Monday, July 20, 2015

Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench, Part Three

Titus O'Neil--Do you know what millions of dollars smell like? Neither does Titus O'Neil. He does, however, smell like a centaur. I'll let you imagine what it's like. Stench rating--2 out of 10.

Seth Rollings--You know what's best for business? Not stinking like old hobo socks that won't come off old hobo feet. Also, you could probably burn down Yellowstone with whatever he's putting in his hair. Justin Bieber, my ass. The Bieb smells like an angel's ass, not like a homeless man's corpse. Stench rating--8.

Xavier Woods--Okay, so the man's good on the microphone. That's no excuse for being the black Carrot Top. You know what? Positivity must smell like burning gasoline. New Daaayyyy! Stench rating--5.

Brock Lesnar--The Beast Incarnate reeks of fear and virgin's blood. Unfortunately, all those suplexes have left their mark, and Lesnar can't remove the smell of man ass from his body. He also suffers from hydrophobia and has to be chemically cleaned. Stench rating--6.

The Undertaker--Despite being only fifty years old, the Undertaker looks like he's eighty going on one-hundred. If met in a dark alley, he will murder you for drugs; that's just his thing. You can smell him coming, fortunately, because he never changes his Depends. Stench rating--9.

Kevin Owens--Fight Owens fight! Yeah, this human porcupine permanently reeks of taint juice. They have to cut him out of those gym shorts after every fight. Thankfully, he is flame retardant. All Canadians are. Stench rating--A perfect 10.

Charlotte--Ric Flair's little girl possesses the aroma of a shaved big bird. Stench rating--4.

John Cena's cargo shorts--A race of sentient pants from the planet Never Give Up, Cena's shorts can be purchased pre-worn from Kmart for the hefty sum of your dignity and twenty dollars. Stench rating--incalculable.

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