Professional Hole Digger Here

Does anyone need a hole dug? I am currently offering a deal on two by two holes, buy three for the price of one. This is a quality hole we are talking about. All dirt will be piled neatly next to the hole. Grass sod will be chopped up for easy removal. You could put anything in this type of hole. A bone. A dinosaur. A photograph. It's really up to you.

Don't dig your own holes, folks! That an amateur mistake. Let me ask you this: if you were to dig your own hole, would you first properly measure and mark the area you are planning on displacing? Will the volume of your hole be uniform? Will your hole be free of earthworms, rocks, and miscellaneous debris? No, it won't. Please don't wait. Call a professional.

There's a technique to digging the perfect hole. I won't share it with you (a professional doesn't give away his secrets) but it isn't something you can handle. You've been half-assing holes your entire life. I just spoke with your wife and she said the same thing. Don't worry about how I know your wife. We're good friends from way back. You just let me worry about any holes you need dug.

You need to plant a tree? A bush? Maybe bury the cat so that the dog won't dig it up? Don't hesitate. Your wife would want you to call me, but we don't have to tell her. I can be discrete. I have been for years. Anything you need buried, let me handle it. Of course, it is extra for high-profile holes. You need me to dig a man-sized hole, well, let's just say you're going to be handing over big bucks. But keep in mind: no one will ever find out. When the police scour your place for evidence, no one will find anything or anybody that I have buried. That's a promise, sir. That's our guarantee.

There are assholes out there that claim to offer the same level of service and customer satisfaction that I do. They are charlatans, dilettantes. They could never understand my commitment or my passion for digging holes. Don't pay less and end up with a lesser hole. Please. I'm begging you. Pick up the phone and call me. I will dig the best goddamn hole you've ever seen. It will be a transformative experience. You will never look at holes the same way. Maybe your wife will love you again. But that's not covered by our guarantee. I can't work miracles.