Things You Can Eat Along with Your Gluten-Free Pizza

Do you have a gluten intolerance? You're lying, you bastard. You also probably believe in aliens and that little Joey Goldberg grew back his finger when it was accidentally chopped off during a jousting match with Hulk Hogan. Gluten-free pizza is a thing now, because when you eat a pizza, the first thing you should keep in mind is how it's going to digest (Here's a hint: not well, it's a goddamn pizza). Here are some other things you can eat with that pizza:

You can munch on a bag of wieners.

You can devour an old shoe.

You can feast on a pair of John Kruc's underwear (gluten-free!).

You may dine on a truck-stop tramp (the butthole, specifically).

You can eat another bag of wieners.

You can nibble on a ticket to an NFL game (if I wanted to get in a fight with a bunch of alcoholics, then I'd go to a bar, goddamn it).

You can eat a million dollars of Monopoly money.

You can gnaw on a plastic disk (they used to call them "CDs").

You can consume the tears of an angel.

You can munch on a bag of chalk.

You can eat a rotten apple.

You can nibble on whatever's in the fridge.

You can swallow a bunch of rocks.

You can put broken glass in your mouth.

You can dine on a ham sandwich (filled with poo).

You can eat your hat.

Don't forget to consume another bag of wieners.