welcomed speakers at the RNC. You might as well be an ass and assume that every middle aged white person there (99 percent of attendees) is armed and dangerous. A scamp like myself wouldn't last a minute. Mouth off to the wrong Karen and her husband might decide you was infringing on their right to be sociopathic dumb asses. So keep to yourself, if you value your meat suit.

Numero dos: Never criticize the Donald. The 2020 Republican Party exists only to reelect Donald Trump. They didn't even bother to change the Party platform between 2016 and 2020, which is crazy, because it seems like a lot has happened in the last four years, you know, like the pandemic and subsequent economic free fall. Anyways, this might seem strange to outsiders, but Republicans basically consider Donald Trump to be Jesus now. In their eyes, Agent Orange is a tough Adonis fighting the good fight against Antifa and baby-killing Dems out to burn down the suburbs and outlaw church. When I look at Donald Trump, I see a morbidly obese narcissist who has forcibly pawed more pussy than the neighborhood cat strangler. You know what we do to cat stranglers in Hillsdale? We elect them to city council. Bad example. What I'm trying to say is, don't say to your captor "Man, the Donald's looking a little constipated today," or "I can't believe he had the hypocrisy to say that," because the whole gang's likely to come down on your ass with a Natty-style beatdown. Don't look it up. You were warned.

Numero tres: Don't go looking for any tail. Look, I don't know why you'd want to get with a Nazi, but maybe you possess antiquated notions of what the modern GOP is. First off, half of these chicks are vampires, and they ain't hiding it well, and the other half are sasquatch/reptilian hybrids. The former aren't your sexy Blade vampires--they're more like mosquitoes that have taken human form. As for the latter, I have it from a very good source (Trent) that sex with a sasquatch/reptilian is similar to sex with a grizzly bear, so if you like it rough and possibly fatal, more power to you.

Numero quatro: Don't let Ted Cruz catch you alone. Ted Cruz feeds on solitude and uncomfortableness. Don't do him the favor of wandering off by your lonesome. Old Cruz's killing days may be in the past, or they may not. The signs of the Zodiac are strange and unfathomable. Plus the dude smells like old beans and he's a legit perv. No Ted, I don't want to go hang out in the women's restroom with you. You gotta be firm. Stay strong.

So that's that. Do what I initially suggested and just skip the whole RNC. Your brain and your life will thank you for it.

 

 Yeah, I'm sure this guy never sniffed a pair of underwear.

Screenshots from Dishonored 2

Dishonored 2 is one of my favorite games of all time. When it came out, I had trouble running it on my potato of a computer, but my new rig is more than capable of maintaining high frame rates at 1440p and max quality. The art direction is phenomenal, and you can really appreciate how good it is when you disable the HUD notifications, which Dishonored 2 lets you do in its menus. Modern games condition the player to blindly follow objective markers, yet you can play Dishonored 2 without handholding, simply by thoroughly exploring the levels and reading whatever material you find. I'm planning on doing an essay about why this game is so good, but in the meantime, here's a collection of screenshots conveying Dishonored 2's incredible artistry.

Dunwall streets.

Overseers taking a dirt nap.

Karnaca streets.

Just fishing on the docks.

Streets paved with whale blood.

Watch out for the search lights.

A beautiful shrine to the Outsider.

Some of the poetry in this game is pretty good.

The museum, which is full of witches.

Giant owls on display.

Ghouls.

Incredible detail on the Dreadful Wale.

The seas of Karnaca.

Some guards who met an unfortunate end.

The Heart makes a return.

 

 There's really no good way to deal with Jindosh.

