Thursday, June 4, 2015

What Is a Real Man?

A real man has never tweeted anything.

A real man is not afraid of leprechauns and has killed several in hand to hand combat.

You shook a real man's hand and he nearly broke yours.

A real man does not vote Democrat or Republican. He writes in "Teddy Roosevelt" for every office.

A real man is to you what the pope is to a chronic masturbator.

A real man thinks that erectile dysfunction is a myth, like the yeti or his North American cousin, the sasquatch.

A real man isn't afraid to punch Chuck Norris in the face.

A real man reads Hemingway and biographies about former American Presidents.

A real man doesn't need a gun for self-defense because his body is a living weapon.

A real man can quote every single line of Predator.

A real man doesn't eat vegetables and thinks that tofu is a racial slur.

A real man is not a lumbersexual or a hipster. They are sworn enemies of a real man.

A real man smells like the outdoors and your girlfriend.

A real man has never ridden in the back seat of any vehicle.

A real man doesn't believe in sexually-transmitted diseases.

A real man has seen every Steven Seagal movie but would never admit it to anyone.

Real men are as endangered as the Siberian Tiger.

A real man has never met a rock that he couldn't lift.

Your great-grandfather was a real man. Your grandpa probably was. Your father might be. You...not so much.

A real man is not afraid to dance.

The only color that looks good on a real man is the blood of his enemies.

A real man has a facial scar that looks like America.

A real man has hair in strange places.

Someday scientists will dig up the bones of real men and wonder how they lived. They will conclude that such beings are impossible, and must be throw-backs misplaced in the geologic record by natural forces. They will say that real men never existed. Stupid scientists. They will not be real men.

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