Thursday, October 8, 2015

Things that Will Happen if the Cubs Win the World Series

Where are your pants, asshole?

So the Chicago Cubs just defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates in the wild card one game playoff. They now head to St. Louis to play the Cardinals. People are very high on the Cubs, suddenly. They have a phenomenal ace in Jake Arrieta, a great second starter in veteran Jon Lester, tons of promising young players like Kris Bryant and Addison Russell, alongside MVP candidate Anthony Rizzo and manager of the year candidate Joe Maddon. Could the curse of the baby bears be broken this year? You better hope not. The Cubs winning the World Series is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Here is what such an event will bring about:

If the Cubs win the World Series, then Donald Trump will be elected President. He will serve ninety-nine years, and transform America into a techno-capitalist nightmare. At least, more so than it already is.

If the Cubs win the World Series, HBO will cancel Game of Thrones and you will never know which of your favorite characters died needlessly first.

If the Cubs win the World Series, Apple will reveal that Steve Jobs isn't dead, because what is eternal shall never die, and after strange eons even death may die.

If the Cubs win the World Series, Marvel will spontaneously combust, and that Ant Man sequel you were so excited for will never see the light of day.

If the Cubs win the World Series, there will be mass rioting in the streets. The Elder Gods shall rise, and they shall teach us new ways to ravage and murder. Cthulhu R'lyeh!

If the Cubs win the World Series, flared bottom jeans will come back in style, and we will all live in a hell of our own imagining.

If the Cubs win the World Series, no one will ever be able to eat a bagel. Thanks, President Trump.

If the Cubs win the World Series, people will forget how to read and write. Civilization shall crumble, and we will having nothing but our own excrement with which to entertain ourselves. Thanks again, President Trump.

If the Cubs win the World Series, you will never be able to go to Chicago again.

If the Cubs win the World Series, the only kind of pizza allowed will be Chicago-style. I hope you like your pizza pie, fatties!

If the Cubs win the World Series, show muscles will be outlawed, and I will have to live indoors.

If the Cubs win the World Series, Jesus will postpone the Rapture.

If the Cubs win the World Series, Batman will kill the Joker.

If the Cubs win the World Series, I will poop my pants.

If the Cubs win the World Series, everything that matters will become dust.

Oh goddamn it.

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