Albums that Made Me: Another Green World

 

Another Green World is the sort of music you listen to at 2 am with your headphones on while you try to compose a piece of writing that expresses something essential about yourself, and yet you can't help stopping every now and then to listen to the strange instrumentation easing in and out of songs like "Sky Saw," which features popping bass lines, belching synths, and Brian Eno's brief vocals. Most of the tracks on AGW have no vocals, which is no matter, for the music is haunting, deftly engineered to simultaneously hold your interest while being background noise. "St. Elmo's Fire" sounds like an accidental pop song by a prog band; "In the Dark Trees" is a sombre piece that conjures images of derelict alleyways and perpetual rain. Eno's music is always drenched in imagery--he really is a born painter who became a musician. The guitar work that runs through this album is amazing, in my humble, garage-rocker opinion, thanks to Robert Fripp of King Crimson fame. The crescendoing brilliance of "The Big Ship" makes me envious of Eno while being thankful songs like it exist. This is an album of many moods, but it all sounds so easy and relaxed, as though everyone involved in its composition had a great time. My favorite song is "Sombre Reptiles," a prehistoric minor key melody meant to be listened to in the dark, where your thoughts are the loudest. I'm listening to this album while writing about it, and I'm going to let it play start to finish. That's love, friends.

Batman Versus Robin: Election 2020

Robin drove up right as Batman was hanging the one-hundred foot banner across the front yard of Wayne Manor.

"Oh God, Bruce, no, just no," said Robin.

"Make America Great Again, Again," said Batman, take a Bat-beer from his utility belt. "Custom made. Now everyone that drives by will know that I stand with the President and not the CIA-backed Colour Revolution."

"Were you referring to the George Floyd protests? Christ, that's racist."

 "Everything's racist now. I can't tell jokes. I can't requested a non-ethnic waiter at my favorite restaurant. The tabloids are wondering why Bruce Wayne's never dated a black woman. Jesus. If there's one thing I'm not racist about, it's broads."

"Bruce, you got to take this sign down. You'll get kicked off the Gotham school board. Charities will refuse to take your money. You know Trump's very unpopular here..."

 "Mayor James is a partisan hack. You know who I'm backing this November."

"Yeah, Oswald Cobblepot. AKA the Penguin! You really will vote for anyone that's a Republican."

"I support his agenda, not the man. He's gonna drain the swamp..."

"He's going to pollute the natural watershed with toxic chemicals from his backers' industrial plants."

"Progress, Robin, progress. I suppose you like washing your hands without soap? You like that fork you're eating kale with? Because somebody's got to make that fork and that soap."

"You're delusional, Bruce. I literally can't have a conversation with you anymore. It's like talking to a brick wall that parrots right wing talking points."

"Go complain to your blog. In fact, here, I have a present for you."

Batman threw a MAGA hat in Robin's face.

"Here, have this too. That's an absentee ballot for all of your illegal friends. Make sure Superman votes twice, the illegal son of a bitch."

Batman threw a bunch of envelopes in Robin's face.

"You're a facist!" screamed Robin. "You support what they're doing with the post office? People shouldn't have a right to vote anymore? If you stand against democracy, what do you stand for?"

"They're all corrupt. You might as well vote for the one that's not a baby killer," said Batman, standing back to take a picture of his Make America Great Again banner. If he can get Robin to help him later, he plans on putting the picture on his Instagram.

Conan Brothers Q&A

RetainingHope asks "How do you persuade a conservative friend to not vote for Trump?"

Dave: You can't. It's scientifically impossible.

Arnold: I mean, if they're a hardcore conservative wedded to their ideology, then they're going to find a reason to vote for Trump, regardless of how incompetent he seems to the rest of the world. They do this by applying emotional reasoning. Trump's corruption is no different, in their eyes, to the typical corruption they see in politics. Did Trump mishandle the pandemic or was it the fault of the experts, who initially told us that masks were useless? A reasonable person might point out that Covid-19 is a new virus that we don't know a whole lot about, which is why the authorities' recommendations changed. A conservative is going to look at this as a failure of expertise and a reason why we can't ever trust the experts. Trump may constantly contradict Dr. Fauci, but Fauci and his ilk are part of the mainstream establishment, who, in the eyes of conservatives, are basically responsible for everything that goes wrong in the world. The only people you can trust are other conservatives; therefore you might as well vote for Trump, because even if he's corrupt and horrible, he's part of your flock and outside of the mainstream. Any conventional viewpoint is wrong and needs to be replaced by a conservative interpretation.

