- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Rand Paul's True Plan for America
Rand Paul is running for president, and he has released extensive information on his national policies. That article, however, didn't cover everything. Pointless Venture has contacted a prominent member of Paul's campaign and gotten the scoop! Behold, Rand Paul's true plan for America!
Priority 1: Get rid of laws, taxes, public schooling, the military, etc. Wasteful government spending has crippled the American spirit. Who needs infrastructure? God damn communists, that's who. You want a road, America, then you start a company that builds roads. You want to throw somebody in jail? What is this, Nazi Germany? Make them pay a fine and move on, either that or shoot them. America doesn't need the rest of the world, despite having invested heavily in the global economy. We'll deal with each other from here on out. That's right, China, go fuck yourself. As an isolationist nation, America has no need for a military, and if we do get into a conflict, we'll form a goddamn company to take care of business. PRIVATIZE EVERYTHING.
Priority 2: Let the states do whatever the fuck they want.
Priority 3: Let YOU do whatever the fuck you want.
Priority 4: Let corporations do whatever the fuck they want.
Priority 5: Smoke weed and get high every day.
Priority 6: Anarchy, BABY. In the crumbling wasteland that will be Rand Paul's America, citizens will be forced to become cannibals driving heavily-modified war vehicles from town to town, stealing precious gasoline. Have you seen Road Warrior? Pretty cool, right? That's the future.
Priority 7: Let poor people off themselves by legalizing hard drugs and abolishing the social safety net.
Priority 8: Abolish the national parks system because fuck the environment.
Priority 9: Put us back on a gold standard.
Priority 10: Money will be set aside for one, and only one, public work project: the construction of a one-hundred foot tall statue of Ayn Rand, libertarian writer, shitty-philosopher, and all around terrible human being.
Priority 11: Burn down the White House, the Pentagon, and the Capitol Building, and privatize what remains of the government to evil alien overlords from the Alpha Draconis system. Reptilians unite! Prepare for the New World Order!