Monday, August 10, 2015

The Consummate Politician Apologizes

Yeah, they're making me do this shit again. Hello, people, I'm trying to run a campaign here. I don't have time to apologize for all the stupid things I say. That's like the point of me as a politician. I say stupid things. I do stupid things. Somehow, people still vote for me. It's like they don't care who is running their country. You know what? I just try to get past it all and do the best job I can.

Sure, maybe I shouldn't have implied that the debate lady was on her period. But come on, didn't she look a little hormonal? You can never tell with women. We should make them wear a star or something so that we know when they're riding the red tide. Imagine how much easier life would be. Really, most of the problems in this country are caused by menstruating women. That, and illegal immigrants. Black people do a lot of bad stuff, too, but don't quote me on that. Hah, go ahead. The demographic I appeal to will love that.

By the way, does anybody understand why women have a menstrual cycle? Isn't it kind of weird? What the hell bleeds for five days and doesn't die? A fucking monster, that's what. All women are monsters. You marry them when they're one-hundred and fifteen pounds, and then they gain like ten bills in the first year. Then they sue you for alimony and take the cake. You're left with a bunch of whining brats and a sexually transmitted disease that the bitch got from the pool boy. That's why I castrate all of my pool boys now. Learned that lesson the hard way. Won't get fooled again.

Ever notice that the media seems run entirely by hormonal women? Most of them are lesbians, too. Ever try reasoning with a dike? It ain't possible, I tell you. I think they're vampires. I've never seen one in the light of day. They only come out after dark like the morlocks. Come on, what woman in her right mind rejects the penis? They used to think that all the gays were insane. I still do. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The truth of the matter is that I have them scared. See, I'm not the ideal candidate. I don't have a perfect family or a squeaky-clean history. I'm not as photogenic as they would like. I don't respond to questions with platitudes or roundabouts. I say what I fucking think. And I'm going to keep saying what I fucking think. This is America, assholes. Freedom of speech, people. If the common folk want to elect an idiot, then they are free to do so. Isn't that democracy in action? Are you telling me you want to oppress the rights of the common people? Okay, Hitler. Anybody with any brains will be voting for me. The right choice. Though I'm not Pro-Choice. An abortion should be done with a coat hanger and a good push down the stairs, not in a doctor's office. I think that might be my new slogan. God bless this country.

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