Dave: They are literally incapable of seeing the world through any other perspective than their own.

Arnold: To be fair, this is not a problem restricted to conservatives. But conservatism in general is susceptible to narrow thinking because the free exchange of ideas is not a value respected by conservatives. Tradition, religion, and patriarchal familial rule are essential to the conservative philosophy, whereas democracy and liberalism are countervalues that challenge the status quo and upend the conservative way of thinking about things. Conservatives don't care if Trump is taking a big shit on the Constitution as long as he's throwing them bones on the issues they care about while acting like a total asshole. I had an argument with a friend about Trump, and he actually had the audacity to try and claim that the Republican Party might do something about Healthcare or Protectionism in the future because of Trump's lies, and that was why he felt comfortable voting for the bastard. Obviously the Republican Party only exists to make sure rich people keep their money, and protecting worker's rights and raising taxes to pay for government healthcare are incompatible with their raison d'etre. My friend knows this; he also knows that the real appeal of Trump is that he's a sociopathic asshole that's going to hurt everyone that conservatives dislike or feel responsible for the devolution of society (yes, because society was so good in the past). So in short it's a hopeless task to try and convince a conservative to not vote for Trump.

Dave: Next question!

...

HurtbutStillLifting asks "What do you do if you're injured and you can't train?"

Dave: Well, what's injured? Pulled quad? Do stuff other than squats. Hurt biceps tendon? Skip curls for a while.

Arnold: My left pec is currently inflamed, so I've dropped any pressing or upper body pulling for two weeks in an effort to figure out what's going on. In the meantime, I'm doing squats, lower body pulls, and curls every workout, so even though my bench is probably not going to be great when I start benching again, my squat and deadlift will have progressed.

Dave: There is no reason to stop lifting weights completely. Ever.

Arnold: Layoffs are for the weak.

... 

GamerBob asks "What are you guys playing?"

Dave: Doom from 1993.

Arnold: We've never played it all the way through. Still holds up. The level design is clever, full of traps, secrets, and monster closets. However, the find-the-key-card hunt is a little tiresome; the texture sets are recycled frequently, leading to confusion on where you are in the maze. Still, it's amazing how much they got right with Doom.

Dave: Also been playing Dishonored 2.

Arnold: Too impatient to go for a ghost run, but I'm doing no powers/no kills and it's great how flexible this game is in regards to your approach. Few avenues are ever cut off from you in Dishonored. Also, the game looks fantastic on my new PC.

Dave: Give it a shot if you love immersive simulators.

No Excuses

Every day, I track Trump's approval rating at Five Thirty Eight, where it currently stands at 41.2 percent. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing every day but expecting different results. I keep expecting to see Trump's rating failing. Certainly, it has, to some degree--at the start of the pandemic, it was at 45 percent--but even after his administration's continued bungling of the pandemic, the resultant economic free fall, and the federal overreach in Oregon, his approval rating is still above 40 percent. At this point, you have to wonder if it will ever fall beneath that level. What would it take for that hardcore base to abandon this President? Even if you support his anti-immigrant, racist agenda, any thinking person would have to admit that Trump is a terrible, terrible President. He's divided the country with his partisan rhetoric, filled his administration with yes-men, deregulated the economy, and shown a complete inability to learn from his mistakes or take any kind of criticism. Every thing that goes wrong under Trump is not his fault. What kind of a leader never takes no responsibility? That sort of person isn't a leader. That sort of person is a malignant narcissist, which is the worst type of person you want in charge. "Make America Great Again," is a backward slogan focused on nostalgia for a time that wasn't as great as people imagine, but it certainly works for Biden's campaign, seeing to what extent Trump has dismantled the country in four short years. What would four more years of Trump look like? Nuclear warfare? A smoldering, apocalyptic wasteland?

So stupid people out there, if you don't die of the coronavirus that you deny exists, perhaps you can exercise those critical thinking skills you've never developed and ask yourself whether or not it's worth voting for a man who does not care if you live or die just because he has the same racist, backwards world view that you do.