Wednesday, July 22, 2015

How to Tell if You Are a Hipster Doofus

Do you own vintage clothing that only a fifties dad would wear? Really?

Have you ever smoked clove cigarettes? You hipster doofus.

Do you believe that the legalization of marijuana would solve all of society's problems? That's okay. Plenty of non-hipsters believe this as well.

Has anyone ever mistaken you for Lisa Loeb, Buddy Holly, or Elvis Costello? It's cool as long as you don't look like Rivers Cuomo.

Do you try to recycle things that can't be recycled, like yogurt cartons or odd shaped plastic containers? Christ, you hipster goof.

Is the circumference of one of your legs less than twenty inches? Do your arms look like toothpicks? Pick up a weight, asshole.

Have you ever discussed a band and muttered the phrase, "Well, I liked their early stuff..." Everybody hates you and wants you to die.

Will you only buy local, organic, or pesticide free food? Eat the poison with the rest of us, fools.

Has something ever been too mainstream for you? Do you pick apart pop culture like it was something of substance? You are missing the point, hipster.

Have you ever been in a band named after a household utensil? What about one named after an obscure French flick? Have you ever put a fork in a guitar just because Sonic Youth told you to? You are a dilettante and a fool.

Have you ever enjoyed something "ironically?" The ancient Greeks invented irony, and they are not pleased with your tweed shirt and the sticks you call limbs.

Are you a vegan or vegetarian? Someone should eat you.

Can you name more microbreweries than friends? Well, that's sort of cool.

Do you refuse to use deodorant for fear of cancer? Keep the baking soda in the fridge, asshole.

Has anyone ever looked at you and just shook their head and turned away? Put some shoes on, Jesus.

Have you considered naming your first child after a fruit?

Do you take pictures of random cats?

Do you have a blog or a beater car?

Does Apple own your soul?

Are you a beardo?

If you answered yes to four or more, then you may be a hipster doofus.

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