Batman gets pulled over for speeding. He smiles at the cop and shows a little leg. The officer lets him off with just a warning. Yet another win for Batman.
The Gotham City Council discusses raising taxes on the wealthy by ten percent. Batman gives all their addresses to the Joker. The resolution doesn't pass. Nobody taxes the Batman.
Batman gets into a heated discussion with Robin over race and poverty. You see, Robin's been taking sociology classes at Gotham University, and Batman's afraid he's turning into a hippy. The discussion ends when Batman punches Robin in the face. Score one for Batman.
Batman and Chief Gordon go for a ride around town. They pull over a black guy just because he's black. When they find weed in his car, Batman looks at Gordon and says "I told you so." Goddamnit, Batman.
Batman comes home and finds Robin dressed in baggy clothing and listening to hip hop music. Batman fucking loses it and says some deplorable things. He makes Alfred cry.
Wayne Enterprises fires twenty percent of its workforce to cut costs, even though there was an increase in profits last quarter. Bruce Wayne releases a statement apologizing for the cuts, but explaining that they were necessary. He gives himself a twenty percent raise.
Sometimes, when he's drunk, Batman waits outside of homeless shelters and attacks homeless people to steal their food. People have to pay Batman's share.
When Robin brought home a Latino friend, Batman made Alfred follow him around so he didn't steal anything.
Batman often wonders out loud why poor people can't just get a job and hold it.
Controversy ensues when Bruce Wayne speaks at Gotham University's graduation ceremony. He says that "Hitler had some good ideas," though he does not explain himself.
Batman is still learning that the n-word is not acceptable for use in public conversation.
Believe it or not, but Batman has been accused of sexual assault numerous times. He always manages to weasel himself out of a trial by using his vast fortune and by attacking the credibility of the witness. Catwoman's a burglar; you expect her to tell the truth? Have you seen the outfits she wears? You're telling me she's not asking for it?
Batman doesn't do handouts. He had to work for everything he has. Sometimes he rolls up one-hundred dollar bills and lights them on fire.
Batman threatened to leave America if Obama was reelected. He briefly made good on his promise, retreating to the Swiss Alps for a few months after the election.
All of Batman's super villains are white. That's because Batman's no-kill policy is selective.
No comments:
Post a Comment