Greatings and salutations, ya'll, I'll have ya know it was just my birtday! That's rite, teh Goon is now thirty years of age. Who wouldve thought Id make it dis long? When I was a kid, a German Sheepard took me in its jaws and carried me into da woods to teh Goblin King an I was annoited "Teh Price who Will Cometh." Since den, my days have been numbered, an as far as I'm concerned, every single day since has been a gift. Udder den dat, I've had to survive amongst my kin, whihc is no laughing matter, lemme tell ya. Slack hit me wit a crowbar when I was ten and dats why I see prancing faires ever now and then. Willy tried to drown me in the toilet just teh udder day but I survived cuz I got teh family gills. Lets juust say teh Goon is a surviver. Lemme tell ya bout my birtday.
Uncle Thom came down early in the morn wit an ice cream cake an he showed it to me wit a big smile on his face an then he ate it all in front of me and said "Happy birtday, moderfucker." Now dis is tradition, so it didn't bother me nun, even though ice cream cake is my most favorite thing in teh world. When I tried to leave teh trailer my brothers gave me a sock party an I passed out in the grass for bout an hour. Dis is also tradition, though I can't remember why. Later I woke up an dey was dragging me behind a truck through teh woods, wooping an hollerin' and carryin' on. I got caught on a tree stump an lost one of my fingers. I was pretty pissed by then; there ain't no sense in taking a man's finger on his birtday, so I stormed off an hid in teh park awhile. I got some toilet paper in the rest room to help slow teh bleedin. There was a little fairy child in dere, an he told me dat it was almost time for me to retern to teh Goblin King an take my rightful place by his side. "Will dey give me sock parties on me birtday?" I asked him. He gave me a strange look and shook his little head. I don't think he knew what I was talkin' bout.
I teh park I found a hobo drinking a bottle of gin, so I hit 'em wit a tree branch an stole his liquor. From then on, things started going rite fere teh Goon. I beat up some teenagers in teh park and took dere skate boards. I skated into town an threw up in a garbage can. Down at teh river I found a dead fish that I poked wit a stick for bout an hour or so. Somehow I ended up in the junkyard where I took a good long nap in an AMC Gremlin. In my slumbers I spoke to teh Goblin King an I told him I wasn't ready to give up on dis life, naught yet. "Sure, it might get bad," I tell him, "But dere's always enjoyment to be had, provided yere easily entertained." He told me I was wise and dat they await my comin'. That's something to feel good bout, don't ya think?