Monday, June 29, 2015

Mr. Redlegs Speaks


Greetings, mortals. It looks like 2015 is a sunk season for your Cincinnati Reds. Were the front office competent, they'd sell at the trading deadline, but you can never be sure what ol' Bob and Walt are planning, their brains having been removed by yours truly in a botched scheme for immortality. I was relatively inexperienced back then, and I did not know what I was doing, but they knew the risks. Every time Walt Jocketty dips a green bean in a glass of coke, you have me to thank. Due to their lack of mental ability, I shall properly evaluate the worth of the Red's pieces in baseball terms as well as according to Nyarlathotep's scale of judgement. You have been informed.

Johnny Cueto

Cueto is the Red's ace and one of the best pitchers in baseball. He is also secretly a mutant. His injury problems over the years are a cover for molting season, during which Johnny sheds his skin and becomes reborn. The Red's should be able to get one A prospect or a couple B prospects for half a season of Cueto. Nyarlathotep believes Cueto is worth half a ham sandwich and a bucket of bleach. He doesn't understand baseball.

Aroldis Chapman

Chapman can throw a baseball over 104 mph! He is the Red's closer and obviously the most dominant relief pitcher in the game. It's hard to say what the Red's could get for a reliever, even one as dominant as Chapman. He might be included along with Cueto in a blockbuster deal. I can't see a team surrendering a top one-hundred prospect for Chapman, but you never know, there are a lot of teams that could use him. Nyarlathotep says that his soul is made of butter, and that he will never be able to escape the demons that haunt him. I guess that means he's worth half a goat or whatever.

Mike Leake

Leake is a decent back of the rotation starter, a proven innings eater. A couple fringe prospects seems like a good trade for Leake. Nyarlathotep says that he is worth his weight in gold, and that his hands burn with the eternal fire, longing for pockets to plunder. The Crawling Chaos also says that if given the choice, he would rather devour Leake than drain his being of its energy, so take that as you will, GMs.

Todd Frazier

The Todd Father is the Red's all-star third baseman, continuing his breakout performance from last season. Now, some of you will object to trading Frazier, considering that he's still in his prime and probably the Red's best player. The Reds, however, will have to contend with the Cubs, Cardinals, and Pirates the next couple of years, all teams that are better positioned to succeed than our Redlegs. Why not trade Frazier now? Frazier would surely net you two top one-hundred prospects, maybe even more. He may be the best third baseman in the National League. Even the Stalker Among the Stars Agrees. "Frazier is darkness at the edges of chaos, the mover in shadows, the devouring deity that crawls and gnaws on the fringes of our being." Nyarlathotep says he would trade one whole ham sandwich covered in mayonnaise for Todd Frazier. 

No comments:

Post a Comment