Monday, July 27, 2015

A Brief List of Things That Offend Me


We live in a politically-correct world, and one of the consequences of that fact is that free speech is stymied. It is very easy to offend someone in today's America. Let me tell you all what offends me so that you all can get busy and make sure I'm never offended again.

Sam's Club--Hitler and Walmart got together to create the perfect fascist/capitalist dream. You walk in and a geriatric (Walmart has their souls) asks to see your special Sam's Club ID. Nothing is really discounted, the aisles full of paper plates and dog food. It is a cavernous place, similar to the innards of a monstrous beast. When you exit, they check your receipt to make sure you didn't steal anything. What you don't know is that they stole something from you.

Pop music--Might as well just list music in general now. Once you reach the age of thirty, pop music sounds like it was made by morons for morons. Maybe it was always this way. Maybe listening to the lyrics of some idiot twenty-year-old really gets your goat once you're thirty. I dunno.

People wearing baseball caps slightly twisted sideways--Back in my day, we wore our caps either to the front, or to the back. Nothing makes any sense anymore.

Teenagers--They roam around the neighborhood, looking for things to fuck up. They skate their skateboards in the park at late hours. Sometimes they throw rocks at your house. I'm afraid that I'm going to go out there and start ripping arms off like Grendel in Heorot. Can't we like lock them all up until they're twenty?

Grotesquely fat people--I understand that not everyone can look like Brad Pitt or whatever supermodel is currently hot. That's no excuse for resembling a bloated cow. Stop stuffing hamburgers in your face for long enough to realize that you're disgusting, and that maybe you should start making different life choices.

Bumper stickers--If you have a bumper sticker on your car, you should be shot.

Door to door religious salesmen--You don't know anymore about the truth of the universe than anyone else. If there is a god, I'm pretty sure it doesn't give a shit whether you believe in leprechauns or hoods for women, or whatever.

People who don't like animals--People who just like people are oddities that should be studied in a zoo.

People who think they have to be armed at all times--Who are you? Are you so important that Putin's sending assassins to murder your family? Nobody's going to shoot you, dumb ass. If a crisis breaks out, it's likely that you are not going to respond well under pressure. You have no training. You are an imbecile.

Politicians--They should all be put into camps.

Vegans--They should all be put into camps.

Loud motorcycles--Please continue to not wear a helmet.

Anything or anyone that does not conform to my ridiculous set of standards--I know everything, you know nothing. I am always right. There is no admitting wrongdoing in America. It is always someone else's fault. Responsibility is a foreign concept. Honor exists only in fiction.

If I think of anything else, I'll let everyone know.
 

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