- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Hanging with the Goon
Well howdy everbody, did y'all know that I is in a wedding? Ol' Slack is finally tying the knot wit his cousin Cinderalla. It is a story of undying love, true grit, and mutual masturbation. It took a long time fer Slack to woo da beautiful Cinderelly, but he's always been a charmer. For bout ten hour he stood outside her winder, howlin and caterwallin, singing her praises and tell her that he'd always leave da nightlight on in da trailer and that teh rat problem was finally taken care of. He has me to thank fer that: I got me rat stick an spent a whole day clubbin them fer naught but ten bucks which I promptly spent on an authentic Hulk Hogan Stretch Armstrong doll. I guess cuz of my labors Slack figured I was his bestest of men. He sure as hell couldn't have picked Rubin or Willy, cuz they both is in jail fer robbing Booger King again.
So da Goon has to write him a bestest man speech. I thought I'd talk about Batman an how he is the bestest of crime fighters, an how even Ben Afflick couldn't sully da cape an cowl. Maybe I could talk too bout Conan the Barbarian which is Slack's favorite movie, cuz he's a sucker fer oily muscle men with big man boobs. But mostly I think I just talk bout life in da Goon household, an how it's no easy picknick, an how Miss Cinderelly better be capable of making ten pancakes and twenty hot dogs every morn ta feed all of us ungratful sonsabitches. It ain't easy being a woman: the Goon knows. This one time, when Willy came home from his first stint in jail, he made teh Goon dress up and prance around, which the Goon hates to do, but Willy's got one hell of a temper and fists like King Kong, so I was a woman for about two weeks, shush, don't tell anyone. I don't think I oughta mention that in teh bestest man speech.
In utter news teh orchard is struggling wit all dis rain we's a getting. It's hard to keep all teh rots off da apples, though Sammy is spraying all teh time like a horse in heat. He's getting mighty cantankerous, ol Sammy: the Goon think that all teh drinking and chewing is finally getting to his brains. Me an Hernando had ourselves a good long talk bout it, an we concluded that if anything happened to Sammy, we oughta bury him in the old orchard an claim teh place as our own. Hernando says dats how it works in Mexico, an I'm liable to believe him, he's a smart man. I asked him bout writing teh bestest man speech an he said I should praise teh endowments of teh bride an groom. I don't know what that means, but it sounded like a good idea.
So teh next time you hear from da Goon, he gonna have himself a sister-in-law! I sure be nice to have someone to hug and kiss all teh time who cant do nutting bout it! Wit love an understanding I welcome Cinderelly into our humble home.