Thursday, October 29, 2015

Happy Halloween from the Goon

It ain't funny to dress a goat like that.

Well gentlemens and gentleladies, its about Helloween time, which is one of the Goon's favorite times of year, Thanksgivings being his most favorite, on account of the wide variety of tasty treats served in whatever house he's haunting, hah. Teh main thing for the Goon to decide ever Helloween is what to dress as. One year he was a giant snake man wit garden hoses coming outta his brains; last year he was teh wolfman, a costume which I made wit pubic hair and a couple cat skins sewed together. I always win best constume, or at least thats what the cops tell me ever year. This year I just dont know, though. I was thinkin bout dressing like an ol' time vampire liike outta one of dem silent movies, so I'd shave my head and carve my teeth and do my bestest to look like a giant bat. Vampires are where all teh action is at; Slack dressed as one last year an he went home wit a big bosomed baby and didn't come back fere like half a month. Thats the kinda fun teh Goon wants to have. Big bosomed fun. Is there any other kind? Thats fer teh philosophizers to figure.

 I was going down to teh farm teh udder day to pick teh last of teh apples, which is always a sad day in the Goon's life, fere he have to leave the comfort and safety of teh orchard and venture out into teh great unknown to find himself some other form of employment. Ever year I don't know if I will see Hernando again cuz he's an illegal alien and they might call him up to teh mothership, which is in Mexico, I guess. He and I had ourselves a nice apple fight and then we drank ourselves sick wit apple cider, which led to us puking all over teh apple washer, a favorite pasttime of ours. I told Hernando that I was gonna be a vampire fere Helloween; he didn't know what a vampire was so I had to describe one to him, and then he got all scared and told me that i shouldn't be one cuz then he'd be duity-bound to stake me cuz his family used to hunt monsters in teh Mexician mothership. Then i told him that I would have myself some big bosomed fun if I was a vampire, cuz all teh ladies are getting worked up over vampires and werebeasts, an then I told em that he should be la cuprecabra, which pissed him off some. That's the Goon fere ya, always trying to make edgy humor. But dere aint no humor in racism, no sireee.

So I was trying to figure where I was gonna trick'er'treat at, since last time I got teh cops called on me when I tried to treat suberbia wit a little Goon magic. You see, I like me some chocolate just like Johnny Depp, an if I dont get none, well, I gets a little ornery. This one fella, he smarted off to me about me being too old fere treating, so I told em I werent too old for tricken. Then I pissed in his yard an I guess yur not supposed to do such a thing wit teh children around, which is kinda strange, cuz nobody in teh Goon family ever had such inhibitions. You folks no any good trick'r'treat spot, let me know. I like candy.

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