How to Write a Best Man Speech

As I labor away on the Greatest Speech in the World, I thought I'd share some tips so that everyone can compose good best man speeches. Do not listen to the naysayers; my reputation has been unfairly sullied. Just follow this guide.

1. List all the faults of the groom. This is the big one. Everyone wants to hear what a douche the groom is. Make sure you list every trivial slight, every minor transgression. You have a kept audience. What are they going to do about it?

2. Strongly hint that the groom is a repressed homosexual. Because he is. Right?

3. Open the speech with some florid literary quote, then end it with a selection from the Terminator or Predator.

4. Mention that time you and the groom went whoring in Mexico and contracted herpes. Everyone will think that's a hoot.

5. Make fun of everyone's religion, especially if this is a Catholic wedding. Catholics have thick skin. They can take it.

6. Start crying midway through the speech so that everyone knows you are a tornado of emotion.

7. Be stinking of alcohol and roast pig, then puke at the end of your speech. Everyone will clap and interpret this as a blessing.

8. Gesticulate wildly throughout the speech. Watch a video of Hitler speaking for inspiration. That guy was great at giving speeches.

9. Scream "There can only be one!" at various points during your oration.

10. Put special speaking goggles on and pass around a bowl of rotten fruit so that everyone has ammunition.

11. Make sure your speech is at least forty minutes long. The longer, the better. Remember, people really care about this speech. It is the most important occurrence in the wedding.

12. Apologize at the end for various oppressed groups. Tell everyone that you're a member of PETA and you've poisoned the meat. Fart and bow, and then leave the arena. Congratulations. You have given the best best man speech of all time. When you arrive home, your Nobel Prize will be waiting.