Friday, October 23, 2015

Maybe You're a Real-Life Jabroni


Jabroni--"A slang term in professional wrestling first used by the Iron Sheik and then again later by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. It is derived from the word jobber, which is someone who routinely loses, or "does the job"--Urban Dictionary.

You go to work and your boss is waiting for you in your office. Outside, the sun is shining; birds fly across the sky, heading to destinations unknown. Your boss has a stack of papers in his lap. He looks at you; you lock eyes, leading to an uncomfortable staring match. Of course, you lose. "You got a lot to do this morning," says your boss. "Get to work, jabroni."
 ...
You walk your dog in the park after work. Rufus takes his time sniffing bushes and peeing on random objects. Unfortunately, you only brought two plastic bags to pick up Rufus's solid waste. He takes a huge dump right in front of a pretty girl and her Yorkie. He looks embarrassed, hunched over, his beady eyes darting about. Goddamnit, Rufus, you think. The girl looks at you expectantly. Rufus has finished his dump and is ready to depart. You don't know what to do.

"Pick up his shit, jabroni," she says.
...
You pull onto your street. You live in a decent neighborhood, but you lack a driveway. To your chagrin, some neighborhood kid has just parallel parked his Mustang in front of your house. You roll down your window to say something to him. "Excuse me, I live here," you say, trying to sound reasonable. The kid looks at you and then looks back at his phone. "Hey," you continue, "I'm talking..."

"Can-it, jabroni," says the kid, throwing an aluminum can through your car window.
...
Nighttime comes, stealing away any time you have left. You begin to dose in front of the television. Sleep has eluded you these past couple days. In your dreams you are in a professional wrestling ring. Your opponent is turned to the crowd, performing a promo. For some reason, you can't hear him. You look down and you realize that your spandex pants are torn in the crotch area. Everything is hanging out for everyone to see. Your opponent turns toward you and gives you a raised eyebrow. You realize in horror that it is the Rock.

You wake up and find that your house is burning down.On the tv there is one word displayed. You decide right then and there to just lie down and die. There is clearly only one job for you. Get to work, jabroni.

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