Friday, August 7, 2015

I Am Running for President

This looks like a face America can get behind.

Next year's presidential election has given us such a diverse collection of assholes that I've decided, hey, what the hell, I'm running for President. I give everyone permission to write my name in. If elected, I will honor the office by dismantling as much of the federal government as possible, which is what all you conservatives want. We'll see how it turns out. Be careful what you wish for.

My main promise to you all is that I will establish a totalitarian system that abolishes our current representative democracy. Face it guys, it isn't working. Only rich dicks get elected by the establishment. Every four years you have to vote for some sleazebag who thinks he knows better than anyone else. I have enough honesty to admit that I don't know how to solve America's various problems. I'm not going to try to rationalize with you, or plea to your instincts. I'm just going to do what I want, without explanation. Let's go over some problems that I'll attempt to solve.

Gun violence--Nobody owes a gun without a Presidential decree. I think this is fair. People kill people, not guns, but people use guns to kill people, right? That's the whole point of owning an AR-15. You want an AR-15, then ask me. Just don't ask me again if I say no. There will be detention camps. They will be no picnic, I can assure you of that.

Federal prison system--I'm getting rid of it. All of it. You commit a major offense, then your ass is grass. Minor offenses will be fined. If you can't pay, then off to the work camps. The Romans had a good system.

Drug usage--You don't need them, all right? I'll let people smoke marijuana, but it won't be cheap. Anything harder than that, well, get ready for a work camp or have the cash to pay a hefty fine.

Our crumbling economy--The dollar will be abolished and replaced with Goon Bucks. Goon Bucks will be tied to a gold standard to placate all those old school crazies. Communities will be self-sufficient. More farms will be established. Jefferson's agrarian paradise will be realized. The gas tax will be much higher. You don't need to leave your community. It's your home. Forever.

Religion--All religion will be outlawed except for Goon Worship. Every community shall have a small shrine dedicated to me, your fearless leader. Every day you shall leave a dinosaur toy and a protein shake before it in my honor.

Global warming--The gas tax will cut down on our fossil fuel usage. Green spaces will be government protected. There is no such thing as private property in the Goon's America. I reserve the right to possess your land and establish a wilderness refuge. You weren't going to do anything decent with it anyway.

The difference between me and the other candidates is that I admit my craziness up front instead of hiding behind a wall of platitudes and cliches. You want to fix this country? Then vote Goon.     

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