Thursday, July 30, 2015
The Worst Dinosaurs of all Time
What are the worst dinosaurs of all time? This question has plagued my thoughts for many moons. Let us take a comprehensive look at the evidence.
The star of the classic children's film The Land Before Time, Little Foot is a poorly-animated Apatosaurus that leads a rag-tag band of herbivorous dinosaurs to the land of milk and honey or some shit. I'll let you guys in on a little secret: I wanted Sharptooth to eat all of those wimpy dinos. As a child, I cried when he died. Of course, I did the same thing when Shredder died at the end of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Maybe I was a little sociopath. Doesn't matter. Little Foot still sucks.
Second offender(s)--Jurassic Park's Velociraptors
Made famous by the blockbuster film, velociraptor entered the public consciousness and is now one of the best-known dinosaurs. Unfortunately, the animal depicted in Jurassic Park doesn't exist. Spielberg super sized "raptors" in order to make them more intimidating. The real velociraptor was dog-sized and covered in feathers. You could probably beat one to death with your hands.
Ostensibly a dinosaur, or maybe a giant turtle, King Koopa sucks because he can't defeat a plumber who's an Italian stereotype. Yeah, I know Mario is high on mushrooms or pcp, but use those claws, Bowser. You're embarassing yourself. Drown him in a bowl of spaghetti or something if you have to.
Fourth Offender(s)--Dinosaurs participating in erotic fiction
Not much to say here, really. I don't condone inter-species relations. Sorry, I guess I'm just old fashioned in that way. All the dinosaurs involved should be ashamed of themselves.
Fifth Offender--Barney and his entire family
Supposedly a Tyrannosaurs Rex, Barney has delighted children and horrified their parents for years. Whose idea was it to make a purple dinosaur? Prince's? Why must children be subjugated to the retarded recitations of an anthropomorphic beastie? I dunno, man. I hope a real T. Rex somehow comes back to life and devours Barney and his entire family. Wouldn't that be rad? Now I'm depressed that that will never happen.