Looking For: A strong shouldered woman to help with the harvest. Must know how to cook beets. Won't tolerate excessive conversation. Would like her to be at least six feet tall.
Hobbies: Farming, moonshining, tossing rocks at the pond, beating animals to death for their meat.
Bio: I am a third generation farmer specializing in onions and beets. I own over twenty acres and fourteen hogs. Willing to pay a decent dowry for a good-sized woman who appreciates hard work. Must be of German descent. Don't want no Irish or Italians; they just don't work hard enough. Must have Protestant work ethic and a healthy fear of male authority. Email me at BeetsThePurpleTreat@gmail.com.
Age: I'll let you guess
Looking For: My Prince Charming! I want the good-old fashioned kind of man that they just don't make anymore! Someone who can hang a light fixture and rustle up the cows and still pleasure a woman when they come home!
Hobbies: Posing in underwear with my three favorite cows, drinking to excess, being blonde and stupid (and proud of it!)
Bio: I always knew I wanted to marry a farmer, ever since my Uncle Cletus came home that one evening and showed a girl a good time. Farmers have strong hands which are good for grasping and crushing things. I swear I can give you many strong sons to help with the labor and to expand your genetic pool. Unfortunately I talk a little too much but you'll get used to it. Email me at UncleIssues@gmail.com.
Name: Richard "the Pigman" Prior
Looking For: A girl who doesn't mind a little pig blood on my hands. City girls just don't understand!
Hobbies: Not sleeping at night, naming the pigs
Bio: Hi my name is Richard and I want a nice girl that'll do the laundry and pick the bones out of my hair. I work hard for my money and I'm going to work hard for you; that's a promise, and I never break my promises, although sometimes I do when I make promises to the pigs, which I sometimes do. It's hard looking in their eyes before bringing down the hammer. Sometimes I wake up at night and there are pigs looking at me, giant, disembodied pigs with saliva dripping from their jaws. I need someone that can help me make it through the night. Please help. PigMon@gmail.com.
Looking For: Someone to get me out of grandma's house
Hobbies: Millennial shit
Bio: Hey someone get me out of this trailer park cuz I just cant stand it anymore. I need a new iphone but grandma don't understand cuz she's old and smells like canned fish and won't somebody come and help me, I have no clothes and am forced to run around in my underwear, these things burn down like nothing, come on, i like music and texting and bed farts and making a mockery of the english language. will be your valentine. Snuggles@hotmail.com
Name: Goon, The
Looking For: A perty Lady who will lemme stick it in ya
Hobbies: Covering up me ciphalus, pissin in da woods, listening to 2Pac
Bio: Howdy dis heres da Goon an Im horny and lookin fur love. Wont somebody reach out an touch me? I is an apple farmer an I work seasonally but thats okay cuz I'll be yur boy toy if yoou put it in yere but every once in a blue mooon. Will lvoe you long timie, I promise! Hope you likee apple cuz that's all i eat besides beer and hotdogs. Come on out an show da Goon a good time! Whats an email address?