Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Conans Answer the Most Important Questions on the Internet


Those crazy bodybuilders the Conan Brothers are back to answer the internet's most important questions, like who would win in a fight between Batman and Darth Vader. Let's get down to business!

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Dinogeek asks "Spinosaurus versus T. Rex versus Giganotosaurus? Who ends up in a pile of blood?"

Arnold: Dude, a dinosaur question? We ain't paleontologists.

Dave: I can barely read.

Arnold: Good thing we have the internet. According to wikipedia, Spinosaurus was about 49 feet long, with T. Rex and Giganotosaurus measuring around 41 to 43 feet. Based on size, I guess Spinosaurus.

Dave: Recent work suggests that Spinosaurus was aquatic, piscivorous, and possibly a quadruped. T. Rex had bone crushing adaptations in its skull, giving it a big force greater than any living animal. Giganotosaurus, despite possibly being longer than T. Rex, was considerably lighter built. I'm going with the bone-crushing dinosaur over the fish-eater and the lightweight. Therefore, T. Rex wins.

Arnold: Fuck, Dave. You put more work into this than you should.

Dave: Answering stupid questions is not a job, it's an artform.

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TrekkieGod asks "Who would win in a fight? Worf or Chewbacca?"

Arnold: What?

Dave: Don't pretend you don't watch Star Trek.

Arnold: I'm surprised this is a question. The answer is obvious.


Dave: Yeah, does Chewbacca ever get his ass kicked? Even if he does, it doesn't happen every episode like with Worf.

Arnold: Worf was such a ridiculous motherfucker. He was always leaping around, shoving his phaser in people's faces. He's lucky no one beat him to death with their bare hands. I'm pretty sure that ridged head would've popped like a balloon.

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ComicBuffaloBill asks "Okay so in a fight, does Captain America, the Hulk, Iron Man, or Black Widow come out on top? Please answer cuz I got a lot of money invested in this."

Arnold: No one wins. Everybody loses. Especially us.

Dave: The Avengers was a big nasty hot tub full of man splooge.

Arnold: I wonder if people will ever get tired of invulnerable muscle men beating each other senseless.

Dave: That might be the gayest thing you've ever said.

Arnold: Seriously, though, I'm done with it. The whole comic book thing. Yeah, I love comics as a kid. I also ate paint chips and played with my poop.

Dave: But who wins, Arnold?

Arnold: Black Widow.

Dave: Why?

Arnold: Because there's no rational argument here.

Dave: I thought you were going to say "boobies."

Arnold: Email us at gganate@gmail.com if you have any other pressing questions.

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