Monday, November 2, 2015

How Disappointed Will You Be with the New Star Wars Movie?


I'm not sure if you've heard, but there's a new Star Wars movie coming out in December. George Lucas was not involved in its construction. The original cast, including Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill, are going to be in it. There's a trailer out that's a pretty nostalgia trip. Director J.J. Abrams is good at this kind of pop-corn flick. All the signs look good.

Unfortunately, the prequel movies ruined Star Wars. They are poorly-filmed, poorly-acted, terribly-written, and boring. No one likes them except children and idiots in denial. So even if Episode 7 is a bad movie, there's no way it can be worse than any of the prequels. Disney surely has people in place to put a bullet in Abrams head if he gets the urge to name a character something like Count Dooku or General Grevous.

I think the real danger of Episode 7 is that they won't try anything new. That was one of the numerous sins of the prequels. George recycled scenes and dialogue perhaps in a nefarious attempt to confuse you and make you think that the prequels were light-hearted space adventure movies and not total pieces of shit. The trailer for Episode 7 shows stormtroopers, tie fighters, the Millennium Falcon, a bad guy with a red light saber in a mask, etc. Maybe it's not a real Star Wars movie without those things. Those are elements of its universe. But I think there's a real danger of the entire thing just being a huge nostalgia trip.

So I tried to quantify your probably level of disappointment on a 1 to 10 scale, with 1 being a minor let down from 10 being tantamount to suicide. Because why not? Numbers are fun! Let's find out how depressed you will be! Behold! I give you the Star Wars 7 It-Will-Disappoint Scale.

Level 1--Minor disappointment. How you feel: Hey, this was a pretty good movie. It delivered what it advertised while riffing on the common themes of Star Wars. Still, it wasn't as memorable as the original trilogy, probably because it wouldn't exist without those films. I will probably see Episode 8 if somebody lets me out of the house.

Level 2--A little more discouraged. How you feel: There were some cool parts, but I really didn't feel like this was a Star Wars movie. I am going to get on reddit and tell everyone how it could have been done better. Maybe mom will make me some comfort food to help get over these feelings I am feeling.

Level 3--Somewhat pissed off. How you feel: Jesus, they fucking killed Han Solo! How dare they! The only reason I saw this goddamn movie was because Harrison Ford was in it. I want my money back, J.J. I'm going to get on reddit and tell everyone not to see this movie. What a waste of time. I'm never going out of my basement again.

Level 4-- Visibly pissed off. How you feel: They took my childhood. Again. My entire childhood was nothing but Star Wars. I went to school dressed as a jedi. I had a Darth Vader lunchbox. I played the video games. I read the books. People told me it was just fiction, but I didn't listen. They were proven wrong when I constructed my own lightsaber. They told me it was wood but it wasn't. After years in a mental institution, they let me out to see Episode 7. Now what the fuck am I going to do with my life?


Level 5--Ready to hurt somebody. How you feel: This is bringing back flashback of Jar Jar Binks. I have nothing in my life but comic books and Star Wars, and now J.J. has taken one of the things I have in my life away from me. What am I supposed to do now? I'm going to write racist things on the internet. That'll show everybody.

Level 6--Completely disillusioned with everything. How you feel: Well, that's it. I'm done. There's nothing to look forward to anymore. Luke Skywalker killed Han Solo. Who the fuck wrote that? Who thought that was a good idea? Fuck Star Wars. I'm going back to Star Trek. That's where all the ladies are at.

Level 7--You pooped your pants during the film. How you feel: Goddamnit, not this again. I just had my colon examined. Everyone complained about the smell. They made me leave the theater, the sons of bitches. This was Abrams' fault. I'm going to mail him some of my feces.

Level 8--You hit a small child. How you feel: So this is how being curb-stomped feels. I didn't mean to hit that kid, I really didn't. He just looked so much like Jake Loyd that I couldn't help myself. Star Wars isn't for the children, goddamnit. It was made for me.

Level 9--Seething, incoherent rage. How you feel: They told me it was good. Now what is there left to believe in? I am going to have to reevaluate my entire existence. I didn't want to do this. Somebody's going to pay.

Level 10--It's over. How you feel: WTF JAR JAR BINKS WAS THE BAD GUY? THEY BROUGHT BACK HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN TO PLAY DARTH VADER'S GHOST? FUCK IT. I'M DONE. WITH LIFE.

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