- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Thursday, July 30, 2015
The Worst Dinosaurs of all Time
What are the worst dinosaurs of all time? This question has plagued my thoughts for many moons. Let us take a comprehensive look at the evidence.
The star of the classic children's film The Land Before Time, Little Foot is a poorly-animated Apatosaurus that leads a rag-tag band of herbivorous dinosaurs to the land of milk and honey or some shit. I'll let you guys in on a little secret: I wanted Sharptooth to eat all of those wimpy dinos. As a child, I cried when he died. Of course, I did the same thing when Shredder died at the end of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Maybe I was a little sociopath. Doesn't matter. Little Foot still sucks.
Second offender(s)--Jurassic Park's Velociraptors
Made famous by the blockbuster film, velociraptor entered the public consciousness and is now one of the best-known dinosaurs. Unfortunately, the animal depicted in Jurassic Park doesn't exist. Spielberg super sized "raptors" in order to make them more intimidating. The real velociraptor was dog-sized and covered in feathers. You could probably beat one to death with your hands.
Ostensibly a dinosaur, or maybe a giant turtle, King Koopa sucks because he can't defeat a plumber who's an Italian stereotype. Yeah, I know Mario is high on mushrooms or pcp, but use those claws, Bowser. You're embarassing yourself. Drown him in a bowl of spaghetti or something if you have to.
Fourth Offender(s)--Dinosaurs participating in erotic fiction
Not much to say here, really. I don't condone inter-species relations. Sorry, I guess I'm just old fashioned in that way. All the dinosaurs involved should be ashamed of themselves.
Fifth Offender--Barney and his entire family
Supposedly a Tyrannosaurs Rex, Barney has delighted children and horrified their parents for years. Whose idea was it to make a purple dinosaur? Prince's? Why must children be subjugated to the retarded recitations of an anthropomorphic beastie? I dunno, man. I hope a real T. Rex somehow comes back to life and devours Barney and his entire family. Wouldn't that be rad? Now I'm depressed that that will never happen.