Saturday, June 27, 2015

How to Tell if You Are a Terrible Person

Have you ever made a snap judgement on a person based on a single weekend? Then you are a terrible person.

Have you ever invented a new racial slur? You are a terrible person.

Can you point out all the scientific inaccuracies in Jurassic Park within three minutes? Terrible person, you.

Do you automatically dislike a female entertainer because her physical appearance does not match your inflexible ideal of female beauty? You might be a terrible person.

Have you ever berated someone for losing at euchre? You are the worst person in the world.

Do you categorize your sexual partners based on their age and mental stability? You are a terrible, terrible person.

Have you ever voted Republican or Democrat? You are the scum of the earth.

Have you ever launched into a twenty-minute diatribe on ontology? Furthermore, have you ever advanced an argument for determinism? Have you ever spent thirty minutes telling someone that there is no god? You are kin to Stalin and Hitler, you terrible person.

Have you ever referred to a group of people as "the gays?" Terrible person.

Have you ever pooped on a public toilet seat and just left it there? You are less than human.

Do you forget your wife's anniversary but still remember the original team members of the X-Men? How did you ever get laid, you bad, bad person.

Do you own a television? Do you not own a television? Either way, you're going to hell.

Do you frequently quote Arnold Schwarzenegger movies? Terrible. Just terrible.

Do you have a blog? Insects are better than you, you vile being.

Is Harry Potter the only book you've ever read? What are you doing with your life?

Do you have hairy nipples? Good luck with that, buddy.

Have you ever been to the Creation Museum? Further, do you live in Kentucky? You are a terrible excuse for a man or woman.

You see, we are all terrible people. The question is, can we do anything about it? You are terrible just for asking.

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