Friday, October 9, 2015

It's Time We Finally Recognized Superhero PED Abuse

Look, I know this is a topic that many of us are uncomfortable discussing. We looked up to these guys as children. Everyone wanted to be Wolverine or Cyclops, or the Flash if they were different. We watched them save the world countless times from impossible threats. But we're adults now. And it's time we talked about their PED usage.

It's expected that supervillains are using performance enhancing drugs. That's Magneto up there. He controls magnetic fields, which you probably know if you haven't been living under a rock. He's also a sixty-year-old man who just so happens to be as shredded as Rambo. I understand that he's a bad guy, and bad guys cheat. I mean, when does Magneto have time to work out? He's attacking the world pretty much every other week. He lives on a freaking asteroid. I can't blame the guy for going on a cycle of diabol. He doesn't have time to mess around.

Here's Cyclops, leader of the X-Men, a boy scout, hero to children and man-children everywhere. He looks like he's getting ready for a bodybuilding competition. Maybe that's his hobby, I dunno, but Jesus, Cyclops, you have to be on HGH at the bare minimum. If you can see your abs through your spandex, well, that's a warning sign.

And don't think I'm letting the women get off scot-free. Rogue up there has to be on some crazy illegal fat-burners, not to mentions some kind of hormones, judging from her bosom, which is like Kate Upton-size.

We've turned a blind eye to superhero drug abuse for so long that Captain America doesn't even hide his usage. He's got access to some kind of super-steroid, and he's an American hero because of it? All of the guy's powers come from steroids. What kind of message is that sending America's youth?

As far as I'm concerned, they are all supervillains. Get their toys off the shelves, stop making movies about them, stop letting kids go to Xavier's school for steroids, or whatever it's called. We have to send a message that it's not okay to go walking around looking like the Hulk (another unrepentant PED cheat). Take back American values. Say no to superheroes.

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