Sunday, October 4, 2015

How to Get Marked

Hey, it's Gordy Weaver here, and I'm gonna tell all you homies about how you can get Marked like my favorite person, actor/musician/athlete/human genius Mark Wahlberg, AKA the coolest man on planet earth (and any other planet, for that matter). Your average jabroni probably thinks getting "Marked" means getting buff like Marky-Mark, but that's not all the term means, no sir, getting Marked is a complex process that involves improving your intellect, your libido, and your street-smarts in order to make you ninety-percent as cool as Mark Wahlberg, because face it, you'll never be one-hundred percent as cool. Let's go over the steps so that you can embark on your journey.

Step One: Purchase all of Mark Wahlberg's get Marked products. Visit this page and load up on protein powder, metabolism boosters, pre-workout stuff (I don't know what it does, but it'll get you Marked) weight gainers, and vitamins. Unfortunately, you'll have to go to a health food store, because I couldn't find many Marked products online. If you manage to find them all, I think it'll cost you like two-hundred dollars or something.

Step Two: Start talking in a Boston accent. I'm not too good at this. I am pretty good, however, at copying Marky-Mark's Get the Hell Out stare.

Step Three: Start a street gang and nearly beat a Vietnamese man to death. Okay, maybe don't do that; those were dark times in Marky-Mark's life, and you don't want to do no time. You also don't want to be addicted to cocaine at thirteen; I used to take muscle relaxers, and it was hard to kick those. I have a lot of pairs of dirty underwear to prove it.

Step Four: Get people to confuse you with Matt Damon. Matt Damon sucks, but I'm sure Marky-Mark wouldn't have gotten the part in Transformers 4 without Michael Bay thinking he was Mr. Harvard, Matt "Jason Bourne is a pussy James Bond" fucking Damon. Getting Mark is about using the opportunities presented to you. So look like Matt Damon. Or Mark Wahlberg.

Step Five: Mark Wahlberg can barely count to five, not to mention remember more than four things at once. No matter. Embrace your musical side by delving into rap music. Rap about your tough upbringing, pizza, or how big your wang-stick is. Helps if you know some black guys for street cred. Just don't yell any racial slurs at them.

Step Six: Write to Marky-Mark. Mark Wahlberg was too cool for school, but rich and powerful people like him can afford to hire people to read letters to them. Tell Mark Wahlberg how you two should totally hang out, and how you have so many things in common. Maybe Mark Wahlberg will come to you house and chill. I would tell Mark Wahlberg about the time I saw bigfoot and how I'm changing the minds of people in regards to paranormal experiences, and about that last hood rat I scored with. Then he would make me the leader of the Funky Bunch. Please call me, Mark Wahlberg. Please.

Mark off.

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