Saturday, April 4, 2015

How Should the Government Spend Your Taxes?

It's tax time, the best of times! Uncle Sam must collect his share so that we can pay for the military-industrial complex and research on how cow flatulence is affecting global warming. Let's be honest, though. You don't think the government is spending your money very wisely. Consider every raise Congress votes itself or pet military projects like the Osprey aircraft that no one wants to fly because it's a death trap. So let's come up with some better things to waste our tax money on. It's just money, after all. It's essentially worthless.

First things first: A Fleshlight for every man. Ladies and gay people can choose between a fleshlight or an assortment of dildos. I don't think I have to justify this to anyone. At least you're getting some bang for your buck.

What about a pair of edible meat underwear? Sounds like a good purchase to me. Republicans get two per person, so that they can gift both their wife and their illegal Latino pool boy.

One copy of Thomas Ligotti's The Conspiracy Against the Human Race for every man, woman, and child. Sure to induce an existential crisis as well as lower the birth rate as more and more people agree that self-consciousness is a terrible tragedy.

For those who can't read too good, a copy of Tom Green's classic film Freddy Got Fingered will be purchased on their behalf. Similar to the above entry, Green's movie will have you wondering if perhaps you did something wrong to deserve this.

Here you go, America. One steaming hot plate of gastrointestinal pain and fury, also known as Skyline Chili. A surefire cure to any constipation that ails you. When you're clutching the toilet, praying to a God who has abandoned you, be sure to thank the people who process your taxes. This one's on them.

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