Tuesday, June 23, 2015

A Summary of True Detective, Season 2: Episode One

COLIN FARREL is a bad cop stuck with a guilty conscience and a mustache out of the seventies. He gets out of his cop car and rings the doorbell of a suburban home. He asks to speak to a child unbelievably named "Aspen." When Aspen comes to the door, COLIN FARREL grabs his dad and beats the living hell out of him. "I'm gonna buttfuck your dad with the corpse of your mom's butt!" he screams. The kid looks terrified but confused. Apparently Aspen shit in COLIN FARREL's kid's Lebron basketball shoes, or something. He is a bad cop and a bad man.


TAYLOR KITSCH is a highway patrol man with a lot of scars. He has to take a pill in order to achieve an erection to have sex with his smoking-hot girlfriend. This implies that he is emotionally-damaged. He has the most boring blow-job face imaginable. Later, he tries to kill himself but is distracted by the corpse of STEVE BUSCEMI. So far, he is my least favorite character.


RACHEL MCADAMS is a sexy lady cop with a chip on her shoulder and some strange sexual preferences. Her sister is a porn star and that really bothers her. She goes to some hippy camp to tell her hippy father about her sister's porn career. He doesn't see the problem, probably because he's too stoned or something. Before taking on the role of sexy lady cop, RACHEL MCADAMS had her ability to smile surgically removed. This was a wise decision. Nobody smiles in TRUE DECTECTIVE SEASON TWO.


VINCE VAUGHN is a bad gangster man who wants to be a good non-gangster man. I keep waiting for him to do that thing where he talks really fast but he never does it. He mostly stands around and talks to other gangster-businessmen. Later, he meets COLIN FARREL in a bar and pays him for beating up some guy with dreadlocks. We learn that he's trying to have kids but his ovaries are messed up. While this occurs, a singer plays the most depressing song in the world.


At the end, all the cop people gather around the corpse of STEVE BUSCEMI. They all give each other glowering cop stares. Who will solve the murder? Will it be COLIN FARREL, bad cop with a bad mustache? Will it be TAYLOR KITSCH, possible homosexual? Or perhaps it will be RACHEL MCADAMS, the lady cop who cannot smile. Tune in for TRUE DETECTIVE EPISODE 2 to find out. I guess.

1 comment:

  1. Episode 2 of True Detective Season 2 will strangely enough introduce Podrick and Brienne of Tarth, who swore to Vince Vaughn to protect STEVE BUSCEMI at all costs, and are also looking to solve the murder.

    Their complex and dynamic relationship will be come the most interesting part of the show.