Monday, July 6, 2015
Dean Ambrose Explains Things Cincinnati Style
Yo, it's the Lunatic Fringe here, and I'm gonna tell you all how to do various things Cincinnati-style. A couple weeks ago on Raw I mentioned to Roman that I wanted to give Seth Rollins a beat-down Natty-style, by which I meant that I wanted to beat him senseless with a bar of soap placed inside a worn-out sock. There are a lot of things you can do Natty-style. Wherever you go, the Natty never leaves you. I live my life in the Natty. It is my cage.
Of course, you can cook chili Natty-style. They tell me it's Greek or some shit, but really it's hobo poop on top of spaghetti. If you ever wondered why Cincinnati natives have such bad breath, it's because they eat poopy chili by Odysseus. If you want to get down-right ornery, then have yourself a bowl of the Cincinnati Treat. Just make sure you're wearing underwear and not doing that Natty-style. When you've got John Cena's junk in your face, you really don't need any other distractions like undigested chili running down the sides of your legs. Take it from the Lunatic Fringe.
You could also listen to a baseball game Cincinnati-style, which means listening to Hall of Famer Marty Brennaman. Unfortunately, Marty would rather talk about his golf game and how he much Joey Votto sucks than whatever is going on with the Reds. But this is a Cincinnati tradition--all Natty sports fans enjoy criticizing their team, especially the Bengals. I don't know if Marty has ever done a wrestling match, but if he does one, I'm going to DDT his ass and then kick his weathered old carcass out of the ring for Big Show to masticate. That's called a Cincinnati-style welcome.
I'm getting tired of this shit, so I'm just going to list various other things you can do Natty-style:
Natty-style piledriver--wear no underwear (Natty-style), sit on someone's face for a minute, then finished them off with a piledriver.
Natty-style handshake--spit in your hand, shove it down your pants, and then slap the offending person in the face.
Natty-style traffic stop--run over any pedestrian in your way. Twice.
Natty-style breakfast--go to MacDonald's three hours after they've stopped serving breakfast and demand ten pancakes, and then go take a shit in the store when they refuse to serve you.
Change a light bulb, Natty--style-keep throwing light bulbs at the socket until one sticks or they all break.
Friday night, Cincinnati-style--drive around beating mailboxes with a bat, and then look for a building to burn down.
Date night, Cincinnati-style--take your lady to the old Blockbuster parking lot and try to get her to sniff your underpants.
Mother's Day, Natty-style--get your mom tickets to the Dale Earnhardt museum and a box of rocks to throw at children.
Cincinnati-style marriage--Get your old lady knocked up, but don't marry her until the paternity test comes back, and then only after you've knocked her up again.
If I think of any others, I'll let you guys know.